TGIF - 23 March 2018

Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of another week! Except that this wasn’t just any ordinary week! Spring arrived this week! Well, maybe not here, but in many places in the Northern Hemisphere. We’ll probably have to wait another month for it to really arrive here. That’s okay. There’s still snow on the ground and on the ski area slopes and so I’ll continue to enjoy skiing and start working on my tan. My oldest son Jonathan arrived on Thursday evening and we will ski together today at Okemo. And thanks to good friend Frank, Jon will get a discounted ticket to ski.

I’ve been fully immersed in the college men’s basketball March Madness and filled out a bracket and doing pretty well, although there have been a lot of upsets. I also follow the women’s tourney and hope that my favorite team, the UCONN women, can go all the way this year and win their 12^thnational title. They got upset last year in the Final Four semifinal and so I hope that they are motivated to go all the way this year!

I might even go over to Albany to see them play in the regional final, probably against South Carolina, another really good team, who won it all last year!

Thursday was a really nice spring day here. Lots of sun and lots of snow melted. It got up to 47 degrees today, which seems really hot compared to what we’ve been having. Last summer it got down to 47 one day, and it seemed really cold. It’s all relative!

Okay. Let’s see what you all have donated for this week’s issue.

Farmer Fleming

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'

'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.
'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Google Pizza

Hello ..............Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza. 

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry. 

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month. 

CALLER:
OK............................ ...  I would like to order a pizza. 

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir? 

CALLER:

My usual? .....................You know me? 

GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. 

CALLER:
OK! then.......................... ...........That's what I want ... 

GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? 

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!. 

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir. 

CALLER:
How the hell do you know?! 

GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. 

We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. 

CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol. 

GOOGLE:

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  

According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago. 

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:

That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL?!!!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:

Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago...

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

THE NIGHT LIGHT DIAGNOSIS

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results.

The doctor says, "Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Larry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.

When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife. "Bonnie," he says, "Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus", exclaims Bonnie. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Fly Southwest

The little boy had been looking out of the plane's window.
He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”

The mother couldn't think of an answer.  She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy replied, "Yes, she did.”

"Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.  Have your mother explain that to you."

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Watch Out For the Drunk Driver

From the South where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Charleston S.C.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

  

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. 

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off: it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the proud Southern man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Minnesota Road work - don't you know!

Al, a road crew supervisor in Minnesota, hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji. He was skeptical about hiring Ole since he didn't have any painting background. But Ole appeared enthusiastic and told Al that he really needed the job.

He explained to Ole that his work day shift would be to complete 2 miles of center-line on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and Al got him started. 

After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8-hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. Al was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, Al was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road. Ole was called to Al's office and was asked what was the problem. "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Ole?"

"Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you voot figger it out fer yerself. Every day I'm getting farder and farder avay from da paint can."

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Church

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir.  I must have misunderstood you.  What did you say?" 

"Listen up, damn it.  I said I want to join this damn church!" 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." 

  

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.  The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. 

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" 

"There is no damn problem," the man says.  "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." 

"I see," said the pastor.  "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?" 

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Have a nice Spring! Enjoy your Friday and the upcoming weekend and we’ll see you next week!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 09 March 2018

 Greetings to all you TGIF faithful who I hope have missed me for the last month, as I see my last issue was on 2 February! Don’t worry, I have excuses! Well, maybe just a few. I was away on my annual southern trip for the last two weeks of February. But this time, I didn’t drive down and back but flew down and back to Atlanta and rented a car there to use to visit Evelyn up in the northeast corner of Georgia and a four-day trip to St. Petersburg, Florida, where I attended, (with some former WFP friends/colleagues) an international conference on world affairs. Not only did I enjoy the 4-day conference, but liked seeing my old friends (Tom Lecato, Trudy Bower, Torben Due and Allan Jury) and especially liked the weather, with temps in the 80s and always sunny. What a change from Vermont in February. However, the weather northeast Georgia wasn’t so hot. In fact, it rained for much of the time I was there. But we had a few days of nice weather when we went for a long hike on one day and visited an old gold-mining area on another day. And we finished putting the copper caps on all 21 of her deck posts, by drilling holes through the caps and into the posts and then screwing them in to secure them. Plus, anytime that it was raining, I was quick to build a fire in her great fireplace. In addition, we looked at tour guide books and planned our car trip in Italy and southern France in June when we go there to attend the wedding of my niece, Jillian, in Todi, Italy. I may even try to stop by the WFP Headquarters to see if I still know anyone there.

