Greetings from the Friday guy. Yeh, I know, it’s been awhile. Well, I have plenty of excuses – but you probably don’t want to hear them, I know. At least we’ve lately been blessed with beautiful early summer weather where it’s been warm but not hot. We have had a few needed showers earlier this week. The garden and plants/flowers are doing well. I’ve spent a lot of time out there in the last month. I bought a Fitbit a month ago and it’s motivated me to do a lot of walking. I even have been using my older push mower to mow the lawn instead of sitting on the riding mower. (Not to mention it needs repair and maintenance – but, I’m moving and it feels good. Not losing any weight, which was the plan, but I guess I need to get out and do more miles on my road bike and eat a bit less.)
It’s been more than a month since my last TGIF message. I wonder if that means I can expect to find a lot of good material in my tgifjeff gmail inbox. Well, let’s dive in and see!
I bet a lot of you are watching the EURO 2016 soccer matches. They are good and about to get even better as we’ve reached the knock-out stage of 16. Congrats to Iceland, Wales and Northern Ireland for getting to this next stage. I was hoping that Albania would also make it. Anyway, it seems that all the good teams are on one side of the brackets – so that will be interesting.
Meanwhile, there is more news from the world of international football to share.;
Let it rip!
The Guardian: “A Swedish footballer has hit out after being sent off for breaking wind during a match – with the referee accusing him of ‘deliberate provocation’ and ‘unsportsmanlike behaviour’. Adam Lindin Ljungkvist, who was playing at left-back in the match between Järna SK’s reserve team and Pershagen SK, was shown a second yellow card late on in what local media called ‘bizarre circumstances’. ‘I had a bad stomach, so I simply let go,’the 25-year-old told Länstidningen Södertälje. ‘Then I received two yellow cards and then red. Yes, I was shocked, it’s the strangest thing I have ever experienced in football. I asked the referee, ‘What, am I not allowed to break wind a little?’ ‘No,’ he replied … I don’t get it but maybe he thought I farted in my hand and threw the fart at him. But I did not.’ Opposition striker Kristoffer Linde told the paper: “I was standing a good distance away but I heard the fart loud and clear. It’s the strangest thing I’ve seen on a pitch, and I’ve been playing football since I was eight years old.’”
* * * * * * * *
The USA team didn’t fair too well in the semi-final match of the Copa Americana (?) as they lost to Argentina 4 to 0. Oh well. Little by little. I wonder how much longer Klinsman will remain at the healm. We’ve come a long way although it’s taken a long time. When Klinsman first came to live in California, he played in neighborhood soccer pick-up games and none of the Americans recognized him! Beckham didn’t have that problem when he came over.
* * * * * * * *
He said ….. she said
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra. You've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear shorts don't you?
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
* * * * * * * *
The king wanted to go fishing.
He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!
In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
The practice is unbroken to this date.
* * * * * * * *
Marriage is a sound system
At a wedding ceremony, the minister asked "if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom...
It was their time to stand up and talk... or forever hold their peace...!"
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She started walking slowly toward the minister.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say..?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back..."
* * * * * * * *
It’s the time of Class Reunions. They are very big things here in the USA. Here’s an old one, but good one about one of those reunions.
The Class reunion......
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their Class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table ... and the widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?
After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes.... yes I will!"
Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say Yes or did she say No?
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?
"Why you silly man, she replied, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart!"
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me!
* * * * * * * *
The Country Club Locker Room
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000.
Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
"Anyone know whose phone this is?”
* * * * * * * *
Here is this week’s TGIF Golden Classic
Bran Muffins
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked..
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at? '
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fuckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at? '
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fuckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
* * * * * * * *
I look forward to attending the Taft cousin’s reunion in Blue Bell, PA this weekend. We all get together there every other year. What a great bunch of people!
We had a nice tennis weekend a few weekends ago down at Cape Cod at the Zezza’s. And last weekend was the Springfield Alumni weekend, with a nice golf outing and parade and dinners of reuniting classes. Wonder if there were any proposals offered and remembered the next day.
Enjoy the summer and the Euro 2016 and whatever else that piques your interest!
Happy Friday and I wish you all a wonderful weekend! The first one of summer. And the month of Ramadan is coming to an end soon. Happy celebrating Eid!
Until the next time, peace!
TGI-Jeff
