Greetings from your Friday friend, reporting in again with some surprising regularity in the recent weeks. I’d better be careful or I’ll spoil you. But I must thank those few of you who have been sending material for me to use or it would not happen. So, thank you!
So, as with the previous 6 weeks, there has been a lot of happenings going on in our nation’s capital. But this week, nothing came out of Washington DC that tops the uproar that came out of Hollywood last Sunday night. The case of the “wrong envelope” was a fiasco at the Oscar’s ceremony. I’m surprised it wasn’t blamed on a Mexican immigrant. I suspect that the Price Waterhouse Cooper rep who was just off stage got distracted when chatting with Emma Stone and got the envelopes mixed up. It could have happened to any red-blooded American guy! Back in my day, I might have done the same if I had the good fortune of standing off stage and chatting with Faye Dunaway!
I think I went to the movies and saw “Bonnie and Clyde” (Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway) with my high school girlfriend just 50 years ago!!!
After getting dumped on a few weeks ago with more than 2 feet of snow, everything here on my property was covered with snow. Four feet high stone walls were covered. Then we had a week of warm temperatures and so much of that snow has melted away. The difference is amazing! Now, just when we think that spring has arrived or is just around the corner are now being confronted with dropping thermometers that indicate the next days are going to be frigidly cold. Today was very windy and leaves were blowing all around and tree branches moving and shaking.
I just looked outside and see the nice crescent moon in the western sky. But tomorrow morning is going to be cold. How cold?
Cold Winter Morning
It’s Really Cold Here Now! How Cold Is It?
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
* * * * * * * *
What is the Definition of “a positive attitude”?
After the accident, late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He opened his eyes. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask on his face, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse was kind and attractive. She gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts then?"
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS “A POSITIVE ATTITUDE"
* * * * * * * *
I’ll Bet You $5.00
A husband takes his wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband replies:
"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
$5 says you will forward this.
* * * * * * * *
Dr. Geezer
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign saying: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Young, who was positive this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young goes back after a couple of days expecting to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young, after having lost $1000, comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see a thing!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "here's your $1000 back (giving him a $10 bill)."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer". And remember: don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
* * * * * * * *
Keep It From the Wife
While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
* * * * * * * *
The Jewish Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank .
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a
truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a
truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA- BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses, and then tearfully says,..........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!"
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
pauses, and then tearfully says,..........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!"
* * *
(TGIF Editor’s Note: The first time I used a version of this joke was probably a dozen years ago and the young man was from Afghanistan and he played for Detroit.)
* * * * * * * *
The Stranded Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?!"
* * * * * * * *
Okay. I did not announce a TGIF Golden Classic section. In fact, the last 3 or four probably all qualify. The last one has always been one of my favorite all-time jokes. But I haven’t used any of these recently and so I thought I could get away with using all of these. Admit it. You had forgotten about these until now.
Hope you are feeling good about it being the end of the work week and time to relax for a few days. I’m glad that many of you are still gainfully employed so that you can contribute to my retirement. I thank you! So, now it’s time to say “TGIF” and get in the mood for a wonderful weekend!
Enjoy! And don’t forget to be nice to your fellow human beings! Peace!
TGI-Jeff
