Greetings from your Friday guy at this end of the week in mid-August. A lot of you are certainly enjoying some vacation time off this week and parts of this month. I wish you a nice holiday!
I’ve been busy as usual during these summer months. Lots of bike riding and golfing and beer canning and attending meetings and gardening. So, I stay busy. Last Saturday was our annual Harpoon Point-2-Point bike ride (50 miles) and our team did it again to raise lots of money for the Vermont FoodBank. So, it’s nice that I continue to work to find ways to fight hunger.
It was great that my eldest son Jonathan was able to come up last weekend and ride with us and help our Okemo (ski mountain) team once again have the largest team (46 members). My biking friends from Springfield (Frank, Peter, Bill) and Jonathan and I had a great day riding. The weather was cooperative and the after-ride party with chicken BBQ and beer was pretty good!
This week’s events in Charlottesville Virginia are quite disturbing. And the White House’s reaction even more so. I hope we can find a way to get through this.
But my job is to distract us from all the awful world events going on. So, let’s dive into what I have to offer for this week.
THE HAIRCUT
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this
Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this
week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN.....AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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Why We Love Rodney Dangerfield
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself NOW.'
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD!
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WHY?
1... WHY?
Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
BECAUSE
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
2 ... WHY?
Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
BECAUSE
This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'
3 ... WHY?
Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
BECAUSE
In France, where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans (naturally), mispronounced it 'love.'
4 ... WHY?
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
BECAUSE
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
5 ... WHY?
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called passing the buck'?
BECAUSE
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
6... WHY?
Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
BECAUSE
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the Centre of attention.
7 ... WHY?
Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
BECAUSE
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
8 ... WHY?
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?
BECAUSE
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
9 - BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS EITHER (I SURE DIDN'T)
The grandson of slaves, a boy was born in a poor neighborhood of New Orleans known as the "Back of Town." His father abandoned the family when the child was an infant. His mother became a prostitute and the boy and his sister had to live with their grandmother.
Early in life he proved to be gifted for music and with three other kids he sang in the streets of New Orleans. His first gains were coins that were thrown to them.
A Jewish family, Karnofsky, who had emigrated from Lithuania to the USA, had pity for the 7-year-old boy and brought him into their home. Initially giving 'work' in the house, to feed this hungry child. There he remained and slept in this Jewish family's home where, for the first time in his life, he was treated with kindness and tenderness.
When he went to bed, Mrs. Karnovsky sang him a Russian lullaby that he would sing with her. Later, he learned to sing and play several Russian and Jewish songs.
Over time, this boy became the adopted son of this family. The Karnofskys gave him money to buy his first musical instrument; as was the custom in the Jewish families.
They sincerely admired his musical talent. Later, when he became a professional musician and composer, he used these Jewish melodies in compositions, such as St. James Infirmary and Go Down Moses.
The little black boy grew up and wrote a book about this Jewish family who had adopted him in 1907. In memory of this family and until the end of his life, he wore a Star of David and said that in this family, he had learned "how to live real life and determination."
You might recognize his name. This little boy was called: Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong.
Louis Armstrong proudly spoke fluent Yiddish! "Satchmo" is Yiddish for Big Cheeks!
* * * * * * * *
An Interesting Fact About Manure
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles - you can imagine what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction Stow High In Transit, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term 'SHIT', (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.
* * * * * * * *
ANNUAL PHYSICAL
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom poof the light goes on, when I'm done poof the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through poof the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom poof the light goes on, when I'm done poof the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through poof the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
* * * * * * * *
STICK IT
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.
* * * * * * * *
MUTUAL ORGASM
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'
"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm' there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm' there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
* * * * * * * *
The TGIF Golden Classic
The Gay Cowboy
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly..
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
* * * * * * * *
I remember first hearing that joke when Joe Namath did a version of it long ago.
The Boston Red Sox continue to play well and win games and this weekend is a big series versus the damn Yankees (New York) and so I’ll be cheering on our Sox to win them all. They are four games ahead of those Yankees and I hope it stays that way.
Hope you all have a Fantastic Friday and a Wonderful Weekend!
TGI-Jeff
