TGIT - 29 November 2020

Greetings on this Thanksgiving Day here in the USA. Thank God It’s Thanksgiving!

 

It’s been a weird few post-election weeks here in the USA, with Biden being the declared winner 4 days after the election and Trump still refusing to concede, more than 3 weeks after the vote.

 

Declarations of fraud and of the democrats stealing the election have not been borne out in the states and most of the recounts have been completed, giving Biden-Harris the win.

 

Someone pointed out to me that “Election Results” can be rearranged to spell: Lies – Let's Recount.

 

Our personal news is that Dianne’s house (that was on the market for more than one year) finally sold recently and so I was helping her pack up and move stuff out and so forth. She has set up a weaving studio in my boy’s former bedroom. She still owns her lake house not far away in New Hampshire – so we split our time between them. Today we are at the lake house where we are celebrating Thanksgiving (Le Jour de Merci Donnant – in French). See more on this later in this edition.

 

This is a special Thursday edition, given that it’s Thanksgiving. And often I have used the famous Art Buchwald article about how he explained this day’s origin in Plymouth to his Parisian friends. (I just love his literal translations!)

 

Apparently, when Trump returned to the White House on last Sunday night after having played golf on the weekend at one of his courses, he found that he was locked out. He tried almost every door. Then, he went around to the front and found a big sign hanging over the front door which said, “Mr. Trump you cannot enter. It is now for-Biden!”

 

Yep. The sooner the better.

 

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The Old Geezer

 

The Old Boy is walking in Amsterdam just after Lockdown and passes a hooker standing at her door.

She says: “Hi Gramps, why don't we give it a try?"

He replies: "No thanks, dearie, it's no longer possible for me.”

Says the hooker: “Oh, come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try!"

So he says, ‘Well OK, that’s very kind of you” and they both go inside. 
They undress and he performs like a young stud, 5 times in a row. 

“Blow me” says the hooker, breathless, "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!”

Says The Old Boy: "Oh, the sex part is still fine, it's the paying part that is no longer possible…”

 

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SENIOR WISDOM

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.G
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10.  If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,  just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20.  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 

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T’was a Month Before Christmas 2020

 

T'was a month before Christmas, 

And all through the town, 

People wore masks, 

That covered their frown. 

The frown had begun 

Way back in the Spring, 

When a global pandemic 

Changed everything. 

They called it Corona, 

But unlike the beer, 

It didn’t bring good times, 

It didn’t bring cheer. 

Contagious and deadly, 

This virus spread fast, 

Like a wildfire that starts 

When fueled by gas. 

Airplanes were grounded, 

Travel was banned. 

Borders were closed 

Across air, sea and land. 

As the world entered lockdown 

To flatten the curve, 

The economy halted, 

And folks lost their verve. 

From March to July 

We rode the first wave, 

People stayed home, 

They tried to behave. 

When summer emerged 

The lockdown was lifted. 

But away from caution, 

Many folks drifted. 

Now it’s November 

And cases are spiking, 

Wave two has arrived, 

Much to our disliking. 

Frontline workers, 

Doctors and nurses, 

Try to save people, 

From riding in hearses. 

This virus is awful, 

This COVID-19. 

There isn’t a cure. 

There is no vaccine. 

It’s true that this year 

Has had sadness a plenty, 

We’ll never forget 

The year 2020. 

And just ‘round the corner - 

The holiday season, 

But why be merry? 

Is there even one reason? 

To decorate the house 

And put up the tree, 

When no one will see it, 

No-one but me. 

But outside my window 

The snow gently falls, 

And I think to myself, 

Let’s deck the halls! 

So, I gather the ribbon, 

The garland and bows, 

As I play those old carols, 

My happiness grows. 

Christmas ain’t cancelled 

And neither is hope. 

If we lean on each other, 

I know we can cope. 

LET’S TRY TO BE SAFE, HAPPY AND MERRY AND FULL OF HOPE. 

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La meilleure blague de l’année!

Après leur mort, Georges Bush, Barack Obama et Donald Trump se retrouvent devant Dieu pour être interrogés.

