TGIF - 20 December 2019

 
Greetings from TGI-Jeff on this last Friday before Christmas. It was bitterly cold today and so I spent most of the day sitting near my wood pellet stove and writing cards to be mailed tomorrow. I have been late this season with everything. I was late putting up my outdoor lights. I was late decorating my tree. And I am late writing my annual message and sending out my letters. But I have an excuse. I was distracted! But it’s been a nice distraction – so, I’m not complaining.

It's hard to believe that 2019 is coming to an end already. And – you guessed it – speaking of “coming to an end”, I’ve run out of material. I thought of going back in my previous years’ TGIF messages near Christmas and pick and choose some old ones. But, alas, I didn’t do that – partly because, well, I’ve been distracted.

Thanks to a few of you, I managed to put together one more issue to share with you in 2019. One of my friends suggested that I resort to a monthly issue, to gather enough material for one issue a month. But, let me remind you that that goes against the very “raison-d’etre” of the TGIF. What am I supposed to say? Thank God It’s February?
There was one headline that caught my eye this week (from Andy Borowitz) which was: “Trump Selected Man of the Year by the Sociopath Magazine”.
The other Borowitz story that caught my eye was this one:
Giuliani Kidnapped By Ukrainian Circus!
KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—While on a mission to Ukraine to acquire information about the business dealings of Hunter Biden, Rudy Giuliani was kidnapped by a travelling Ukrainian circus, Giuliani confirmed on Tuesday.
“It was the strangest thing,” he told reporters. “I was on a street corner talking to some people about the Bidens, and these guys came up to me and said, ‘Come with us.’ I thought they were taking me to a cable-news studio.”
Where they were taking him, it turned out, was the Krychevsky Wonder Show, a popular family-owned circus that has been travelling around Ukraine since 1873.
“We saw this guy acting entirely bizarre, and we decided we had to have him in our circus,” Oleh Krychevsky, its current proprietor, said. “It’s hard to find a sideshow attraction with that much potential.”
For two days, Giuliani filled a giant tent at Krychevsky’s, regaling audiences with tales of CrowdStrike, Burisma, and a person named Alexandra Chalupa. But soon his relationship with the circus soured.
“Even after the crowds went home, and we were all ready for bed, he wouldn’t stop talking,” Krychevsky, who ultimately fired Giuliani from the circus, said. “He is exhausting.”
Only after Giuliani’s tenure with the circus was over did Krychevsky learn the man’s true identity. “I was told he was the former mayor of New York,” he said. “I still find that impossible to believe.”
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David Letterman used to do his Top 10 list every night. I’ve got one to share with you!

The Year's Top Ten Country Songs

10.   I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight, Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country Song is...

1.   It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day!

I don’t know why my favorite didn’t make the top 10! What’s mine?
“How Can I Miss You – When You Won’t Go Away?”
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Quotes from Erma Bombeck

My Dad loved her. He would laugh hysterically while listening to her routines!

Was she who wrote the book “The Grass Is Always Greener – Over the Septic Tank”?

Hear some of these classics from Erma:

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

Cats invented self-esteem.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Adults are always telling young people, 'These are the best years of your life.' Are they? I don't know. Sometimes when adults say this to children I look into their faces. They look like someone on the top seat of the Ferris wheel who has had too much cotton candy and barbecue. They'd like to get off and be sick but everyone keeps telling them what a good time they're having.

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

He who laughs.....lasts.

For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour trying to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.
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The Dublin Doctor

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

 The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

"So, Murphy... how was your day?"

 Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did, sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this; and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading  her legs and shouts:

'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' hell Murphy! ......What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."
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Patton’s Prayer

