Greetings on this last day of the workweek! Although I am retired, I still enjoy my Fridays almost as much as I did when I was working. That may seem a bit weird, but maybe it’s because I have such fond memories of my past Fridays and the sense of accomplishment whenever I issued a Friday message. So, maybe that is some kind of reverse PTSD.
As indicated in my last message at the end of July, August has been and will continue to be one of family gatherings. Christopher and Joya arrived in the U.S. for three weeks at the end of July. I drove down to NYC to spend the first weekend of August with all 3 of my kids and 2 0f the spouses. Phil flew in from San Diego for the weekend, while his wife Kailey was beginning a new job (promotion) in her company then and could not join us. We all had a great time playing with little Logan (7 months old) and just hanging out together. We went over to Washington Square Park on Saturday and had a few drinks in Greenwich Village after that. Chris and Joya borrowed Jon’s car and drove up to Vermont on Sunday. We had burgers and fresh sweet corn on the grill that night and went over to the NH lake for a few days. Jon/Melissa and Logan will be visiting us in Manchester (VT) for a few days next week, after they spend the weekend with friends/relatives in Lake George. Looking forward to that! Then the last weekend of the month will be a gathering of Dianne’s family at her lake house in NH. That should be fun too!
Despite the US Women’s team's early exit from the World Cup in Australia/New Zealand, I continue to watch all the games, even after the fact, due to the times for us here, Often either starting at 3 am or 5 am here, given the time difference. I was rooting for Australia to go all the way, but now hope that Spain can win it all.
I was saddened to recently learn of the passing of a former WFP colleague, Charlie Rutledge. I met Charlie at a regional meeting in Dakar Senegal (January 1979) when he was serving WFP in Mauritania, and I was in my first posting in Mali. He was someone who had a low threshold for BS and was a straight talker and a no-nonsense guy. He was an athlete (although many might not have known that) and rubbed some of his superiors the wrong way. But I don’t think he really cared. He visited us in Vermont on numerous occasions and always brought some unusual gift. He lived his life to the fullest and we will miss him.
Let’s see what I have to share today that might give you a smile.
One day in the future, three former US presidents die and Saint Peter passes them through the gates to meet God.
God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good,” says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"
Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
* * * * * * * *
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then a rabbi entered the brothel & the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.” Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dyin’.”
* * * * * * * *
Two Jewish men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.
One asked the other, "Did your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer.
What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It has totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"
* * * * * * * *
ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying,
"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.."
* * * * * * * *
Supportive Husband
John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to John and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . . "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
* * * * * * * *
A Typical Day?
One afternoon Max comes home from work to find total mayhem. His two young children are in the front garden, soaking wet and playing with the garden hose. There is food all over the lawn, garbage spilled everywhere and some of their plants have been pulled up and are lying on the sidewalk.
The front door to their house is wide open and there's no sign of their dog. As Max enters his house, he finds an even bigger mess. The tables are lying on their sides, all the vases have been knocked over and wet flowers are on the floor, the armchair cushions are lying on the ground and the carpet is stained where one of the children was sick. The TV is blaring and the children's room is strewn inches deep with toys and clothes.
Max goes into the kitchen and finds the sink full of unwashed dishes from the morning's breakfast, none of the food has been cleared, the fridge door is wide open and there's dog food on the floor.
He's worried now and heads up the stairs to look for his wife Fay. He has to step over yet more toys and piles of clothes. He's worried Fay might be ill, or even worse.
As Max passes the bathroom, water is trickling under the door and into the hall. So he peers inside and sees wet towels, spilt bath oils, his shaver lying on the floor and toothpaste smeared everywhere. He turns off the bath tap and rushes to his bedroom.
There he finds Fay.
She's curled up in bed, still in her pyjamas and reading a book. She smiles at him and says, "How did your day go, darling?"
Max looks at her bewildered and asks, "What happened here today, Fay?"
She again smiles, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," he replies.
"Well," says Fay, "today I didn't do it."
* * * * * * * *
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together to his groin, rolling around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.
"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man grunted, still lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
"Don't be silly, Let me help!" she told him and, following her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside. She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels terrific, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
* * * * * * * *
Now it’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic. This one qualifies.
It’s Dark in Here!
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
* * * * * * * *
Hope this finds you all well and enjoying life. I wish you a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Lets hope the rain lets up a bit around these parts and that the heat lets up for other parts of the US. Climate change is really wreaking havoc with this world of ours. We need to do more!
Until the next time,
TGI-Jeff
