Greetings on this last day of this workweek. I realize it’s been a month since I composed the previous one. Even some of my local friends are complaining to me that I have not been regular. You know what kind of “regular” they mean, right?
Anyway, we have been busy. Putting summer things away here and at Dianne’s lake house. Then there was Dianne’s craft show on Columbus Day (Indigenous Peoples ….) weekend over in Weston. That was a 3-day event with lots of wonderful local artisans selling their wares. She did well; selling more than 30 of her scarves. I helped her set up her booth and then take it all down on Sunday evening. The weather was a bit rainy and so many of the leaf peepers had to come inside and apparently, they were in a buying mood. She makes such beautiful scarves and so I was happy that she did well. Now, her inventory is down and she will have to get busy working again. But before that, we are hosting some friends and then some family here in the next two weeks. This weekend, our high school AFS exchange student (from Australia) and her husband, as well as two other of our high school friends (and their partners) will be with us. Looking forward to that. Then, next week for 4 days, my oldest son, Jonathan, and his wife Melissa, and their 9-month old son, Logan, will be with us.
* * * * * * * *
Some Doubt?
This story begins in a courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally, the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
* * * * * * * *
Murphy, Collins and Vella
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,
“Your mum’s the best shag in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and sticks his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, “I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”
Again, Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk returns to the bar’s far end. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”
Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”
* * * * * * * *
|
|
* * * * * * * *
Jose and Carlos
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: "I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
"Look at your sign, what does it say?" replies Jose.
Carlos' sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
Jose says: "no wonder you only get $2-3."
Carlos says: "So what does your sign say then?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign - it reads: "I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico."
* * * * * * * *
Kids instructions for life:
- Sandals don’t work in the snow.
- Don’t scratch your head with glue on your hands.
- Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
- Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
- Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving.
- Never try to baptize a cat.
A woman has sued a hospital, stating that after recent treatment her husband seemed to have lost interest in her. The hospital, in their defense, stated, “All we did was correct his eyesight.”
You’re not a kid anymore if:
- You enjoy watching the news.
- The phone rings and you hope it’s not for you.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You say the words, “Turn that music down.”
Things to ponder
- Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?
- Why is it called tourist season when we can’t shoot at them?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A state department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers, and birdwatchers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Brekenride, and Keystone area in Colorado. They advise people to wear noise producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert, but not startle, bears. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should especially avoid areas that show signs of bear activity. Signs include bear droppings. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings contain bells and smell like pepper spray.
Some things money can’t buy:
- A button for a coat of paint.
- Sheets for an oyster bed.
- False teeth for a river’s mouth.
- Music for a rubber band.
- Shoes for a walking stick.
- A saddle for a clothes horse.
* * * * * * * *
The Soap Factory Problem
A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased. They solved the problem by using a special scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a soap box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
A while later, the CEO decides to look at the first week report. Since the scales were put in place, no empty boxes had been shipped out of the factory. Each day about a dozen defective boxes were being removed, which was consistent with the projections. There were almost zero customer complaints and they were gaining market share. The CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. However, the number of defective boxes picked up by the scales dropped to zero after three weeks. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct.
The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good. Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."
* * * * * * * *
It’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. Unfortunately it looks like rain is in the forecast for our weekend here in Vermont. But, we’ll enjoy just chatting with our friends, I’m sure. And eating. And laughing.
Until the next time, take care.
TGI-Jeff
