Greetings from your Friday guy as we approach the end of April. Spring has sprung here and we’re all happy about that! It’s nice to see the dafodils, the forsythia and other early-blooming plants make their appearance.
The last of the snow melted, as usual, by about 15 April. And this year, we had no late mid-April snow. The last snowstorm was on April 1st – yes; a cruel joke!
I’ve been out raking and bringing out summer things and putting away the winter stuff in my little barn.
The last TGIF that I sent out was 2 weeks ago. I didn’t realize when I wrote it, but my golf course opened on that Friday, April 14th. So, when I learned that from a ping pong friend that morning, I went out and walked the front nine in the early afternoon. Other than the fact that my ball “plugged” in the wet first fairway and took me 5 minutes to find it, the course was in good shape. I’ve played a few times (9 holes each time) since then. My winter Wednesday night tennis ended this past Wednesday night and my summer men’s league golf league begins next Wednesday evening. That’s a smooth transition, I’d say!
A few weeks ago, after the unfortunate incident of a United Airline’s passenger being hauled off a flight – which I mentioned in a recent TGIF message, there have been, of course, other funny stories come out about that. Like the following:
New United Airline’s Slogans
“We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.”
“Our prices can’t be beaten...but our passengers can.”
"United Airlines. Putting the hospital in hospitality."
"Early boarding, late boarding, water boarding, all the same to us!"
"Board as doctors, leave as patients."
"Did you want a window seat or a concussion?"
“We have an offer you can’t refuse. No, really.”
“Not enough seating? Prepare for a beating.”
“If our staff need a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet.”
“We treat you like we treat your luggage.”
"If we can't seat you, we will beat you."
"Where the customer is never right...just beaten."
“Fight or flight.”
And last, but not least -
"If we cannot beat our competitors, we beat our customers."
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Polish Sausage
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."
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So, You Think You Know Everything?
Read and remember these facts:
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
There, now you know everything!
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HEALTH ISSUES WE SHOULD ALL ADDRESS
Do you ever have feelings of inadequacy?
Have you ever suffered from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of yourshyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that preventyou from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, tabledancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Warnings:
. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel it may benefit!
Now, just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz.
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Distracted Driving Incident
Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........
This morning on my way to work, I looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 60 MPH with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving... and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I had to put on my seat belt, then I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed and burned Little Geraldo and the Twins.
It ruined my damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!
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Good News – Bad News
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
* * * * * * * *
I wonder what he and his secretary were doing in the pictures.
My good news to you is that it’s Friday, Thank God, and now you can look forward to the weekend! Enjoy!
TGI-Jeff
