TGIF - 24 August 2012

Greetings once again from your TGIF editor-in-jeff. I know it’s been a
few weeks since I’ve been down here in the dungeon doing my hobby. At
least some of you, those in WFP, may have had some “re-runs” during
the last 2 weeks while I’ve been on holiday from this task. Notice the
two poles of doing the TGIF – at one end it’s my hobby and at the
other, it’s my task. When I receive lots of new and good material,
it’s my hobby and easy to do. When I get old and repeated stuff, it’s
my task. So, let me look into the tgifjeff@gmail.com inbox and see
whether this week is going to be hobby or task. (By the way, that
mention of my tgif address is a reminder to those of you who actually
contribute – to send inputs (your “dues”) to that address and please
NOT to my taftdickjeff@gmail.com address as that is my personal one.

Okay. I received from a half dozen of you the story about the best
jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe. So, here is a mixture of those
contributions:

A gag about David and Victoria Beckham's choice of names for their
children has been declared the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe.
The quip, by deadpan Canadian comic Stewart Francis, picked up
one-fifth of votes in a poll of comedy fans organised by TV channel
Dave.
The winning joke - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh
and Becks" - comes from Francis's current show, Return of the
Lumberjacks.
The names of the couple’s children are Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven.
The competition, which has been running for five years, enlisted the
help of 10 comedy critics to draw up a shortlist of gags.
The list was then put before 3,000 comedy fans.
Francis said: "1969 West Mall Soccer Association's Most Valuable
Player, and now this... thank you, Dave."
He also had another entry in the top 10 with: "I saw a documentary on
how ships are kept together. Riveting."
Francis held off tough competition from one-liner legend Tim Vine, who
holds the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in an hour -
499.
Steve North, general manager of Dave, said: "As Dave's Funniest Joke
of the Fringe celebrates its fifth anniversary it's great to see how
the top 10 get wittier and sharper every year.
"Stewart Francis is a very worthy winner and with his droll quip has
proved himself to be king of the one-liners."
*       *       *
Comedian Stewart Francis has won an award for the funniest joke of the
Edinburgh Fringe.
The deadpan Canadian funnyman was given the prize by digital TV
channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to a
public vote.
He won for the joke: "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh
and Becks."
The British King of the one-liner, Tim Vine, took the runner-up spot
for the second year in a row.
Vine, who won the award two years ago, appears twice in the list of 10
jokes compiled by the TV channel, as does Francis.
The top jokes were:
•       1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name?
Posh and Becks."
•       2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs
back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
•       3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed
my sister."
•       4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is
bigger than your book case."
•       5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet…
I don't know Y."
•       6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
•       7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's
only because I'm concentrating."
•       8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept
together. Riveting!"
•       9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained:
'It's not rocket salad."
•       10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an
Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
*       *       *       *       *
Have a beer, your skin will thank you.

Posted by Rachel Raczka - August 17, 2012 from Boston.com Lifestyle section

Today, I had the pleasure of chatting with Dr. Neil Sadick while he
was in town for the Summer American Academy of Dermatology Meeting.
Dr. Sadick, who has more esteemed professional titles that I can even
begin to list, caught my eye as the Global Medical Advisor to
Christian Dior Beauty. Do I want my skin to look like Natalie
Portman's? Oui, oui!

While he was bursting at the seams with knowledge of the latest in
innovative cosmetic procedures, my favorite moment of our chat came
when he advised me to be sure to help myself to a glass a beer this
holiday season.

Crow's feet, cellulite, non-invasive lasers, pain tolerance... beer?
Did our conversation take a casual turn?

Not so much. Dr. Sadick likened the suggestion to the last health
craze that led women to justifying a glass of red wine per day for its
antioxidant benefits.

"We're all familiar that red wine has polyphenols in it that can
protect your body and skin but more recently, it's been shown that
drinking a glass of beer a day, which has silica in it, will also
prevent free radical damage to the skin and internal organs. Party
season? Opt for a glass of beer to protect your skin and keep your
insides healthy."
Well then! Cheers.
*       *       *       *       *
What is a Faux Pas?
One day, Bertie Wooster decided to read a book. On the very first page
he came across an unfamiliar word. So he called out to Jeeves.
“Jeeves, what is this 'fox pass'?”
“What sir?”
“Fox pass, Jeeves.”
“Oh, that would be 'faux pas', sir.”
“Yes, dash it, whatever.”
“Well sir, let me explain it this way. Do you remember last weekend
when Miss Plushbottom came to stay for the weekend?”
“Yes.”
“And do you remember how on Sunday morning you pricked your finger on a rose?”
“Yes.”
“And do you remember how, later, at breakfast, Miss Plushbottom asked:
'Is your prick still throbbing, Bertie?', and you dropped a pot of
marmalade?”
“Yes, Jeeves.”
“Well, that, sir, was a faux pas.”
*       *       *       *       *

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
*       *       *       *       *
I really liked this one:
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
*       *       *       *       *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic.  I have 3 of them to share with
you today.

GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN

On their way to getting married, a young Catholic couple were involved
in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to
wonder - could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were
allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with
the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?

Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in
Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a
lawyer?"

*       *       *       *       *
Ten Mothers In History

1. Michelangelo's Mother: Can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off
the ceiling?

2. Paul Revere's Mother: I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew.

3. Mona Lisa's Mother: After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?

4. George Washington's Mother: The next time I catch you throwing
money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.

5. Mary's Mother: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

6. Columbus's Mother: I don't care what you've discovered, you still
could have written.

7. Napoleon's Mother: All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.

8. Thomas Edison's Mother: Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.

9. Abraham Lincoln's Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you
just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

10. Albert Einstein's Mother: But it's your senior picture. Can't you
do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?

...An extra laugh for posterity:
Jonah's Mother: That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really
been for the last forty years
*       *       *       *       *
A chicken farmer went to the local bar .... He sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman said: "How strange! I also just ordered a glass of Champagne".
"What a coincidence," said the farmer who adds: "This is a special day
for me .... I am celebrating".
"This is a special day for me too, I am celebrating too!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer! As they toast the man asks,
"What are you celebrating?" :
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and
today my gynecologist told me I was pregnant".
"What a coincidence!" the man said: "I'm a chicken farmer and for
years all my hens were infertile, but today they all laid eggs."
"That's great! Said the woman. How did your hens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he answers.
The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence."
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
I hope all my Muslim friends had a nice end of Ramadan celebration
this past weekend. Eid Mubarak!

We are now getting near to the end of summer as September now
approaches. The days are getting shorter and the temperatures are now
more mild.
Time left to wish you all a happy Friday and a wonderful weekend!

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 03 August 2012

Greetings from the TGIF Dungeon during the dog days of summer. It’s
once again cooler down here in the basement than it is upstairs. Pam
just commented to me after her early evening walk tonight that at
least in Vermont, when you have hot days (87 degrees today), it does
cool down at night. It sure was nice for me to come home from a very
hot week in Iowa to the relatively cooler temps of the good ole green
mountain state.

“How hot was it?” you say. Really, really hot! In case you haven’t
been paying attention (not surprising), this was the third consecutive
year that I have made the annual trek to Iowa (home of my alma mater)
to participate in the annual great bike ride across the state. It’s
about 500 miles in seven days and takes place each year during the
last week of July. It tends to be hot in Iowa this time of year and
unfortunately this year there has been a terrible drought all over the
middle of our country. Iowa is known for its’ pigs (hogs – pork) corn and soya beans. The corn has been especially hard hit by the lack of rain.

But for this last week of July in Iowa, you never know what you’ll get
in terms of weather. Some years it is cold and rainy; others it is
really hot, and others it can be a mixture of hot and cold and windy
and rainy. This year it was mainly HOT. Especially the first four days
where the temperature surpassed the century mark on four consecutive
days and the heat index was between 105 and 109 during those days due
to the relatively high humidity. So, it was hot and humid and 12,000
people (crazies) were still riding their bikes each day when the
authorities said one should remain inside, preferably in air
conditioning and if one must work, take frequent breaks and rest in
the shade. Well, every 10 miles or so we would stop pedaling and buy
some food or liquids and rest in whatever shade we could find. After
the day’s trek of anything from 50 to 85 miles, we’d arrive at the
overnight town, find our group and have to set up our tent. With
the heat, we did drink a lot of water and Gatorade and “smoothies”
(fruit and ice mixed into a nice cool and nutritious drink, with the
option of adding whey (protein)). Plus there was ice cold watermelon
that was especially good in the heat. With the temperatures during the
first 4 days above hundred and the high humidity which yielded heat
indices so high, we really had to keep hydrated. I had no appetite and
did not have many solid foods during those first four days. And to add
more challenges to the already difficult heat wave, on the fourth day,
we had to bike 85 miles into a headwind that made it feel like 100
miles when we were done that day. That night we had a huge storm
(including tornado warning) and got drenched in our campsites. So that
storm broke the heat wave and the next day we had a tail wind that
facilitated our 85 miles that day. What a difference between 2 days of
85 miles. The first one was hell. The second one was a breeze. Go
figure!

