TGIF - 13 July 2012

Greetings from your Friday guy once again happily reporting in from the coolest place in this house – down here in the basement (it’s not been a dungeon lately – only the coolest spot around!). On this late Thursday afternoon as I draft this, the outdoor temperature is 90 degrees F (about 33 C) and the temperature in the house is about 77 F

(25 C), while down here it must be about 68 F (20 C). So, I’m “chilling out” down here doing an earlier drafting of this week’s issue. (Usually I do it on Thursday evening.)

For those of you who received last week’s issue, you recall I mentioned some facts about the 4th of July and its history. I stand corrected, by my college roommate (one of them) about the year that Presidents’ Jefferson and Adams died on July 4th. It was 1826 and not 1809. He also informed me that the only U.S. president born on the 4th of July was Vermont’s very own Calvin Coolidge, who was born about 20 miles from where I am sitting right now. I’ve featured some Silent Cal stories in earlier TGIF editions, so I won’t go there now.

Yes. It’s hot now. All over the USA it seems. I hope it cools down before next weekend when I head for Iowa to participate in the 40th RAGBRAI (the des moines Register’s Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa) the week from 21 to 28 July. Last year when I did it with our 3 kids and my older brother, the thermometer hit 100 degrees every day of the week. One day, my son reported hearing a radio warning during an early morning stop that it was to be so hot that day that no one should be outside or exercising and should drink lots of fluids and stay in a/c rooms if possible. He wondered if it was wise to ride our bikes 70 miles that day in that heat! Well, we did. And the nighttime temperatures dropped down to about 82 F (28 C) so that sleeping in a tent on top of our sleeping bags was not all that comfortable. But we survived and completed the 480 miles in the seven days.  You just never know what the whether is going to be like in Iowa during the last week of July. There could be rain or wind or lots of sun or it could be cold. Or it could be all of those things within the same week. I’ll give you a report on that in a few weeks.

We’ve had very hot weather in most of the U.S during the last few weeks. Many areas are experiencing drought conditions and many are praying for rain. We haven’t had much rain up in these parts over the last few weeks and it’s been pretty hot. The grass, which was very lush and green a month ago, is now looking dry and burnt. But some places have been even hotter than others. In fact, it was 105 degrees F (41 C) in Indiana yesterday. What effect does that have on things?

Well, read on …

IT'S SO HOT in Indiana

          .....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

          .....the trees are whistling for the dogs.

          .....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance

          .....hot water comes from both taps.

          .....you can make sun tea instantly.

          .....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

          .....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.

          .....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car (one on each hand).

          .....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

          .....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

          .....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 5:30 A.M.

          .....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?

          .....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.

          .....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.

          .....the cows are giving evaporated milk.

          .....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

         IT'S SO DRY in Indiana that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

* * * * *

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a real good golfer and a good looker who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

"Willis, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

* * * * *

Henry Kissinger once asked Chou En-Lai to theorize on what might have happened if Nikita Khrushchev had been assassinated instead of John F.

Kennedy.

After a moment's thought, Chou En-Lai answered: "I don't believe Mr.

Onassis would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."

* * * * *

A man laid off from work went into the Job Center in Downtown Bradenton and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the ladies out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, after which you must rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $75,000, and you'll have to go to Miami."

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now.

* * * * *

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the Lions Ladies Dinner last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

* * * * *

PUNGORAPHY

We have seen some or many of these before, but they are good and I will share them as I received them this past week.

I do not enjoy computer jokes.

Not one bit.

When chemists die,

They barium .

Jokes about German sausage,

Are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray, Is now a seasoned veteran .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Than it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, But I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.

It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood,

But it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first?

They had reservations.

Energizer battery arrested.

Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first.

Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job?

She couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection;

Urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog.

I mist.

England has no kidney bank,

But it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker,

But then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.

Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro;

What a rip off !

Venison for dinner?

Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington?

Obviously the government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive,

But now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist.

He has fillings, too.

(TGIF Editor’s Note: this last one is a bit of a stretch. But the letter “i” in many languages is pronounced like our “ee” and so it can sound like “feelings” to many. We could pronounce fillings as Philings, too. So there!)

* * * * *

It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic section. While many of the contributions I now receive are old ones, often used more than once in previous TGIF editions, I do use some in the main section, while I select a few of the ones that I particularly like (and haven’t used in some time) for the current issue’s Golden Classic section.

I have chosen two of them to share with you today. Enjoy!

* * * * *

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

* * * * *

If you have seen or recognize the following one, you will enjoy reading it again. If you haven’t seen it before, I guarantee that you will like it – and I don’t usually guarantee anything.

Life in the Australian Army

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland.)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!  I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't  hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses

to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs   to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz

gotta shower  though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa  hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes.You don't get fed again until noon and by that  time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route  march' - geez it’s only just like walking to  the windmill in  the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' -dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm  not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet; but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

* * * * *

So, as I assume it is Friday when you read this, I wish you a very happy day (although it IS Friday the 13th – be careful!) and you can thank God that it’s Friday – since you have the weekend to look forward to. I bet you’re going to try to leave work early today. Good luck! Hope you don’t get caught by the boss! Maybe the boss wants to leave early too. Keep an eye on him/her and sneak out right behind her/him!

Have a great weekend too!