Dieu demande à Bush : « En quoi crois-tu ?-Bush répond :-Je crois en une Amérique forte, aux liberté individuelles, respectueuses de la population…etc… »

Dieu est impressionné par Bush et lui dit : « Bien, viens t’asseoir sur la chaise à ma droite. »

Dieu s’adresse ensuite à Obama et lui demande : « Et toi, en quoi crois-tu ?-Obama répond, - Je croisen la démocratie, en l’égalité entre les hommes, l’aide aux pauvres, la paix mondiale ».

Là Dieu est réellement impressionné par Obama et lui dit : « Très bien, viens t’asseoir sur la chaise à ma gauche ».

Finalement, Dieu s’adresse à Trump : 

« Et toi que crois-tu ? »

Trump lui répond :

« Je crois que tu es assis sur ma chaise ».

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Le TGIT – Les Anciens – Mais Tres Biens

 

Le Grande Thanksgiving

 

By Art Buchwald

 

EDITOR’S NOTE: One of the most popular columns of longtime Washington Post humorist Art Buchwald involved his attempt to explain Thanksgiving to the French. We’re keeping alive a Post tradition by reprinting his classic column here. Happy Jour de Merci Donnant!

 

One of our most important holidays is Thanksgiving Day, known in France as le Jour de Merci Donnant.

 

Le Jour de Merci Donnant was first started by a group of Pilgrims (Pelerins) who fled from l’Angleterre before the McCarran Act to found a colony in the New World (le Nouveau Monde) where they could shoot Indians (les Peaux-Rouges) and eat turkey (dinde) to their hearts’ content.

 

They landed at a place called Plymouth (now a famous voiture Americaine) in a wooden sailing ship called the Mayflower (or Fleur de Mai ) in 1620. But while the Pelerins were killing the dindes, the Peaux-Rouges were killing the Pelerins, and there were several hard winters ahead for both of them. The only way the Peaux-Rouges helped the Pelerins was when they taught them to grow corn (mais). The reason they did this was because they liked corn with their Pelerins.

In 1623, after another harsh year, the Pelerins’ crops were so good that they decided to have a celebration and give thanks because more mais was raised by the Pelerins than Pelerins were killed by Peaux-Rouges.

Every year on the Jour de Merci Donnant, parents tell their children an amusing story about the first celebration.

It concerns a brave capitaine named Miles Standish (known in France as Kilometres Deboutish) and a young, shy lieutenant named Jean Alden. Both of them were in love with a flower of Plymouth called Priscilla Mullens (no translation). The vieux capitaine said to the jeune lieutenant :

“Go to the damsel Priscilla ( allez tres vite chez Priscilla), the loveliest maiden of Plymouth ( la plus jolie demoiselle de Plymouth). Say that a blunt old captain, a man not of words but of action (un vieux Fanfan la Tulipe), offers his hand and his heart, the hand and heart of a soldier. Not in these words, you know, but this, in short, is my meaning.

 

“I am a maker of war (je suis un fabricant de la guerre) and not a maker of phrases. You, bred as a scholar (vous, qui etes pain comme une tudiant), can say it in elegant language, such as you read in your books of the pleadings and wooings of lovers, such as you think best adapted to win the heart of the maiden.”

 

Although Jean was fit to be tied (convenable a etre emballe), friendship prevailed over love and he went to his duty. But instead of using elegant language, he blurted out his mission. Priscilla was muted with amazement and sorrow (rendue muette par l’ atonnement et la tristesse).

At length she exclaimed, interrupting the ominous silence: “If the great captain of Plymouth is so very eager to wed me, why does he not come himself and take the trouble to woo me?” (Ou est-il, le vieux Kilometres? Pourquoi ne vient-il pas aupres de moi pour tenter sa chance?)

 

Jean said that Kilometres Deboutish was very busy and didn’t have time for those things. He staggered on, telling what a wonderful husband Kilometres would make. Finally Priscilla arched her eyebrows and said in a tremulous voice, “Why don’t you speak for yourself, Jean?” (Chacun a son gout.)

 

And so, on the fourth Thursday in November, American families sit down at a large table brimming with tasty dishes and, for the only time during the year, eat better than the French do.

No one can deny that le Jour de Merci Donnant is a grande fete and no matter how well fed American families are, they never forget to give thanks to Kilometres Deboutish, who made this great day possible.

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Hope that all of you who celebrate Thanksgiving had a good one today. Dianne and I made enough food to feed a small army – so we’ll have a lot of left-overs to enjoy over the next days and week. 

 

We had some nice family zoom sessions today which was the next best thing to actually being all together.

