Greetings at the end of another week of lockdown. It's Good Friday of Easter week. But there is not a lot of good news to report. While there are lots of projects around the house here that I can be working on, and I am on some of them, I keep looking outside and the buds are coming out, the daffodils are coming up and the grass is starting to look a little green, with the help of the April showers that will help produce May flowers. We may get a little snow before Vermont finally declares that winter is over; but I’m not interested, as I cannot ski, so why have snow now?!?!!!
While world news about the spread of the virus is depressing to listen to, I do enjoy the news about the possible flattening of the curve and the more positive of the likely scenarios that hypothesize that the peak will come sooner than originally forecasted. It still means we are at least a few months away from getting back to normal.
I may get my bike out of the barn and get it oiled and ready to go. We had two very nice sunny days earlier this week and lots of people are out for walks around the neighborhood, as well as some cyclists on the roads. I’m sure the motorcycles will be out soon.
As I draft this on Thursday, the 9th, I’m thinking of my older brother, Nate, who turns 75 today! We had a nice Zoom session last night with a few other of his good friends. Zoom meeting has been a God-send for many of us. For church and church groups; for book clubs and other friend groups and for family!
Many of you enjoyed the old Burma Shave piece that I used last week. And a few of you sent me some of your favorites. Here is one good one:
Ben Met Anna
Made A Hit
Neglected Beard
Ben-Anna Split
—Burma Shave
Made A Hit
Neglected Beard
Ben-Anna Split
—Burma Shave
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An Irish Blessing
May your hand sanitizer be full every day
May you have loads of friends that stay 6 feet away
May your toilet paper outlast your quarantine time
May you find lots of deals while shopping online
As you binge watch TV and slowly lose your mind
Remember we're all in this together, but only 10 at a time.
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New Classified Ad:
Single man with toilet paper seeks women with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
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Lemon Pickers Needed
"Lemon Pickers Needed” read the ad in the newspaper.
Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master’s degree from Michigan State University.
For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.
“However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said.
"I've been divorced three times, I owned two Chrysler's, and I voted for Trump,”
She started work yesterday
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Lucy and Charlie Brown Discuss COVID-19
A TGIF member sent me a Peanuts cartoon which has Lucy sitting on one side of a tree and Charlie Brown sitting on the other side.
Lucy says: “What surprises you most about this coronavirus, Charlie Brown?”
He responds: “This virus has done what no woman has been able to do til now; cancel all sports, shutdown all bars, and keep men at home.”
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Many of you sent me the following, as it seems to be making its way around the globe.
Some More Things To Ponder as we are “Sheltered at Home”
● Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
● I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
● I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
● Still haven't decided where to go for the upcoming Holidays ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom.
● Helpful Hint: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
● Home schooling is not going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
● I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.
● This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog . . . we laughed a lot.
● So, after this quarantine . . . will the producers of 'My 600 Pound Life' just find me or do I find them?
● Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
● My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
● Day 5 of Home schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
● I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
● I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
● Day 6 of Home schooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year" . . . I'm offended.
● Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under. Your choice.
● Helpful Hint: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
● Home schooling is not going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
● I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.
● This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog . . . we laughed a lot.
● So, after this quarantine . . . will the producers of 'My 600 Pound Life' just find me or do I find them?
● Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
● My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
● Day 5 of Home schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
● I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
● I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
● Day 6 of Home schooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year" . . . I'm offended.
● Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under. Your choice.
REMEMBER, NO STORMS LAST FOREVER.
HOLD ON, BE BRAVE, HAVE FAITH.
Every storm is temporary and we are not required to face the storm alone!
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Be Careful and Stay Sane!
You need to be careful; people are going crazy about being in lockdown. I’ve actually just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed things are getting worse. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on things and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. I did discuss it with the hoover vacuum but he was unsympathetic and just told me to “suck it up”. Meanwhile, the blender has mixed feelings and the taps kept running hot and cold about the idea. The whisk refused to talk about it because she didn’t want to whip things into a frenzy and the eggs kept quiet because they didn’t want to get a beating. I didn’t check with the oven because she’s far too hot headed. The bin just spouted a whole load of rubbish about the situation and the freezer just gave me a frosty reception. In the end, the iron calmed me down: she said everything will be fine - no situation is too pressing.
The tin at the back of the cupboard with no label on thinks it’s a total mystery.
The knife made some very cutting remarks.
The squash was very cordial about it all.
Unlike the lemon who was very bitter about it.
The overhead fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all blow over.
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked him about it and didn’t say anything, but the doorknob told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and the curtains told me to … yes, you guessed it …. pull myself together.
As for me ... I'm doing well, and am handling this lock down quite well ... I think …
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TRUMP IS VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS
Early in the night, FDR appears.
Trump asks him how can he make America great again.
FDR replies, “Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with thoughts of lining your own pockets.”
Trump’s face sours, and he yells, “FAKE NEWS!”
A few hours later he is awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asks, “How can I make America great again?” Washington replies, “I would suggest you never tell a lie.” This infuriates Trump even more.
Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks, “How can I make America great again?” Lincoln responds, “Go to the theater.”
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Money Check from the Government during this crisis
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will likely receive an economic stimulus.
It is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q&A format:
Q: What is an Economic Stimulus?