It’s good to be off that hard bike seat and am now giving my hind side
a chance to recover. It’s nice to sit on cushioned seats/chairs and be
in cooler weather. I doubt I’ll do the RAGBRAI a 4th year, next year.
But this year was the 40th RAGBRAI and since it began the summer that
I graduated (got my college diploma) from Grinnell College in Iowa, I
thought that it was appropriate that I did it this year with the
Grinnell Alumni biking group. In the end, we endured, survived and
are all the better for that! Right?!

What?
Oh, you want me to cut the b.s. and provide some funny material? Okay.
Let’s see what we’ve got to share.

MINNESOTA HUMOR

FAMOUS INVENTIONS

The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later an
Iowan invented the hole in it.

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately
threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down
dere yust for 50 cents.'

THAT'S HER!
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police
line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep,
dat's her!'

SWIM COMPETITION
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in
the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The
Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached
shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee, she remarked, 'I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other
two girls used der arms.'

VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with
only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the
first Norwegian 'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good
ting ve didn't catch any more.'

BAR RIDDLE
A Swede took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota . While in a bar, an Indian
on the next stool spoke to him in a friendly manner ... 'Look,' he
said, 'let's have a game if you answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink, if
you can't, then you buy ME one, Okay?' 'Ya, dat sounds purty good,'
said the Swede. The Indian said, 'My father and my mother had one
child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?' The
Swede scratched his head and finally said, 'I give up. Who vas it?'
'It was ME,' chortled the Indian. So the Swede paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Swede went into a bar and spotted one of his
cronies, 'Sven,' he said, 'I got a game. If you can answer a qvestion,
I buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?'
'Fair enough,' said Sven. Okay....my fadder and mudder had vun child.
It vasn't my brudder, It vasn't my sister, Who vas it?' 'Search me, '
said Sven. 'I give up. Who vas it?'  'It vas some Indian up in Fargo,
North Dakoda.'

FINGERNAILS
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured
her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. 'Good
gracious,' said Hilda, 'How did yew ever dew that?' 'It vas really
simple,' was Lena 's reply ... 'I yust hid his false teeth.'

THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One
evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole
reached over and patted Lena on her knee. 'Lena , vat ever happened
tew our sex relations?' He asked. 'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,'
replied Lena . 'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last
Christmas.'

MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how she was doing with it.
'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?'
asked Lars.
'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.

THE PRANK CALL
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and
Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from
here' he says and hangs up. 'Who vas dat?' asks Lena . 'I donno, some fool
wanting to know if da coast vas clear.

*       *       *       *       *

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand
on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if
you vant to.' So Ole drove to Duluth.

*       *       *       *       *

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets
of the little town of Alexandria, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a
good friend of Ole's said,'Ole...What in the world are you doing?
Where are your clothes? You're naked.' 'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You
see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere
vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.' 'Is that right?', his
policeman friend asked. 'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says,
'Everybody get into the bedroom!'So vee all go into the
bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vel, vee all
got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!' I guess I'm the
first one here.
*       *       *       *       *
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I
could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on
newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod.'
I can tell you, that friggin fly never knew what hit it...........
*       *       *       *       *
Never force children to pray!!!

This is a warning. Never force children to pray.

At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family into prayer...

Little Boy:
But I don't know how to pray.

Dad:
Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc.

Little Boy :
"Dear Lord" he started "Thank u for our visitors and  their children,
who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they wont
come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's
clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, pliz send clothes to all those poor naked
ladies on my daddy's blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless
men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.. AMEN "

Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening......
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
DID YOU KNOW?

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right
side of your mouth.
If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left
side of your mouth.
To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2
million individual flowers
Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.
Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is
considered an insult!
People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport ..
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from
gas in their stomachs.
Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion
to shave them off!
Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is
impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58
seconds.
The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a
time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.
Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros ..
It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never
wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the
ground for thousands of years .
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end .
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a
human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of
tobacco-related diseases.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost
every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year.
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke
unless it's heated above 450 F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not
the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in
the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the
hand of man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional
proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song
Happy Birthday.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the
disease it was intended to prevent.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers. That is
why it is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when
knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up,
you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
(TGIF editor’s note: That is not true! I tried that in a well in
northern Mali about 30 years ago and all I saw was light, but not any
stars. I was about 80 feet below the ground surface.)
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense
lost is sight
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per
hundred grams.
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher
than 15,000 meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they
could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge
down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess
fuel are needed at lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
And last but not least:
In 2012, December has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This
apparently happens once every 823 years!
*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic, if you are ready.

SENIORS & COMPUTERS...........

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next
door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come
over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little shit head.
If you're not a senior yet; then send this to someone who is.

*       *       *       *       *
Time to wish you all a great Friday and a wonderful weekend!
See you all next week.

TGI-Jeff