Greetings from your TGIF editor-in-chief, reporting in from my normal spot in southeastern Vermont as we are seeing the last, hot days of summer. I don’t have air conditioning in my house, but it is really well insulated and I really would only need the AC about 3 days during the summer. The rest of the time I open all the windows at night and allow all the cool nighttime air come in. Then, about 9 or 10 in the morning, when the outdoor temperature climbs above the indoor one, I shut all the windows. Due to the insulation, it remains relatively cool in the house for the afternoon. For example, if the inside temperature gets to 70 or 71 F in the early morning, even if it gets up to 86 or 90 outdoors, the indoor temperature only gets up to about 76 or 77. I remember that when we were in Pakistan, we air-conditioned a room so that it would get down to 80!
It has been hot during these last days but the tomatoes like it! And I don’t really mind it that much as, having lived in really hot and dry countries in Africa, or very hot and humid countries in Asia and Africa, I don’t mind the heat so much. But I’ll enjoy all the nice days here before it starts getting cooler. I am also looking forward to the visit of each of my three kids at different times during September and October. So, all is good.
I’ve got to share one little story from Vermont. A few weeks ago, James Lowe of Barnet Vermont escaped jury duty by wearing a prisoner costume to the court hearing. The Caledonian Record reported that Lowe showed up wearing a black-and-white-striped jumpsuit with a matching beanie. Deputies directed him to an empty courtroom to meet with the judge, who told him to leave. Lowe said the juror instructions don’t’ restrict clothing, but that he’s happy to be released because of his work schedule and family obligations! Only in Vermont!!!
Last weekend we celebrated my mother-in-law’s (Barbara Pauli Taft) 88th birthday up in Hanover, NH. And my father-in-law will be turning 92 next month! Looking forward to spending part of this coming weekend with my sister-in-law and her husband up in Hanover with my in-laws.
Hope you enjoy this week’s offerings:
Depression
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says: "Well, maybe that's a good thing, you know, ..a little peace and quiet? "
"Yeah. But today is the last day!"
* * * * * * * *
Your Canadian Joke for the Week
On a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks ago in Northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Piss on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't." said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The constable promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill....."
* * * * * * * *
Getting Caught
A man was speeding down an Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the officer asked.
"Ummm, yeah ." the driver replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
* * * * * * * *
First time flying
The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared.
Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight.
"Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad."
* * * * * * * *
Bidding war
Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, "Someone in
the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of
$500 for its immediate return."
After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room.
"$600"
* * * * * * * *
Bob and Joanne are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public-address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us, and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Bob turns to his wife and asks, "Joanne, did we pay our Visa credit card monthly bill yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Bob, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Joanne, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Joanne. Did you remember to send checks for the MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, darling," begs Joanne. "I didn't send that one, either."
Bob grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Joanne pulls away and asks, "What was that for?"
Bob answers, "They'll find us!"
* * * * * * * *
Economics 101 from Bud and Lou
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 5.6%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.
COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.
ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 23% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 5.6%.
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?
ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an Economist.
COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a Politician.
* * * * * * * *
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "8 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.
No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.
No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.
No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass.... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
* * * * * * * *
TGIF Golden Classic
A little six year-old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her sick Grandpa.
When they are there, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly. "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog. Because Grandma said as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World."
* * * * * * * *
I thought you had to win a national championship football game in order to go to Disney World!
No matter. Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Stay cool!
See you all next week – IF I have any material to share.
Have a good one!
TGI-Jeff