 

December is around the corner, bringing colder temperatures and probably snow.

 

Until the next time, stay safe and healthy!

 

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 06 November 2020

  

Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of our election week – but still not with a conclusive outcome. At least, not at this hour on Thursday evening, 11/5. Biden is just 6 electoral votes away from the 270 that are needed. Trump has so far only 214. However, he is just now addressing the nation, claiming that he is the victor, and that the democrats are trying to steal the election from him. It’s a very sad day for American democracy! 

 

It was a very sad day for me a few weeks ago when I learned that my former WFP colleague and very good friend, Jean-Yves Lequime, had passed. Hard to believe. He was my right-hand man in Sri Lanka and helped me lead the WFP response to the Indian Ocean tsunami in 2005. He did a great job. He retired less than 18 months ago and was enjoying painting at home in France. He and I had a long Facetime call last Fall and it was great to be in touch. We each had tears in our eyes as we reminisced about that challenging time in Sri Lanka. I was therefore truly shocked and saddened by the news of his demise. Another former WFP colleague and friend, Joe Charriere, also passed away in the last month. He and I worked together in Liberia and he provided support to our Mauritania office when he was the director in Dakar, Senegal. It’s so sad to learn of the loss of so many old friends and colleagues.

 

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An astrologer, an economist and a pollster walk into a bar.

“What’s it going to be?” asks the barkeep”

“We have no idea” they reply.

 

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How True That Is!!!

 

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What would you be having?” The rabbit shakes his head and says, “I don’t know, the only reason that I’m here is due to Autocorrect”!

 

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Political Aphorisms

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~

 

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Random Thoughts

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”  I whispered back: “Bring pizza.”

 

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)…I can’t see you anymore.  I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit-up.  You did one sit-up.

 

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

 

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

 

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

 

Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

 

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

 

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

 

Marriage Counselor:  Your wife says you never buy her flowers.  Is that true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

 

Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So remember: Don’t sing!

 

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.  So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.

 

During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies.  Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?

 

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are…

 

If 2020 was a math word-problem:  If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

 

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

 

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’

 

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

 

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  

That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

 

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

 

Coronacoaster noun:  the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread, and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don’t even like.

 

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

 

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

 

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

 

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

 

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought: “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

 

At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in:  “That’s a load of 2020.”  or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”

 

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

 

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

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More Random Things

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

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The Good Son

An old Italian man lived alone in New York. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work because the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincent, used to help him but this year he couldn’t because he was in prison.
 
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
 
Dear Vincent,
I’m feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know that if you were here my troubles would be over, because you would be able to dig the plot for me, just like you did in the old days.
Love, Papa 
 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
 
Dear Poppa,
Don't even try to dig up the garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
 
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
 
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
 
Dear Poppa,
Go ahead and plant your tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

 

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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic

Understanding Engineers 1

Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers 2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers 3

A rabbi, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The rabbi said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The rabbi said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers 4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers 5

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?

Understanding Engineers 6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.

Understanding Engineers 7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."

And Finally,

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.

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We are living in a time that requires lots of patience and resolve. The Covid-19 virus is not giving in as yet and a vaccine will not likely be massively available for another several months. However, the deterioration of our planet continues and the new administration will need to address that as soon as possible. I just hope that our current president does not further motivate his supporters to take actions contrary to our established processes.

 

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 16 October 2020

  

Greetings to all my friends on this Friday, which also happens to be World Food Day. Those two are very significant as last Friday morning, I awoke to the news that my former UN agency, the World Food Programme, had been awarded the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize. Wow! Surprising news, but then, upon further reflection, not really. For many years, WFP was a frontline agency providing food assistance to the most vulnerable and food insecure populations of the developing world, without drawing much attention to its work – just doing it! 

 

So, it is indeed nice to see that all that sometimes difficult work has finally been recognized. This honor seems to be shared by both present and past WFP staff members. I worked for WFP from 1978 until mid-2009, and served in 5 countries in Africa and 4 in Asia, as well as one tour in WFP HQ in Rome, Italy.

 

I have cut and pasted below the clip of “Breaking News” of last Friday morning from the NPR website.

Quote:

The 2020 Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the World Food Programme on Friday morning with the award committee stating, "The need for international solidarity and multilateral cooperation is more conspicuous than ever."

