Greetings at this, the end of the year 2011
– the last Friday in the year. Some may be saying “Thank God that 2011 is
over!” but let’s just say today, “Thank God It’s Friday!”
It’s that time of year when all over the
media we are seeing and hearing about the major events of 2011 – the year in
review. So, I thought I’d follow suit with a review of the best jokes that
appeared on the pages of my TGIF messages this year. Top Ten lists are very
popular in the media as well so I have composed a list of the top 10 “honorable
mention” jokes of the year, followed by the Top Ten Best Jokes of the Year,
used in my TGIF messages. Enjoy!
Top Ten Honorable Mention Jokes of
the Year
Honorable Mention #1
Advice to the Old Guy
An old guy was working out in the gym when
he spotted a sweet young thing...
He asked the trainer that was nearby,
"What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over
there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and
said,
"I would try the ATM in the
lobby."
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Honorable Mention #2
Apparently it's no longer politically
correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a
Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a
Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a
Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can’t let
you in without a Thai"
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Honorable Mention #3
Many aspects of human sexuality are
puzzling. Take celibacy, for example.
This can be a choice in life, or a
condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter
Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each
other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name
and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm
gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.
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Honorable Mention #4
Good Advice
If you can't afford a doctor, go to an
airport - you'll get a free x-ray and be checked out from head to toe.
And if you mention Al-Qaida, you'll also
get a free colonoscopy!
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Honorable Mention #5
New Year’s Prayer for 2011
Dear God,
All I ask for in 2011 is a big fat bank
account and a slim body …..
.....please don't mix these up like you did
last year.
Amen
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Honorable Mention #6
The Basketball Coach and
The Ref
After a difficult basketball
game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and
handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think
it's mine?" the ref asked.
"Easy," the coach
replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."
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Honorable Mention #7
Please Define “PC”
There is an annual contest at Texas A&M
University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was:
"Political Correctness"
The winner wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine,
fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an
unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is
entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
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Honorable Mention #8
Also in the news this week, A Greek, an
Italian and a Portuguese go out for a great dinner.....
They have a ball. The food is great, the
drinks superb, the background music soothing......
Who pays? ...... The German
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Honorable Mention #9
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across
the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years".
He said “You idiot, that's a mirror!"
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Honorable Mention #10
Hard of Hearing
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I
stopped in to visit my friend, who is hard of hearing.
He was busy covering his penis with black
shoe polish.
I shouted to him, "You idiot! You're
supposed to turn your clock back!
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It’s now time for the Top Ten Jokes of
2011, selected by the TGIF Editor-in-Chief:
BEST JOKES
OF THE TGIF IN 2011
Best Joke of the Year - # 10
(Ed. Note : If I had to go on the number of
“entries/contributions” this one might have been #1)
Achieving Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it
definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on television this morning said
that the way to achieve ‘Inner Peace’ is to finish all the things you have
started.
So, I looked around my house to see things
I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a
butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and
Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who dmn gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov
inr pece
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Best Joke of the Year - # 9
The New Congressmen of early 2011
This new year here in the USA also brings a
new Congress, with the House of Representatives dominated by Republicans for
the first time since prior to the elections of 1996. There are lots of
“freshmen” (first time) Republican Congressmen who have recently traveled to
Washington, DC to take up their new 2-year term in the House. Here is a true
story of what happened to one of those congressmen on his trip to DC.
A Congressman was seated next to a little
girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to
talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to
read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk
about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman.
"How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus
packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could
be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and
a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you
suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the
little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no
idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do
you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or
the economy, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading
her book.
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Best
Joke of the Year - # 8
The
Best Pubs are Irish
“As
good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In
Glasgow, there's a wee place called MacTavish's. The landlord goes out of his
way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.”
"Well,
Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh,
dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the
moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all
the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll
take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The
Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every
word was true. "Did this actually happen to you, they asked?"
"Not
meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times ..."
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Best Joke of the Year - # 7
Scottish Cows
The only cow in a small town in Ireland
stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply and brought a cow from Scotland. It produced lots of milk every day and
everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow, so
that they'd never have to worry about milk again. They put the bull in the
pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow
would move away.. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to
go to the wise old Vet and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to
mount our cow, she moves away.. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts
from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and
pondered this before asking, "Did you, by any chance, buy this cow in
Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded; since no one
had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they
said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his
eye, "My wife is from Scotland."
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Best Joke of the Year - # 6
Romantic speech
A man who is sitting at home on the veranda
with his wife says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer
talking?"
He replies, .................
"It's me... talking to the beer!"
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Best Joke of the Year - # 5
2012 Election Cancelled
Obama Buoyed by 100 Percent Approval
Rating
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In what
historians are calling an unprecedented development in American politics, both
major parties decided today to cancel the 2012 election.
The decision to scrap the 2012 contest came
on the heels of a new poll showing President Barack Obama with an approval
rating of one hundred percent, believed to be a record high for an American
president.
Mr. Obama even polled well among
Republicans, with a majority of GOP voters agreeing with the statement, “I no
longer care that he wasn’t born here.”
The new bipartisan spirit sweeping the
nation was captured well by House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who tearfully
told reporters, “This is a great day for America… oh, leave me alone, goddamn
it.”
Republican presidential hopeful Donald
Trump made no official announcement, but sources said he was considering
running for Prime Minister of Canada.
The cancellation of the election comes in
the aftermath of the death of Osama bin Laden, whose last words reportedly
were, “I knew I shouldn’t have signed up for Foursquare.”
Of all the major news networks, Fox News
did not report news of bin Laden’s death, saying that it would air cartoons
“until further notice.”
In Libya, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi issued
the following official statement: “Uh-oh.”
In North Korea, President Kim Jong-Il said
this: “I have lost my last friend on Facebook.”
And in Wasilla, former Alaska Governor
Sarah Palin said this: “We must find and kill Osama bin Laden.”
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Best Jokes of the Year - # 4
Voted Best Joke in Scotland
John said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for
the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said,
"Aye, did ya now? And what was your toast?"
John said, “Here’s to spending the
rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed,
John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's
drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,
Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was
a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last
four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the
ears to make him come."
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Best Jokes of the Year - # 3
Donate Generously this Holiday Season!
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the
beltway outside Washington, D.C. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on
the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress,
and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all
in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting
donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on
average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a
gallon."
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Best Jokes of the Year - # 2
A Real Woman
A real woman is a man's best
friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will
reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will
inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and
forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in
to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's
the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...
Sorry. I'm thinking of
whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all
that shit. Never mind.
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Best Jokes of the Year - # 1
An Encounter with a Homeless Man
A man was walking down the street when he
was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked
him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten
dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with
it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years
ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead
of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing,"
the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on greens' fees
at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the
homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman
in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten
lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm
not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a
terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't
your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably
smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's
important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer,
fishing, golf and sex."
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Hope you are all enjoying the end of year
holidays and maybe some time off from real work!
As we bid farewell to 2011, I take this
opportunity to wish you all a very healthy and happy 2012 and a wish that you
accomplish all that you hope to in this new year that dawns in a few days!
TGI-Jeff
