TGIF - 27 January 2012

Greetings to all the TGIF faithful on this the last Friday of January

and the birthday of some very important people! Who are these VIPs?

Well, one is my sister-in-law Martha. And another one is Mozart! Oh,

and by the way, it’s my wife Pam’s birthday too. She and Martha are

not twins – but born 6 years apart! This week was also the start of

the new Chinese year – the year of the dragon – which is a special

year! Our youngest son, Philip, was born at the tail end of the year

of the dragon at the end of 1988. Since then, he’s usually got the

dragon by the tail and has been twirling it about energetically!

The African Cup (football – soccer) is also underway, jointly hosted

by Gabon and Equatorial Guinea. It’s a huge happening in Africa and

most everyone there follows it, especially if their nation’s team is

involved.

The two qualifying US national football league teams for the SuperBowl

(held on Sunday, February 5th this year), the championship game of the

NFL, have been decided in conference championship games last weekend.

The New York Giants beat the San Francisco 49ers in the NFC game last

Sunday and our very own New England (sic Boston) Patriots defeated the

Baltimore Ravens in the AFC game. So, it will be another chapter in

the Boston vs. New York sports rivalry. Currently in ice hockey, the

New York Rangers are a few points ahead of our Boston Bruins at the

top of the eastern conference in the National Hockey League. In

baseball, the most famous rivalry has been between the New York

Yankees (the “damn Yankees”) and our Boston Red Sox, supported by “the

Nation” of Sox fans. The NE Patriots are slight favorites – but it

should be a good game and of course, it will be, IF, repeat IF, the

Patriots come out on top!

Let’s see what is in the jokes bag that I can safely share with you all.

Happy Hour for Retired People

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Pensacola, Florida.

They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all

drinks 10 cents'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come

on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a

martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis -

shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each

other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents,

finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again

saying,  'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their

curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis

and so far they have spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as

good as these for a dime a piece?'

'Well, I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix,' the bartender said, 'and I

always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $125

million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a

dime......wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

'Wow!!!! That's quite a story', says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice

seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in

front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were

there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and

asks the bartender, 'What's the story with those guys?"

The bartender says, 'Oh, those guys, they're all retired snowbirds

from Canada.  They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half

price.'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

The Candy With The Little Hole

This should make you smile.  You have to love little kids.

Most of you will remember the little candies, called Lifesavers, that

were different colors but all in the shape of a real lifesaver, round

with a hole in the middle.

The teacher gave her little students some samples of these lifesaver

candies, with 5 different colors.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

  Red.....................Cherry

  Yellow................Lemon

  Green.................Lime

  Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother

may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and

yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

That little girl was probably Little Larry’s sister.

Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She

started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid,

stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

*       *       *

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her

face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself

beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a

tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

*       *       *

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She

called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry

quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

*       *       *

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police

station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10

most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and

asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the

policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'  Larry

asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

*       *       *

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as

his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down

the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry

asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because

when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and

in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I

think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Don’t Get Mad – just get even!!!

The Stray Cat

One winter day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a

sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all

matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took

her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her

'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her,

she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty

cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,

with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is

located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the

doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously

seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud

voice said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant!

God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Here is an old one that has been updated now using the Taliban as “the goat”.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the

Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to

find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old

Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.  Would you like to buy a

tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need

water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not

want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am

bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you

will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.

Shalom (goodbye)."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later

he staggered back, almost dead and said,

"Your  f*cking brother won't let me in without a tie!"

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Old Jewish Man

Ahhh – the wisdom of the ages!

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been

going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every

day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking

slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to

leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an

interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults,

and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel  Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like talking to a f-cking brick wall."

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

The 3 male dogs and the female poodle

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a

beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over

themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up

arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless

before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a

glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she

decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the

words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent

sentence can go out with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says: 'I love

liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle.

'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said the Poodle.

'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you,

little guy?' The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame

and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and

the Lab and says....

