Greetings from your TGIF editor-in-chief in this last Friday of September. I see that my previous message was sent out on 21 August – more than a month ago. Why the gap? I’ve just been having too much fun and wanting to squeeze every bit of good summer times out of it as possible, before the cold starts to set in. I’ve been too busy to sit down and try to find some good material to use over the last month. I’ve had the visit of friends, old colleagues and a few of my kids to keep me busy, as well as my normal summer activites that you are all no doubt aware of. I’m getting ready now, although we’ve had an unusually warm/hot September til now, to transition into Fall. Due to the warm weather, the leaves are just now starting to turn colors. Soon we’ll have lots of “Leaf-peeper” tourists all around these parts.
I was just opening my TGIF word document that I have been using since I retired more than 6 (!) years ago, and which now has 326 pages of TGIF messages that I have sent out since the second half of 2009, and I received a warning message which read something like this: “There are too many spelling and grammatical errors in your TGIF document to continue showing. If you wish to see the errors, please ……..”
Oh well. At least I don’t receive complaints from you readers. But, in my defence (defense) I suspect that many of the errors are a result of the difference between “English” and “American” spelling. I just can’t please everyone!!!
Pope Francis is currently visiting the United States. What an incredible person and inspirational leader! I hope his words to our Congress today (Thursday the 24th) will have some positive impact, although I have my doubts about that.
I spent the first part of Thursday up in Hanover (NH) with my in-laws who were celebrating their 66th wedding anniversary and since they were married on my father-in-law’s birthday, also his 92nd birthday! My youngest son Phil joined me and so he got to spend the first part of the day with his Granny and Grandad on their day, before he took a bus to Boston in order to fly back to San Diego. He has been on a 3-week trip to the East Coast, starting with friends in North Carolina; then with Joya and Chris in DC and finally brother Jonathan in Brooklyn, on his way north to Vermont. He was accompanioned by his girlfriend, Kailey, who I met for the first time this last week. (I also remember, thanks in part to FB, that it is/was Chris Hurt’s birthday on Thursday. Hope it was a good one, Chris!)
I have not collected enough “regional jokes” to devote an entire issue to, so I will use what else I’ve found in the jokes bag of submissions. And in honor of the Pope’s visit, we’ll start with some religion:
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People of all faiths need to remember these Four Great Religious Truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or at a liquor store.
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The Greatness of Socrates
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
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CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
And, CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
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Some Useful One-Liners
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~
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Will Rogers had lots of great quotes that I love. The other person who had lots of great quotes that we all love is Yogi Berra. Yogi, an 18 year veteran of the major leagues (baseball) and won 10 championships with the New York Yankees between the end of the second World War and the mid-1960s, passed away this week at the age of 90. I’ve used many of his in the TGIF over the years. I don’t have a ready list of them in a form to share now, but there were some great ones. Like, “it’s not over til it’s over!” And “it’s déjà-vu all over again”. And “no one goes there anymore cuz it’s too crowded!” And baseball is 90% physical and the other half is mental”. There are many, many more like these. RIP Yogi!
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Fifty Shades of Grey for Seniors
Back and forth . . ..
Back and forth . . ..
In and out . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right ..
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards. . . .
Forward then backward. . . .
Again . . . .
and again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . .
totally exhausted . . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
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A Man’s Age – According to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some home project putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.
In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.
In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '
In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.
In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares.
In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.
In your 90s & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
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Now, we shift from Home Depot to Walmart.
The Gray Haired Terrorists
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.
But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."
I thought this was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936,"
I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it."
This was beginning to be way too much fun!
"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed.
"How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.
What a great time I had!
Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
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I’ve got lots of interesting caps that I can use. Probably too many.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed my effort to resume the Friday message.
Have a great day and weekend!
Eid Mubarak!
Take care and hope you’ll see/hear from me next week!
TGI-Jeff