A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q: Where will the government get this money?
A: From taxpayers.
Q: Is the government simply giving me back my own money, then?
A: No, only a smidgen of it.
Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the economy.
Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A: Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the
U. S. Economy with your stimulus check.
Use it wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, the money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.
* I you pay your credit card off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, KEEP THE MONEY IN NORTH AMERICA BY
(1) Spending it at a yard sale or thrift shop, or
(2) Going to a ballgame, or
(3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
(4) Beer, or
(5) Tattoos
(These are the only American businesses still operating here.)
CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.
No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.
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THE HISTORY OF TOILET PAPER (A new low in messaging)
With the run on toilet paper that we’ve had it’s nice to learn about its origin This is a bit of history that will truly make us thankful. We definitely need to thank the Chinese. Sometimes it's good to read something that makes you smile! I know that you have always been curious, so now you'll know.
1. The first recorded use of toilet paper was in 6th Century China.
2. By the 14th Century, the Chinese government was mass-producing it.
3. Packaged toilet paper wasn't sold in the United States until 1857.
4. Joseph Gayety, the man who introduced packaged TP to the U.S., had his name printed on every sheet.
5. Global toilet paper demand uses nearly 30,000 trees every day.
6. That's 10 million trees a year.
7. It wasn't until 1935 that a manufacturer was able to promise Splinter-Free Toilet Paper.
8. Seven percent of Americans admit to stealing rolls of toilet paper from hotels.
9. Americans use an average of 8.6 sheets of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom.
10. The average roll has 333 sheets.
11. Historically, what you use to wipe depended on your income level.
12. In the Middle Ages, they used something called a gompf stick, which was just an actual stick used to scrape.
13. Wealthy Romans used wool soaked in rose water, and French royalty used lace.
14. Other things that were used before toilet paper include hay, corn cobs, sticks, stones, sand, moss, hemp, wool, husks,fruit peels, ferns, sponges, seashells, knotted ropes, and broken pottery (ouch!).
15. 70-75% of the world still doesn't use toilet paper because it is too expensive or there is not sufficient plumbing.
16. In many Western European countries, bidets are seen as more effective and preferable to toilet paper.
17. Colored toilet paper was popular in the U.S. until the 1940's.
18. The reason toilet paper disintegrates so quickly when wet is that the fibers used to make it are very short.
19. On the International Space Station, they still use regular toilet paper, but it has to be sealed in special containers and compressed.
20. During Desert Storm, the U.S. Army used toilet paper to camouflage their tanks.
21. In 1973, Johnny Carson caused a toilet paper shortage. He said as a joke that there was a shortage, which there wasn't, until everyone believed him and ran out to buy up the supply. It took three weeks for some stores to get more stock.
22. There is a contest sponsored by Charmin to design and make wedding dresses out of toilet paper. The winner gets $2,000.
23.. There was a toilet paper museum in Wisconsin, The Madison Museum of Bathroom Tissue, but it closed in 2000.
24. The museum once had over 3,000 rolls of TP from places all over the world, including The Guggenheim, Ellis Island, and Graceland.
25. There is still a virtual toilet paper museum called Nobody's Perfect.
26. In 1996, President Clinton passed a Toilet Paper Tax of 6 cents per roll which is still in effect today.
27. The Pentagon uses, on average, 666 rolls of toilet paper per day.
28. The most expensive toilet paper in the world is the Portuguese brand, Renova.
29. Renova is three-ply, perfumed, costs $3 per roll, and comes in several colors including black, red, blue, and green.
30. The CEO of Renova came up with the idea for black toilet paper while he was at a Cirque du Soleil show.
31. Beyonce uses only red Renova toilet paper.
32. Kris Jenner uses only the black Renova toilet paper.
33. If you hang your toilet paper so you can pull it from the bottom, you're considered more intelligent than someone who pulls it from the top. (Wonder how this was determined?)
34. Koji Suzuki, a Japanese horror novelist best known for writing The Ring, had an entire novel printed on a single roll of toilet paper.
35. The novel takes place in a public bathroom, and the entire story runs approximately three feet long.
36. When asked what necessity they would bring to a desert island, 49% of people said toilet paper before food.
37. Queen Elizabeth II wipes her royal bottom with silk handkerchiefs. Wonder if the royal chambermaid gets to wash those?? Yeah, sure wouldn't want that job!
38. Muslims wipe their bums with their bare hand--- always the left hand. They eat with their right hand. If you are caught shop-lifting, your right hand is cut off, forcing you to eat with your poopy left hand. Yeeeechdt!
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THE POTTY
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT, ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
HIS MOTHER SAYS, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS, "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."
MOTHER SAYS, "OKAY, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?
BILLY SAYS, "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
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Reminds me of the old one from Phyllis Diller. Her son was watching her in the kitchen hitting the bottom of the Kethup bottle when the doorbell rings. She asks him to go answer the door. It’s the boy’s teacher. He asks where the boy’s mother is, and he responds that she is in the kitchen “hitting the bottle”!
Keep the joke contributions coming. You no doubt have noticed that I do not use videos or cartoons or other visual things; but I do enjoy getting them and seeing them.
Stay home, stay safe and stay healthy! Happy Passover and Happy Easter!
Until the next time,
TGI-Jeff