I’ll be away from this TGIF dungeon for the next 2 Fridays, so I’ll try and get back here at the end of the first week of August. Until then, take care and enjoy the summer!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 06 July 2012

Greetings from your Friday guy who, at this time of hot summer days,
does not mind terribly coming down here to the nice and cool dungeon
to carry out my weekly responsibility so that you all can read some
funny stuff on Friday – either the last day of your work week – or for
some – your day off. In either case, it’s a reason to be happy. And if
I can add to your good mood just a little, I will also be happy.

I really do appreciate the efforts of so many of you to try and
contribute some new or useable material. It helps keep this little
thing going - - - until we finally run out of any new jokes to share.
Let’s hope that won’t happen anytime soon.

The USA has experienced incredible heat over the last days/week,
although up here in the Northeast, it hasn’t been too bad and
unbearable. We’ve had temperatures in the high 70s/low 80s while the
rest of the USA has had much higher temps. Storms have also caused
lots of power outages that continued for days. Then there are also the
tragic wild fires out in Colorado that have destroyed hundreds of
houses and thousands acres of land. Then I’ve also been hearing once
again about the terrible drought and hunger issues in a part of the
world where I spent a lot of time professionally – the Sahel Region of
West Africa. Let’s hope the governments there with the help of the aid
agencies, including WFP, can meet this challenge, once again.

The EUFA championships were fun to watch and SPAIN certainly deserved
the win. The next big sporting event will be the 2012 Olympics that
will be hosted by the city of London.

THE FIRST LONDON 2012 OLYMPICS JOKE

In a few weeks the 2012 Olympics in London will begin. Here is the
first 2012 Olympics joke:

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman want to get in, but they
haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and
walks to the gate.
"McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in
he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks
it under his arm.

“O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."

*       *       *       *       *

SOMETHING TO WARM THE HEART

This letter was sent to the South Shields High School Principal's
office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An
elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a raffle prize and
was writing to say thank you.  This story is a credit to all
humankind.

Dear South Shields High School

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age
Pensioners luncheon.  I am 87 years old and live at the Laygate home
for Elderly Ladies.  All of my family has passed away so I am all
alone....  I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a
forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own
radio; but, she would never let me listen to it.  She said it belonged
to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen
pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to
fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely, Ella.

*       *       *       *       *

ADOPT A TERRORIST

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian
government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System
facilities.

She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.

She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada.

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
the treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by
Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions
were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.  You will be pleased to
learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,
to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or
L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your
personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
Next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint!  It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure
that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you
so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath
and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you
described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these
character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers.  We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any friends, neighbors
or relatives as your house guest might get agitated or even violent,
but we are sure you can reason with him.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of property
thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the
new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of  'respecting his
culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern.  We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.  Good luck
and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense

*       *       *       *       *

ANOTHER HEART-WARMING PIECE

Sometimes....

When you cry…

No one sees your tears.

Sometimes...

When you are in pain...

No one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...

When you are worried...

No one sees your stress.

Sometimes…

When you are happy...

No one sees your smile.




But FART - - - just ONE friggin' time..... And everybody knows!!

*       *       *       *       *

SUNBURN TREATMENT

Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours
and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to
the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do
for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'

*       *       *       *       *

DYING NUN

A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

She went back to Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more.

Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom
before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and whispered :

"Don't sell that cow!"


*       *       *       *       *

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2",
strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle
cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed
of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally
called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The
Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot.
So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might
call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you
can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the
Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

* six illegal aliens,
* six lawyers,
* six meth dealers,
* six Muslim extremists,
* six Democrats, and
* a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"Great attitude! You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

*       *       *       *       *
Here’s another one from or about Texas – the lone star state.

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , comes to serve in a city
parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and
'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and
repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest
says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your
knee and saying, "No shit, what happened next?"

*       *       *       *       *
It’s time for the TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC – one used a few times before -
- - an oldie but goodie.

TRIP TO ITALY

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean.  But just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment
in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three
sandwiches and a bottle of red wine; then he would make love to her
until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during
a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.  "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
*       *       *       *       *
This was the week of the 4th of July – our nation’s Independence Day.
It was the day that the Continental Congress of the 13 states released
to the public the text of the Declaration of Independence in 1776.
Apparently it was agreed to and signed by the state’s representatives
on the 2nd of July, but not “released” until the 4th. It seems John
Adams (eventually the second president of the USA, after Washington)
was upset about that fact (thinking that we should acknowledge this
historic day on July 2nd) and never agreed to take part in any Fourth
of July celebrations. Oddly enough, both he and Thomas Jefferson (who
drafted much of the document and was the third president) both died on
July 4th in 1809 (I think).

We had a great 4th of July backyard barbecue here at our place with
family from Hanover NH and Boston MA and the 3 of us current residents
of 1 Walnut Way (Pam, Joya and me). Jonathan, Mary and Joya did all
the food preparation and barbecuing while Pam and I were the clean-up
crew. Granny and Grandad Taft enjoyed it all, I know. Large family
gatherings are few and spread out over time – but well worth the
effort that all make to attend. We are truly blessed.

Until next week – or whenever I accumulate enough stuff to share or am
not too busy with all my other activities…..

Have a great weekend!

TGI-Jeff