Greetings from your Friday guy on this last day of the work week. TGIF! But seriously, I’m not working… at least not in the sense of punching a clock. I have my numerous projects around the house and homestead. But an alarm clock doesn’t awake me and I drink my coffee slowly as I work on my 3 or 4 puzzles in the morning. Eventually, I get around to start working on my projects. I’ve learned to be modest in my expectations and am satisfied if I finish 3 or 4 of the ones on my “to do list” each day. Us old guys need to pace ourselves, right?
Speaking of old guys, my good friend Tom sent me a book about a writer who, after his wife passes, decides to look up some of his old girlfriends and he writes a blog about this. (It’s called “Who is Killing All of My Old Girlfriends” – or something like that!) At the beginning of each chapter is a funny joke or story and he thought that I might be able to use some of these. Well, the fact of the matter is that I have used most of those in my TGIF messages. In fact, I even wonder if maybe one of you have been forwarding to him my TGIF messages. One never knows. Once, when I was in Sri Lanka, a New York friend of one of our WFP staff was visiting and when I met her, her friend told her that I wrote a weekly message with jokes that was called “TGIF”. She replied happily that she receives it from one of her friends. Who knew?
Here in Vermont, we are all getting excited about seeing a full solar eclipse in early April. That is, if it’s not cloudy on that day. It’ll go across northern Vermont. Who knows, maybe Dianne and I can drive up there on that day and join the throngs of people who hope to see it.
In the meantime, I’m enjoying watching the full moon go right over the top of our house. An old woman in our church years ago told me that her father told her that the full moon of February would shine right down their chimney. It’s close to doing that. I always knew the summer moons were relatively low on the horizon, while the winter ones were much higher. But this seems to be true. Have a look. I don’t know what is the ideal latitude for having this happen. Anyone know?
A few weeks ago, we had the visit of son Jonathan and his Melissa and baby Logan up here with us. It was the first time Logan experienced some snow and was not quite sure how to deal with it. We took him out in a sled and he helped his Dad build a little snowman. He is walking now and recognizes that I am his “Grandpa”!
And speaking of family, Joya and Chris will be coming stateside in April for a few weeks. So, since none of us have visited Phil and Kailey in their new home in San Diego, we’ll all go out there for a week. Looking forward to that gathering at the end of April!
Let’s start off with some good puns. I love puns.
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right... Jack and the beans talk.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
* * * * * * * *
How About Some More Puns?
Puns for the Educated
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons, boards an airplane.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
* * * * * * * *
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
* * * * * * * *
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'
* * * * * * * *
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
* * * * * * * *
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty
on it that I found in your trouser pocket."
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the
name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'
* * * * * * * *
Emu to you too
An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. 'Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'Then what's with the emu?!?'
The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big rump and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
* * * * * * * *
No Enemies
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the preacher.
"I don't have any," said the old lady.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety seven."
"That is incredible! Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be 97, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bastards."
* * * * * * * *
IT’S Time for the TGIF Golden Classic
A True Story .... Carnation Milk
When opening a can of carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this:
A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family’s dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation…
So when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with “Carnation milk is best of all ....”
She said to herself “ I know all about milking cows and dairy farms… I can do this!”
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house… A man got out and said, “Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we WILL NOT Be able to use it...
Here is her entry:
Carnation Milk
Is best of all, No tits to pull ,
No hay to haul,
No buckets to wash,
No shit to pitch ,
Just poke a hole
In the Son-of-a- bitch
* * * * * * * *
Just time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
