Greetings to the TGIF Friday
“faithful” on this last day of the week when the Cardinals elected a new Pope,
who has chosen the name Francis I. More on this later, below. As I forewarned
in my last paragraph of the most recent TGIF edition (3 weeks ago), I was away
in Colorado for 10 days visiting my brother and sister-in-law. We met with lots
of their friends for food or snowshoeing or skiing. It was a great trip.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live as soon as he gets out of the hospital.
The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
During the trip I saw one of
Nate’s friends (who I had added to the TGIF member’s list last year after first
meeting him). He mentioned to me that he never reads any of this personal
“intro stuff” and he goes straight to the jokes. He sort of apologized for this
and I felt like I was the priest in the confessional booth, telling him that
his small sin is forgiven and he should say 2 “Hail Mary’s” and forget it! It
is kind of funny because I have several friends who have told me that they open
the TGIF message ONLY to read the personal stuff that I write each week and they
skip reading the stupid jokes. There you have it! Go figure! Just where do YOU
fall in this continuum? Wait, don’t answer that! At least, not to me - - - go
to Confession!
Then there is another TGIF
continuum. It’s the one that at one end are the very clean and sanitized jokes
that you could tell your grandkids (or I could share with my Mother when she
was alive). At the other end, well, ….. You can imagine! You know those “blue”
jokes that are borderline “censurable”. And a little further beyond that, I
have a collection of X-rated ones that I have received from TGIF members who
somehow seem to enjoy testing the limits of what I allow in a TGIF issue. It’s
almost a game of ‘I dare you Jeff to use this one’! Over the course of the life
of the TGIF, I suspect that you old-timers would agree with me that the
pendulum has swung from the end of the clean jokes towards the other end. There
could be a few reasons for this trend. One is that my Mom (who died 5 years ago
last week) was my de facto inbuilt censor. I knew I’d hear from her if I
crossed the line. Once, about a dozen years ago, I had received lots of
contributions of those kinds of jokes that crossed that line, but that I knew
most of the TGIF recipients would enjoy them as much as I did. So, I made a special
TGIF edition to educate readers what types of jokes I could not use and devoted
the entire issue to those ‘blue jokes’ by giving examples of those at that end
of the “clean – dirty” continuum. My Mom sent me an email straight back telling
me that I didn’t have to give so many examples and that the readership must
have got the point. Later I heard that my Dad had told her not to worry – that
probably most of the readers probably enjoyed them. I think he was right.
Another reason for this shift is that all the good clean ones have been shared
and have traveled around the world to each and every person who has an email
account and friends who share jokes with them. They get dressed up in “new
clothes” from time to time, but they are the same basic jokes. I get those as
contributions every week and usually choose not to use the ones that I have
already used 17 times in earlier TGIF messages. So, if the TGIF space cannot be
filled with the more sanitized material, what option do I have?
However, you guys who are
daring me to use the real raunchy stuff that you submit won’t have to go to
Confession if I choose to use that stuff! But I will!!! (Mind you, I’m not
telling you not to share it with me - - - just that you shouldn’t expect me to
use it in a TGIF message!!! Ha ha!)
I do enjoy reading the
communications that come to me as possible contributions, especially the newer
stuff or the personal messages. I got one of these personal messages last week
from my friend Dave. Here it is:
Hi Jeff,
I'm reaching out
on behalf of a golfing buddy of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to
go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he
came back, he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live as soon as he gets out of the hospital.
Let me know if you can help.
Thanks,
Dave
(TGIF Editor’s Note: I do try
to respond to the personal messages that accompany your joke contributions.
Remember please, that my TGIF mailbox is: tgifjeff@gmail.com
and not the address from which I send out the TGIF message, which is my
non-TGIF personal account.)
So, I wrote the following
message back to Dave last week.
Dave,
Not sure that I can help this guy, but thanks for sharing
......... :)
My brother told me one about the elementary school teacher
asking her class what the word "Resurrection" meant. A couple kids
didn't know and then Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher reluctantly
called on him. He said he didn't exactly know what resurrection meant but he
heard his mother tell his father that if it lasted for more than 4 hours, he
should consult a doctor.
Jeff
* * * * *
Back to the new Pope news.
The New Pope & the
Chief Rabbi
Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition, but, there is one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after a new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.
So, when Pope Francis I assumed his duties this week, the Chief Rabbi requested an audience.
The new Pope was intrigued by this ritual and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.
When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, the Pope called him back.
"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied: "We have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.
As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock”
It was a bill for the Last Supper from "Moishe the Caterer."
* * * * *
Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition, but, there is one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after a new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.
So, when Pope Francis I assumed his duties this week, the Chief Rabbi requested an audience.
The new Pope was intrigued by this ritual and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.
When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, the Pope called him back.
"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied: "We have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.
As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock”
It was a bill for the Last Supper from "Moishe the Caterer."
* * * * *
Also this week on the streets
of New York City, a couple of homeless men were on the street peering into an
appliance store window at one of the many large screen TVs that were for sale
inside. One of the screens they saw all these men dressed in bright red robes
in a large church and some of them were carrying an old man dressed all in
white and wearing a pointed hat.
One of the men asked the
other if he knew who these church men were and who was the lucky guy in white
being carried. The other guy answered that those men in red were Cardinals and
that they elected the guy being carried, the Pope.
The first guy thought about
that for awhile and then pondered out loud, “Don’t you think that the Yankees
ought to do somethin’ like that for Derek Jeter”!
* * * * *
Then I could do the joke
about the Pope convincing his driver to allow him to drive - - - but since I
have used that one probably about 17 times already, I’ll spare you!
Saint Patrick’s Day is on Sunday the 17th.
It’s time to segway from the
new Pope to Saint Patrick’s Day. And I have just the one for that:
THE IRISH PRIEST
The priest in a small Irish
village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night the
cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock
fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in
church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the
congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said "that
wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said "that
wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said
"that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
* * * * *
Actually, I have another one
for this segway. (Pls note, Joya, that I used the word “segway”, even though
‘Ms. Spellchecker’ does not like it and underlines it in red!)
So, this week’s theme seems to be “The New Pope, The
Irish and The Confessional” …..
An Irishman went into the confessional box after years
of being away from the Church. Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with
Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey
and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the
finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
“Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
* * * * *
At the Irish wedding
reception, the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.
"Life is short. Drink the good wine first'.
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.
"Life is short. Drink the good wine first'.
* * * * *
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from
listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
* * * * *
Time to wrap this one up and wish you all a Happy
Saint Patrick’s Day. But before that, beware the Ides of March – but have a
great Friday, and Saturday, for that matter! Enjoy!
Hopefully, talk to you next Friday. We are all looking
forward to the first day of spring next week – but for us Vermonters that
doesn’t really mean that spring has sprung. It’ll seem like spring here
probably only after the last snow flies in early April. Patience!
TGI-Jeff