Many stories of heroism, devotion to duty, and faith have come out of the Battle of the Bulge that was fought 75 years ago this month.  One of the most enduring of these stories is of Patton’s prayer.
In December 1944 the Allies, while sure to win the War in Europe against Germany, were in trouble.  The Battle of the Hurtgen Forest, the longest engagement ever fought by the U.S. Army, was still raging and the Allies' advance to Germany was proceeding extremely slowly due to bad weather and stretched supply lines.
The German Army, for the first time since Frederick the Great, launched a major winter offensive.  In Germany, the battle was called the Ardennes Counter-offensive but it became popularly known as the Battle of the Bulge and the goal was to split the Western Allied armies so that they would sue for a separate peace with Germany.
The Germans were initially successful in the counterattack and the Allies were hampered by poor weather even before the offensive began.
To combat the cold weather Lieutenant General George S. Patton, Commander of the Third United States Army, called in Third Army Chaplain Msgr. Francis O’Neill.  Patton told Chaplain O’Neill to compose a prayer for fair weather for battle.  In an hour, Chaplain O’Neill completed a tough theological task and came up with a Biblically appropriate prayer to match the General’s request.  The prayer read:
“Almighty and most merciful Father, we humbly beseech Thee, of Thy great goodness, to restrain these immoderate rains with which we have had to contend.  Grant us fair weather for Battle.  Graciously hearken to us as soldiers who call Thee that, armed with Thy power, we may advance from victory to victory, and crush the oppression and wickedness of our enemies, and establish Thy justice among men and nations.  Amen.”
Patton loved the prayer and had it distributed as the first portion of a two part Christmas greeting that he had sent to the Third Army.  The second, Christmas message read:
"To each officer and soldier in the Third United States Army, I wish a Merry Christmas.  I have full confidence in your courage, devotion to duty, and skill in battle.  We march in our might to complete victory.  May God’s blessings rest upon each of you on this Christmas Day.  -G.S. Patton, Jr.  Lieutenant General, Commanding, Third United States Army.”
Not long after the prayer was written and distributed, the Third Army began to pray in greater intensity.  The weather began to get better and, the day after Christmas, Patton’s Army reached the famed 101st Airborne Division whom had been surrounded and valiantly defending the city of Bastogne, Belgium.  While still more battles were to be fought, the Germany offensive was on its way to defeat.
The prayer of the Third Army, commissioned by General Patton, is a strong reminder of the power of prayer and also shows the boldness of an Army seeking God’s assistance in battle; not for vengeance but to establish His justice among men and nations.  It is hard to imagine that such a prayer would not be quashed in the present day; not by the enemy on the field of battle, but rather crushed by the forces of political correctness.
Such leaders as General Patton, while often rocking the boat, are important in any organization especially one as resistant to change, and in need of prayer, as our beloved Army.  As MSGR James O’Neill, who composed Patton’s Prayer, said about the General, “He had all the traits of military leadership, fortified by genuine trust in God, intense love of country, and high faith In the American soldier.  He had no use for half-measures.” 
There is much to be gained from Patton’s Prayer and may his message from 75 years ago this month continue to be a guide for United States forces throughout the world, this Christmas season and always.
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The Jewish ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? 

"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

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Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

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 CHRISTMAS CHEER and Seasons Greetings for the end of 2019! 
THIS IS THE REASON TO EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY.
FABULOUS NEWS FOR US ALL !!!
(There is a photo of a not very attractive oldish-looking woman)
This woman is 53 years old. She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health, and promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet which is high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation, and supplements.
(Then follows a photo of a very attractive lady)
This woman is also 53. She is Nigella Lawson... a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, chocolate and desserts .....and, she washes it all down with wine!

I REST MY CASE.
CHEERS AND A GLASS OF  MULLED WINE
AND A WARM MINCE PIE... 

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,

While flying around in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,

Then let's face it...


You're probably drunk!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2020!
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Adults only  

 NUDE SANTA -----

Scroll down to see the nude Santa















For crying out loud.  Act your age.  There is no nude Santa !

Sometimes I worry about you!!!  Now go and get some work done!!!
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Here’s wishing you all Happy end of year Holidays and a very happy and healthy 2020!

See you next year – maybe, and hopefully.

TGI-Jeff
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TGIF - 13 December 2019


Greetings on this Friday in Advent Season. I’m starting to get into the spirit of Christmas. I light my scented candles as I sit down to compose an annual family letter and write the personal messages on them and print out the address labels and lick the Christmas stamps and apply them to the envelopes. Last week, I went out with Dianne and cut my own Christmas tree on the farm where I used to work 52 years ago. It’s up and the lights are on it. I just have to decorate it this weekend. I finally got the light strings that still work (for outside) up in the last days. I had to buy some new strings as the old ones have problems – like only half of the string lights. I think the Chinese are getting revenge on us! And I’m playing my Spotify Christmas playlist which I love and helps me get in the mood.

I don’t have a lot of new material for this edition. So, it all could be considered a TGIF Golden Classic. But I suspect you don’t really care. Especially all of you slackers who never contribute anything.