“Liver alone ….. Cheese mine!”

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

It’s now time for the weekly look back to a TGIF Golden Classic.

True Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,

went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open

the panel in the confessional, the man said:

'Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our

neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from

the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have

no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual

favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on

Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,

you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those

circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed

forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one

more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Well, I don’t know what the priest answered, but I have to tell you

now that this TGIF is over.

It’s the usual time to bid you all a fun Friday and a wonderful weekend!

See you next week.

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 20 January 2012

Greetings from yours truly, Mr. TGI-Jeff. Thank God It’s Friday! Even though I am retired, I still have fond memories of ‘working Fridays’

past and seriously, long before I took on this hobby, Friday WAS my favorite day of the week. I guess it was all about the anticipation of getting a few days off. Some people say we should all be moving to a 4-day work week - - - but hey, I figure that, in reality, we’re already there. I assume not much is produced on Monday mornings or Friday afternoons. So, do the math! I think that totals about 4 days.

Oh, I know you are thinking also about all the wasted time you all spend browsing the internet in non-work related activity. Then there are the long coffee and cigarette breaks and long lunch breaks and personal phone calls and email, including forwarding jokes to your friends, and so forth. (But I will exempt from that the jokes you send to me for use in a future TGIF!!!). It’s no wonder our economy is in such a mess. No one is producing anything – or nearly up to what they are expected to do.

But we can’t blame our politicians and government representatives.

They certainly have been busy - - - no, not fixing the economy or creating jobs or lowering taxes - - - but dishing out pork.

“Your Government and Tax Dollars Hard At Work” (by Doug Bandow) “Obviously what I’m about to list isn’t going to make or break us as a nation in terms of monetary outlay. Each taken individually is but a drop in the sea of $16 trillion dollar debt we now float in. But the fact remains that each is an indicator of why we’re in that deep of a hole. Each points to another area where government has no business, especially spending taxpayer, or more likely borrowed money. Or it points to an expenditure not made on its reasoned merits, but on bureaucratic inertia, lack of control or monitoring or any of a great number of reasons the payment shouldn’t have been made.”

Doug Bandow provides us with the list.

Now, on with the show:

* The U.S. Agency for International Development (U.S. AID) spent $30 million to spur mango production and sales in Pakistan—and failed utterly.

Yup, mango production … in Pakistan.

* The Air Force spent $14 million to switch three radar stations to wind power; poor planning forced cancellation of one turbine and consideration of the same for the other two.

Because we all know wind power is proven and reliable and … what do you mean “put our national security at risk?”

* The Federal Aviation Administration devoted $6 million to subsidize air service at small, underused airports.

Market smarket … we’ll just create one. Until the money runs out, of course.

* A federal grant for $765,828 went to—I am not making this up, to quote Dave Barry—bring an International House of Pancakes franchise to Washington, D.C.

Because bringing IHOPs to DC is a primary function of the United States government and worthy of every dollar spent.

* The Department for Housing and Urban Development (HUD) provided a

$484,000 grant to build a “Mellow Mushroom Pizza Bakers” restaurant in Texas.

Because it is not the market’s job to decide what restaurants should exist in a certain area, it’s the job of government.

* Another HUD grant, this one for $1 million, went to a foreign architectural firm to move its headquarters from Santa Monica to Los Angeles.

Because we knew you’d want us to do it. You need to move? Tough cookies.

* NIH gave the University of Kentucky $175,587 to study the impact of cocaine on the sex drive of Japanese quail.

Because we’re sure Japanese quail are the next target of drug dealers.

Or something.

* The Federal Highway Administration (FHA) gave $916,567 to underwrite horse-drawn carriage exhibits and survey shipwrecks in Wisconsin.

Because, well, we couldn’t think of anything else to do with the money.

* The Oregon Cheese Guild received $50,400 to promote cheese.

Because obviously the Oregon Cheese Guild wouldn’t be able to promote cheese without this.

* Uncle Sam spent $111,000 to send brewery experts to conduct classes in China.

