Greetings to all the TGIF faithful out there as July comes to an end. But not without a little flourish. Today we have a “blue moon”. You’ve heard the expression “Once in a blue moon” – which means that some event is somewhat infrequent. I have no idea why it is called a “blue” moon. I know that the harvest moon is sometimes orange. But other than white and orange, I have never seen a bluish moon. Have you? Well, the rarity of the blue moon comes from the fact that it seldom happens that you have two full moons in one calendar month. The moon revolves around the earth in 29 & ¼ days. So, you’d never have a blue moon in the month of February and rarely in the months with 30 days. But the odds increase with the months of 31 days! (Reminds of the old one: How many months have 28 days? All of them, of course!)
I’m not going to look it up now, but we had a full moon on July first, and we have one now at the end of the month. So, it is a blue moon. If you were putting off something until there was a blue moon, you’d better do it now!
It’s been a hot week up here in Vermont. I’ve always said that in Vermont summers, there are (on average) about 3 days of high heat (and humidity) when you really need air conditioning. For most of the rest of the time, you don’t need an AC in your house. Although it’s nice to have AC in your vehicle. And thanks to the Goldberg brothers (see below) cars do have ACs.
My friends and I have been doing a lot of bike riding (as in road bikes, not motorcyles) in order to prepare for the annual Harpoon Point 2 Point ride on Saturday, August 8th. You can opt to ride 25, 50 or 100 miles on that day. This year we are dong the 50 miler. Next year, I might do the 100. It’s a great event that raises money for the Vermont FoodBank. Some of you may receive letters from me for fundraising. My goal is to get a lot of friends to contribute $10 each. I’m in pretty good shape for the hills and I look forward to it.
I was telling another senior golfer the other day that I had biked 40 miles earlier that day. He assumed that I meant on a motorcycle and he was incredulous when I clarified that no, it was on a road bike!
From the minimal material that I received in recent weeks, as your dues (remember), I can only think that there really are no new jokes out there. So, I present to you an edition of jokes that I have received in the last 10 days, which most of them qualify as TGIF Golden Classics, as I have used them at least once or twice before. I will not apologize as I now realize that most of you won’t remember having seen them before and would rather get something on Friday than not.
Speaking of my favorite summer sport – golf – and although I had a golf special TGIF last Friday, I got a few stragglers during the week.
The Old Golfers
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.
The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."
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The Pope
If you are Catholic or know a Catholic you'll appreciate this. Pope Francis recently finished his sermon with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind...
A Woman's Rights Group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying:
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The day after, a Gay Rights Group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed Mankind and Womankind and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure."
The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
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Okay. I apologize for that one. But I’ll make it up to you in the following ones: all of which qualify as TGIF Golden Classics, since they’ve been used before and many times, probably.
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Severe Sunburn
A man passed out on the beach in Naples Florida for four hours, and he got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'
The Doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
* * * * * * * *
Scotch?
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"
* * * * * * * *
The Mechanic and the Cardiologist
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out; I repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running."
* * * * * * * *
Two Senior Women Sharing Info
Two "senior" widows are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Wilson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
* * * * * * * *
Logical Logistics
A man went to town to get his car repaired and buy some supplies and go home. The mechanics couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would walk home.
would walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket
and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens
and a goose.
Outside the store he realized he now had a problem - how to carry all
his purchases home.
and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens
and a goose.
Outside the store he realized he now had a problem - how to carry all
his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached
by a lady who told him she was lost.
by a lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
there. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
there. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry
the goose in your other hand?'
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry
the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the lady to her destination.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.
The lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow
without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?
without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, gallon of
paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?'
paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The lady smiled and replied,
'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens.
'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens.
* * * * * * * *
The Mississippi Debutante Ball
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation.
In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.
One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.
Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.'
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black Officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
* * * * * * * *
And here is another golden oldie about another Goldberg family.
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
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Read it and groan!!!
So, the lesson is this: if you want to read some new and funny material in the TGIF, you’d better forward those to me as I am running out of usable material.
I have about a thousand readers of the Friday message and about 10 people who send me jokes. And most of those are old ones!
Maybe I need to employ some TGIF joke writers. Anyone interested?
You may hear from me next week, or next month, depending if I get any decent material to share with you all.
Until then, have a great Friday and weekend. Stay cool!
TGIJeff