So, I’ve decided to use some material from a local journalist who writes a weekly column in a regional paper. I’ve been a big fan of Willem Lange for many years and I find that I share many of his interests. I liked his article this week about this time of year and the solstice. So, I’ve copied a bit of that below to give you my Vermont flavor this week.

Willem Lange – Wed. 12/11/2019

It’s a strange, confused, depressing, hopeful time of year; these weeks between Thanksgiving and our year-end holidays. Once again this year, we’ve got early snow; and though it’s hard to say from the vantage point of this keyboard right now, we don’t know if the snow will survive the current rain and warm days. What makes this chunk of the calendar so confusing is the confluence of so many yin and yang features. The shortest day of the year – and how we miss the sunlight – is about a week away; yet the almanac shows sunset just beginning to get later. It’s only a handful of seconds a week to begin with, but the days are on their way of reading the day’s mail on the back porch in late afternoon sunlight. The winter solstice brings us earlier sunrises, too, as the sun begins to creep north again, and I put bits of tape on the kitchen floor to mark the edge of an east window’s light as it creeps south. The coldest weather of the winter, though not any more the bugbear it once was, invariably follows the shortest day of the year by about four to six weeks. So, the meteorological middle of winter falls just about Groundhog Day (Feb. 2nd)(or Candlemas, if you are so inclined) About that time, daylight grows faster.

A Few Riddles:

Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A: A pouch potato.

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Q. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
A. Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!

Q: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
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The Old Farmer
An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate the bull’s interest.
A few weeks later, the farmer ran into a friend, who asked, “How’s that bull?”
“Great!” said the farmer. “The bull is back to his former frisky self.”
“That’s fantastic. What miracle drug did the vet prescribe?”
“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “But it tastes like licorice.”

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SENIOR PARACHUTE CLUB
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing. 
(Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.)
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 88 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" 
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
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Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. 

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. 

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. 
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.    He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. 

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. 

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

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A Small American Town’s Squirrel Problem 

A band of squirrels had become quite a problem.
The PRESBYTERIAN church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.  After much prayer land consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the BAPTIST church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The LUTHERAN church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The EPISCOPALIANS tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the CATHOLIC church came up with a more very creative strategy!
They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.
Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the JEWISH synagogue. They took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

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Deer Camp

We were all at deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. We decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so we agreed to take turns.

The first guy slept in the same room with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

We said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

We said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. We couldn’t believe it. We said, “Man, what happened?”

He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Apparently, Bob sat up and watched me all night.”

With age, comes wisdom.

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Okay. I’ve just finished scraping the bottom of the barrel of potential TGIF material. If I don’t receive any new stuff in the next weeks, there will not likely be a TGIF until well into the new year 2020. So, I will wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and you’ll be hearing from me if I hear from you with some new material.

Have a great weekend!

TGI-Jeff
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TGIF - 06 December 2019


Greetings once again from your Friday guy! Yep; this is three weeks in a row. But I dug deep into the barrel to come up with enough decent (I’ll of course let you be the judge of that!) material to make one issue for today. I have noticed that my resumption of this weakly (!) activity has spurred some of you on to look for stuff to share with me, as I’m starting to get inputs from a few of you. But, here is my “common” warning to you all: if I don’t get material to share, there will be no sharing, even during this giving and sharing season of the year. I’ll just become an old scrooge and you won’t hear from me!
You won’t have to impeach me to get rid of me. Your lack of any action will suffice to force me to abandon this hobby.
A very nice by-product of this hobby, though, is that it seems to stimulate many of you to write to me and share your recent news and family updates. I do appreciate receiving your personal messages. So, in addition to having to cease my TGIF production to try and put a few smiles on your face at the end of the work week, it will also result in my not hearing from many of you.
It’s time to start playing around with some words and phrases and create some humor.

Playing Around With Words
1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
8. It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
9. So, what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.
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A Serious Father-Son Talk about Love and Marriage
-       Or how not to argue with the logic of a 4 year-old
Boy aged 4 : Dad, I’ve decided that I want to get married.
Dad : Wonderfu; do you have a girl in mind?
Boy : Yes . . . . grandma! She said she loves me; I love her, too . . . . and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!
Dad : That’s nice, son, but we have a small problem there!
Boy : What problem?!
Dad : She happens to be my mother. How can YOU marry my mother?!!?
Boy : Why not?!  You married mine!!!!!
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Aphorisms
An Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn't that be an even number? 
I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE A LOT LIKE ALGEBRA. HAVE YOU ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive,
try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?                  
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Are They Compatible?