Because the folks making Tsing Tao obviously couldn’t handle that.

* The ever busy NSF devoted $300,000 to developing a dance program to illustrate the origins of matter.

Because without it … oh never mind.

And my personal favorite:

* Washington helpfully gave almost $18 million in foreign aid to China—money effectively borrowed from China.

The circle is complete. Borrowing money to give money back to the entity from which we borrowed it while still owing the principle.

Brilliant.

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

But wait. Things seem not to be very different over in the European Union.

This Says It All (Like the K.I.S.S method – Keep It Simple, Stupid!)

Pythagoras' Theorem: ...........................................24 words.

Lord's prayer:....................................................... 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: ...........................................67 words.

Ten Commandments: ..........................................179 words.

Gettysburg address: ............................................286 words.

US Declaration of Independence: .................... 1,300 words.

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: .........7,818 words.

EU regulations on the sale of CABBAGES:.....26,911 words.

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

How Different Recent Generations Get Their Moniker People born before 1946 were called ‘The Silent and Powerful’ generation.

(TGIF Editor’s note: Tom Brokaw called them “The Greatest Generation”!)

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called ‘The Baby Boomers’

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called ‘Generation X’

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called ‘Generation Y’

Why do we call the last group ‘Generation Y’?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

(TGIF Editor’s Note: Any resemblance between the above and my kids is purely coincidental!)

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED  0%

(I would have given him 100%)

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the  page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?

* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?

* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?

* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

(TGIF Editor’s Note: The Q10 reminds of the one from Groucho Marx when he was talking about his safari in Africa. He said “One early morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas! How he got in my pajamas I’ll never

know!”)

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

Here’s an old one – but I am sure you have forgotten the punch line, so ……… How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies' he responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, ‘3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!’

*             *             *             *             *

Then, if she was anything like my wife, she probably would have taken the fly swatter away from him and hit him over the head with it!

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

It’s now time for the “TGIF Golden Classic” of the week:

Men Are Honest

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE. “Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *             *

That’s my story. And that’s my TGIF for this week. Welcome to some new TGIF members who have recently been added to my list. (I hope Alpha Bah is able to manage his WFP insider list with all the changes going on. If Alpha’s boss is reading this, he deserves a raise or

promotion!)

I see the Australian Open (tennis) is underway down under now. I’m always surprised to see that the time difference between Vermont

(here) and Melbourne is 16 hours. So, partly due to the fact that I have friends and TGIF members down there, I have been trying to send this out late on Thursday nights. Cuz even if I send it at midnight here, it’s already 4 p.m. in Melbourne on Friday. A TGIF message that doesn’t arrive until Saturday is just not the same thing!

One new member, in reply to last Friday’s TGIF (on Friday the 13th) informed me that there are two more “Friday the 13ths” coming later this year. One in April and the second in July, I think. He also mentioned that there are exactly 13 weeks between them. Wow! Unlucky

13 is really making an effort this year. I wonder if that is due to the fact that it is a “leap year”! Maybe, but I won’t “jump” to any conclusions on that!

Wish you all a fantastic Friday and wonderful weekend! See you next Friday, hopefully.

Go Patriots!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 13 January 2012

Greetings from the Friday guy on this, the 13th of January. Beware and
be careful. It is an unlucky day when the Friday is also on the 13th
day of the month. At least, that is what some people believe. We all
have our superstitions, I guess. I am not too superstitious although I
am a firm believer in Murphy’s Laws and all the corollaries. You know,
that if there is a chance that something might go wrong, it will,
definitely! Anyway, if something goes wrong for you today, you can
blame it on it being Friday the Thirteenth!

I think that I have harassed you all so much about not contributing
old stuff that you all have become “gun shy” and are unwilling to
“pull the trigger”. Don’t worry, I will never scold you (at least not
too harshly) for contributing already used stuff, unless it was
printed in a TGIF during the last month – which is clearly a sign that
you are NOT paying attention or have an early onset of that senior
sickness that we all dread!