As I draft this on Thursday evening, March 8^th, I am well aware of the fact that today is IWD – International Women’s Day. I seem to recall that when I first returned to Vermont in 2009, it was not such a big deal here in the USA. But, I’ve noticed that today I heard several reports and stories on the radio and in the media, in general, about the fact that it is IWD. That’s a positive development. I will return to this subject shortly, but I first have to give you a weather report from my beautiful state of Vermont! During the past 24 hours we have received about 16 inches of fresh, wet snow here. It’s a Nor’easter storm and most places in New England have received from 10 inches to 2 feet of snow in this storm. It’s great for the ski areas and I hope to be skiing here well into April this year! In fact, I skied on Tuesday of this week and it was great. I plan on going today (Friday) and it should be great, as well.

Now, back to the gender theme of IWD. My good friend Tom Lecato, who rode his bicycle some 220 miles from his home in Jacksonville to the conference in St. Pete, (in two days – wow!) sent me a few days ago a brief summary of an incident that took place while we were attending this international conference. I feel compelled to share it with you.

Her is his message to me from a few days ago:

Dear Jeff,

The St. Petersburg Conference on World Affairs that was hosted on the beautiful campus of USFSP was well attended by retirees and by many students acting as conference aids and guides. They did a swell job and exemplified the high moral standards of the coming generation of internationalists.

It was a very pleasant surprise when you showed up and joined Trudy, Torben and me in many of the sessions.  If fact, you helped put the conference in perspective at the end of the first day.  You remember we had just left the session on how intelligence agencies protect us from terrorists and were heading to the parking garage.  As we entered the garage a gaggle of well-attired conference aids and guides (mostly young ladies) were crowding into an elevator, speaking in animated voices about the wonderful session they had just exited. They graciously acceded to making room in the elevator for us and continued their lively discussion.  It is amazing how you managed to change the atmosphere so rapidly.  As the elevator doors opened on the second floor and many of the ladies started to exit you announced “2^nd floor, ladies lingerie”.  The newly found silence of the departing ladies and their remaining colleagues was deafening.  In retrospect, perhaps we should rather have attended the session “Is this a watershed moment for relations between the sexes?”

Too bad you spirited back up north and missed the spring season.

Look forward to your next trip down to the sunny south.  Enjoy the skiing, looks like you will have a few more months of good winter weather.

All my best.

Tom

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

What’s For Dinner?

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

The Honest Golfer and a Bad Lie

A golfer was hitting his ball near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.  
He cried out, weeping.

The Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"  

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.

"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.  The golfer replied, "No"
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.  Again, the golfer replied, "No"

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. 

"Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes."

"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the same water hazard, and she fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, 
"Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton.  

"Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. "You lied!  That is an untruth!"

The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding."

The Lord growled with righteous indignation:   "Misunderstanding?"

"You see...."  The golfer nervously answered.   "....if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up  with Jennifer Anniston.  Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman.  Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three.  And Lord, I am a retiree not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve ... that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton."
And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:  If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!  God and golfers hate a bad lie.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Dr. Bumbutu 

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. 

So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
chant, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she  grew to a terrific D-cup rack!  One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.' 

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked “Are you a patient of Dr. Bumbutu?”

“Yes I am.. How did you know?”

He winked and whispered, “Hickory dickory dock” ....

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

His Last Motorcycle Ride

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shinny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive.  Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.  By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

The Irish Fisherman

The rain was pouring down.

There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Lucky Sister Barbara

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.  Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.  Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost below. 

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. 

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. 

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.  "What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Although most of the above could also be considered as oldies, I will now present this week’s TGIF Golden Classic:

Where is the Best Pub in the UK?

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.” 

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. 

When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”! 

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

For being International Women’s Day, this was a very gender insensitive edition! Sorry. Garbage In – Garbage Out! You can’t blame the messenger!

Time left to wish you a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Thank God It’s Friday!

See you next week, I hope!

TGI-Jeff