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.  "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over toward her and whispered.......

"Is that one word or two?"
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Love is a Many Splendored Thing!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
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It’s time for a TGIF Golden Oldie Classic!

TWO GUYS
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach,
Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again?  Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch ?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go ?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for
lunch ?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they
have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before.

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Makes sense to me.
Time left is just enough to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Maybe I’ll get around to putting up my outdoor Christmas lights and buy get a Christmas tree and decorate it. My kids won’t be coming here for Christmas this year (as they will be spending it with their significant others, and their families). Instead, they will be coming here to Vermont in early January for several days of skiing before Joya and Chris head off for their respective studies in the University of Capetown (SA).
Don’t forget me when thinking about your gifts this month and send me a few useable jokes (and be paid up your TGIF dues for next year).
Ciao!
TGI-Jeff
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TGIF - 29 November 2019

 
Greetings once again on this last day of the week – Friday – and here in the good ole USA, it is Black Friday. Lots of sales and shoppers – the day after Thanksgiving. I just returned from New York City where I spent Thanksgiving with Joya and Christopher (who drove up from DC) and Jonathan and his fiancé, Melissa. It was hosted by Melissa’s parents, Larry and Carmella and many of their life-long friends were there as well. About 20 of us in all. Dianne accompanied me and it was a good 3-day trip for us. Just got home about an hour ago and since someone sent me a good joke about Thanksgiving, I decided to do this issue this evening.

So, it is TGIT – Thank God It is Thanksgiving! We have much to be grateful for. And I am attempting to start a gratitude journal to enter something each day that I’m thankful for.

I’d love to be able to keep this Friday habit going – now that I’m on a two consecutive week roll. But that depends on your contributions. I did notice that there was an uptick in those as a result of my last week’s issue. Thanks. It enabled me to issue this one. Keep them coming and I’ll try to do the same!!!

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. I’m glad that I’m home in Vermont before the arrival of a winter storm on Sunday that carries into Monday and may leave us with 9 inches of the white stuff. My brother in Colorado reported yesterday that they got more than 20 inches a few days ago. My snow blower is ready to roll and I’m ready to get out my snowshoes and skis.

Last week, Vermont and the snowboard world lost a great one – Jake Burton Carpenter! His Burton boards helped grow the snowboarding sport and he had his production plant in nearby Manchester, VT. He was only 65 and died from complications from a form of Cancer that he’s had for several years. He will be missed.  There have been a lot of tributes paid to him during this last week and I’ve enjoyed hearing and reading all of them.

I enjoy being a bit older and wiser now. I’ve learned a lot of stuff along the journey. Here are some things that someone else of my generation has learned:
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with berries and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days you’re the top dog, some days you’re thefire hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what am I’m “here after.”
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before? Or did I get it
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THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.

They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the
building materials for his home.

She read. "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man
said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the
man would have said, 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'"

The teacher had to leave the room.
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Apparently, this really happened……….

The funniest thing I ever heard a doctor say in an ER:
A doctor friend of mine was working in the ER at Bethesda naval hospital. An orderly approached her and said “There is an admiral’s wife, back in a private room, she insists on seeing a female doctor”. So my friend went to see her.
The admiral’s wife admitted that she had an insertion vibrator stuck in her vagina.
My doctor friend said “What do you want me to do? Pull it out, or just change the batteries?”

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Sliding Down the Banister of LIFE 

1 .  Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”


2 .  Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3.   The difference between the Pope and your boss is, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4.   My mind works like lightning - one brilliant flash and it's gone.

5.   The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6.   I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7.   It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.  A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9.   My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10.   Definition of a teenager?   God's punishment.....for enjoying sex.

And, as you slide down that Banister of Life.....you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way, “OUCH”

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Subject: Al-Gebra terrorism

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation. 

A secondary school teacher was arrested yesterday at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator. 

At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. 

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.” 

In Washington, when asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." 

White House Officials told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. 

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From Grandma (for Thanksgiving)

You know this lady???

Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. This year it will be paper plates and red Solo cups...they might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to your kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma

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I hope most of you have not pissed Grandma off.

And that your Thanksgivings were enjoyable. Now, it’s time to get up my outdoor Christmas lights and start getting ready for the end of year holidays. I may even try to do a family letter this year. I’ve not done one in a few years.

Happy Birthday on December 4th to PHIL who turns 31!

Have a nice weekend and keep the contributions coming!!!

TGI-Jeff
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