The citation says the humanitarian organization, part of the United Nations, is being recognized "for its efforts to combat hunger, for its contribution to bettering conditions for peace in conflict-affected areas and for acting as a driving force in efforts to prevent the use of hunger as a weapon of war and conflict."

 

"Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I can't believe it!" the WFP's executive director, David Beasley, said in a video to the organization and its staff following the announcement.

"It's because of the WFP family," Beasley said. "They're out there in the most difficult, complex places in the world. Whether it's war, conflict, climate extremes — it doesn't matter. They're out there, and they deserve this award."

The WFP was created in 1961 at the request of U.S. President Dwight Eisenhower as an experiment to provide food aid through the U.N. The group says it is active in 83 nations and that its staff "put their lives on the line every day to bring food and assistance to more than 100 million hungry children, women and men across the world."

End Quote.

 

The other interesting thing is that the WFP Executive Director (Beasley) happened to be visiting WFP projects in Niger, when he got the call, and he was photographed in the Country Director’s office in Niamey, which was my last office from 2007 to 2009.

 

Congratulations to all present and former WFP friends and colleagues! Well deserved!

 

Now, most of you are thinking, okay Jeff, stop congratulating yourself and get on with the jokes. Okay, okay.

 

Only In France

This happened in France to an Englishman who was totally drunk.

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed completely hammered.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humour, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realise that this is a British car and my wife is driving on the other side?

 

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This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man.

Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, being a dumb ass liberal and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.
Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.

Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

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Some Things to Consider!!!

 

Why don’t crabs give to charity?      Because they’re shellfish.—

 

Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?    Because they were watch dogs.

 

You know, birds might use Facebook.?   we know they already tweet so…  

 

What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream.

 

My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.

 

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.  

 

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.

 

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

 

Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: Solid, liquid, and gas.

 

I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

 

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

 

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

 

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

 

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

 

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

 

Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

 

I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.

 

We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

 

My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.

 

What starts with an “O” and ends with “nions” and sometimes make you cry? Opinions.

 

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

 

I know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.   I sold my vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.   What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!   I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.

I have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames).  When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

 

Interesting fact of the day: In Sweden, all government-owned ships are required to have a UPC code printed on the hull. When the ships are returned to port, it helps them Scandinavian.

 

What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

 

What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

I searched for a lighter on Amazon, all I could find was 401 matches….

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Linda the Lawyer

 

Linda decided to tie the knot with her long-time boyfriend, Roy. 

 

One evening, after the honeymoon, Linda was organizing her law books. 

 

Her husband was standing nearby watching her. 

 

After a long period of silence, he finally speaks: "Linda, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit lawyering. You spend so much time in the courtroom. You could probably get a good price for your books." 

 

Linda gets this horrified look on her face.

 

Roy says, "Darling, what's wrong?" 

 

"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-husband." 

 

"Ex-husband!" he shouts, chagrined. "I didn't know you were married before!!" 

 

"I wasn't."

 

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May John Rest in Peace

John passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

 

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

 

"Well, I'm sure John would be pleased," she said.

 

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

 

"How much did this really cost?"

 

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

 

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

 

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

 

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

 

"Two and a half carats."

 

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The Donkey

Trump decides to tour in the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo before attending his fund-raiser/rally. Unexpectedly (how else) a donkey jumps out onto the road, and they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

Trump says to the chauffeur: '’You get out and check, you were driving.'’ The chauffeur does, then checks and reports that the animal is dead. “You were driving, therefore you're responsible - not me - go find the farmer and tell him” says Trump.

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. “My God man, what happened to you?” asks Trump.

The chauffeur replies: “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter took me upstairs and made love to me.”

“What on earth did you say to them?” asks Trump.
"Well, sir, I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, "I'm President Trump's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass."

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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic and with the recognition given to WFP this past week, what else could I use but the following golden oldie:

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.    She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. 

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. 

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. 

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. 

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. 

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? 

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Only a few more weeks til November 3^rd. It can’t come soon enough. Seems Biden has taken a lead in the poles by 11% (54-43). But we know to be wary of polls.

I’m turning in my ballot today.

 

Happy World Food Day to one and all!

 

Have a nice weekend. I’ll be celebrating a big birthday that ends in a zero on Sunday. Ouch!

 

Until the next time, stay well and take care!

 

TGI-Jeff