Greetings from the TGIF dungeon in mid-December as we approach the winter solstice in the northern hemisphere. Obviously, the TGIF membership shows a strong bias towards the northern hemisphere, although there are many members who live below the equator. I must admit that although I do love all the different seasons of the year that one experiences north of the tropics, I am a little envious of those ‘down under’ now as their summer nears. Here the furnace is running often to keep us warm here inside as the temperatures outside are below freezing. If we had some snow on the ground, it might seem better, but the only snow on the ground around here is at the ski areas, where they have “man-made” snow on many of the slopes, getting ready for the big Christmas – New Years week with lots and lots of skiers and snowboarders.
My last issue was at the end of November and this might be the only issue in the month of December. So many other things to do - like get out greeting cards and shop and prepare the place for the arrival of family and travel to visit family in other locations. May you all enjoy this festive holiday season with your respective families!
Let’s see what the few of you who pay not only your dues, but the dues of 95% of the other TGIF recipients, have to allow me to share with you this Friday. Yes, it’s Friday, Thank God, and one of my friends and colleague and ManCity supporter is retiring today from the World Bank. Godspeed, Peter! Hope you and Jan can come to visit us in Vermont now. (He and Jan and her relatives are frequent contributors to the TGIF, by the way. But you can’t blame only them for the quality of the jokes used!) Maybe it’s time to start thinking about organizing a reunion of the UN Country Team of Sri Lanka (circa 2002-2006)! What a great group that was!
I wish I had some new Christmas jokes to share with you this year, but it seems that there are no NEW ones, except maybe this short one:
Christmas - What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Let’s start off today with a short pop quiz.
1 - Which president initiated Thanksgiving Day?
2 - Who are the tallest first ladies?
3 - Which five presidents are NOT buried in the United States?
I’ll give you a few minutes to think about it and write your answers down on a twenty dollar bill and mail it to me. If you get all 3 right, you’ll get your twenty back!!! Ha ha.
Look for the answers after the next joke.
* * * * *
A man goes to see the Pastor.
"Pastor, something bad is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Pastor asked, "What is wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Pastor, very surprised by this asks "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Pastor then offers "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A few days later the Pastor calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said "Yes" and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison!"
* * * * *
Answers to the quiz:
1 - Abraham Lincoln, to promote unity. (in 1863)
2 - Eleanor Roosevelt and Michelle Obama: both measured 5 feet 11 inches.
3 - Carter, the two Bushes, Clinton and Obama. Dey ain't dead yet.
* * * * *
Women are angels, but when someone breaks their wings, they simply continue to fly, on a broom stick. They're flexible like that.
* * * * *
The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
* * * * *
LIPSTICK PROBLEM
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers...... And then there are educators!
* * * * *
And speaking of educators:
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her,
"Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
* * * * *
THE GOOD WIFE
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowplows can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowplows can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"
* * * * *
And speaking of Minnesota: OLE’ WON A FISHING BOAT!
Ole won a fishing boat in a raffle drawing in a small upstate Minnesota town.
He brought it home and Lena looked at him and said, "Vot da heck you gonna do vit dat. Dere ain't no water deep enough ta float a boat widin 50 miles uv here."
Ole said, "I vun it and I'ma gonna keep it."
Sven came over to visit several days later. He saw Lena and asked where Ole was.
She said, "He's out dere in his fishin boat," pointing to the field behind the house.
Sven headed out behind the house and saw his brother sitting in a fishing boat with a fishing rod in his hand - down in the middle of the big field.
He yelled out to him, "Vot da heck are you doing out dere?"
Ole replied, "I'ma fishin'. Vot da heck duz it look like I'ma doing?"
Sven yelled back, "It's a people lika you dat give people from Norvay a bad name; make everybody tink we are stoopid. If I cud svim, I'd come out dere and kick yor ass."
He brought it home and Lena looked at him and said, "Vot da heck you gonna do vit dat. Dere ain't no water deep enough ta float a boat widin 50 miles uv here."
Ole said, "I vun it and I'ma gonna keep it."
Sven came over to visit several days later. He saw Lena and asked where Ole was.
She said, "He's out dere in his fishin boat," pointing to the field behind the house.
Sven headed out behind the house and saw his brother sitting in a fishing boat with a fishing rod in his hand - down in the middle of the big field.
He yelled out to him, "Vot da heck are you doing out dere?"
Ole replied, "I'ma fishin'. Vot da heck duz it look like I'ma doing?"
Sven yelled back, "It's a people lika you dat give people from Norvay a bad name; make everybody tink we are stoopid. If I cud svim, I'd come out dere and kick yor ass."
* * * * *
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again!"
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved". "That's great" said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours!" "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well just one problem" said the golfer... "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".
* * * * *
Did you hear about the fellow who invested in a paper towel company and a revolving door company? He was wiped out before he could turn around.
* * * * *
THE MEDIUM
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her racing mind. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her racing mind. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........
* * * * *
Somebody should open a bar called The Gym. Then I could be one of those people who brag about going there every day.
* * * * *
Christmas TGIF Golden Classic
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
* * * * *
And so this December edition of the TGIF comes to an end.
No matter what religion you follow, I wish you all happy end of year holidays, happy winter solstice and happy new year! And I wish you will keep your TGIF editor in mind when you receive a good new joke and share it with me, so that I can continue this hobby well into the new year.
TGI-Jeff