We finally got 4 or 5 inches of the white stuff today! No! Not cocaine
– but white puffy snow! The ski areas really needed it to boost the
number of trails open and supplement the “snow-making” they’ve been
doing for the last month. I’ve been up on the nearby mountain a few
times this year and the snow-making is good, but Mother Nature is much
better, and less costly!

Reminds me of the one about the female TV news anchor in Michigan a
few years ago. The day before, the weatherman, Ted, had predicted a
winter storm that would likely dump about 8 inches of new snow in the
area. In fact, the storm only produced about an inch or two. So, the
next day, while shifting over to Ted and the weather spot, she said to
him “So, Ted, what happened to the 8 inches you promised me last
night?”  (Most of the TV cameramen and crew keeled over with laughter
and they all had a hard time continuing the telecast.)

Let’s see if there is anything not too old and fit to print.

Lawyers and Ethics

I dedicate this one to my lawyer friends who I play tennis with. So,
maybe the two guys are named Bob and David.

Two Lawyers Stranded on a Desert Island

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island were lots of tall coconut palms that
provided them their only food and liquids.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could
spot a rescue boat coming. Finally, one day the lawyer yelled down
from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman
out there floating in our direction!"

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly
beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so
much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to
the water, dragged her up onto the beach and discovered, yes, she was
alive, warm and breathing. One of the lawyers then said to the other,
"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now
without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....so....do you
think we should...well...you know...screw her?"


"Out of WHAT!!!?!?"  ...asked the other.

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The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he
got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear
nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language …
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about!"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I’ll kill him!"

The lawyer with sign language to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

*       *       *
Don't you just love lawyers?
TGIF Editor-in-chief: Do I see a theme here?
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Percentages

Percent of the 99% who want to kill the 1%:

2001 – 1%
2011 – 99%

-from Esquire,
“Inside the Census”
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Anagrams – Just for Fun

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS !  NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

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Performance Evaluations
I have noticed that WFP is doing some 360 degree evaluations of staff.
It’s hard to do well when the manager’s messages are not very clear or
coherent.
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to
submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the
submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the
winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one
will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on
it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know
when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged
and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was
scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I
would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked
if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be
better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T
Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This
is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the
subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would
be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited
until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was
asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and
materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the
"pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day
after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into
the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president
wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told
that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her
company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand
that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR
manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he
told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo
to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could
not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company
memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I
created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday
paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo
from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily
determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of
transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better,
if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)
TGIF Edit. Note: Isn’t appropriate that there are 13 on this 13th day
of the month?!!!
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Hans – the German tourist

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando,
Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The
madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain
him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"
and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do
with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will
do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would
surprise her.

So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a
little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He
whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him
as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in
all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work
herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything
a man could possibly ask for.

She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls
so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and
is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink
and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

May Joe R.I.P. (rest in peace)

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her
oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and
leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the
memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

(Edit. Note: I think even Pam would appreciate this one!!!)
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
Words and Phrases from the Wisdom of Andy Rooney

One of the many who left this world in 2011. We loved listening to him
on 60 Minutes each Sunday.
We're going to miss ANDY ROONEY and his words of wisdom.

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good
memory....I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and
Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good
partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a
French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many
men still sleep with their wives!

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
I’m not sure I actually heard Andy Rooney say any of those things.
Maybe someone else is trying to benefit from the fact that he is no
longer with us to deny having said these. I do recall seeing a lot of
expressions he really did say that were pretty good.

Time to say “au revoir” until the next Friday when I have enough
material to put together a TGIF message. Until then, have a great
Friday and a wonderful weekend!

Pam and I are going to be meeting the parents of our oldest son’s
girlfriend, Mary, this weekend and we are looking forward to it:
meeting the parents! Hope it goes better than it did for Ben Stiller
and Robert de Niro!!!

Until the next time, take care!

TGI-Jeff