Greetings once again after a lengthy absence from your Friday Guy – namely TGI-Jeff on this last Friday of January 2022. It seems the last time I issued a TGIF message was at the end of October. So, it seems I’ve gone from a weekly to monthly to quarterly message. (Maybe that has something to do with the lack of funny material in my TGIF inbox!)
Or maybe it’s due to my busy life. Probably a combo of the two!
All is well on the home front. Dianne and I are well and dodged a few exposures to Covid and so far, have not come down with it. We are vaxed and boosted and staying very careful, masking and all that. Members of our families (kids, etc.) have had it to varying degrees. It’s been a stressful period and our active dreams seem to be reflecting that stress and anxiety!
As for family news, Jonathan and Melissa are about to purchase a larger (really nice) apartment in the same building they are in now in Queens (NY) and thereby, keeping their parking spot in the underground garage. Philip and his partner Kailey have just purchased a house in Oceanside California, not far from where they are currently living and are super excited about that! Joya has recently finished writing her book about her late mother and the boys and I have read the final draft. She is now submitting it as the last step in getting her Masters in Creative Writing from the University of Cape Town. She hopes to find a publisher for it and her adviser thinks she will. She and Christopher plan on staying in South Africa for this year and will be moving into an apartment “downtown” which has great views of the city.
Jonathan is transitioning from the job he has had in NY with Five Acre Farms for the last 6 years to a new one that starts in a week or so. In fact, today is his last day. He’s excited about the new one. So, given that he has a week in between, he is coming up to Vermont for several days to spend with us and ski with me. Dianne’s skiing is now limited to the cross country variety. And we enjoy to snow shoe together. We went up my back hill last week for the first time this winter. Speaking of winter, we hear that a big snowstorm is approaching and may dump a foot or more of snow in New England. That’ll be good for our skiing next week, if it happens! Meanwhile, it’s been very cold here on and off for the last few weeks. It was minus 11 F here on Thursday morning! (That’s like -20 Celcius!)
I hope that most of you have stayed covid-free for the last 21 months. Hard to believe that it still continues. A new variant of the Omicron is now out as well. It’s important for everyone to get vaccinated!
William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated
Nurse: Which arm?
W.Shakespeare: *As you like it*
Nurse: Was that painful?
Shakespeare:*Much ado about nothing.*
Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.
Shakespeare: *Measure for measure?*
Nurse: So, how was the experience?
Shakespeare: *A midsummer night's dream!*
Nurse: So what do you think of the govt handling of Covid?
Shakespeare: *Comedy of Errors.*
Shakespeare now began asking the nurse.
Shakespeare: When will my quarantine end?
Nurse: *On the Twelfth Night.*
Shakespeare: Who will foot my quarantine bill?
Nurse: *The Merchant of Venice.*
Shakespeare: Where will I be put up for my quarantine?
Nurse: *In a Hamlet.*
Shakespeare: Thank you for helping me
Nurse: *All's Well That Ends Well.*
* * *
A Very Difficult Puzzle
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pices into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea and then," with a deep sigh . . .
"Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
* * *
Puns for 2022!
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
4. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
5. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
6. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
7. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.
8. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
9. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
10. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
11. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
12. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
13. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
14. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.
15. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
* * *
I Wouldn’t Wine About That – Part I
Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.
They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.
Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still!
Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied "you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?" I am now blocked.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers .. if you do find one, what's your plan?
Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.
Covid-19 Fact: 87% of gym members don't even know their gym is closed.
I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.
If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer. There's no other explanation for that type of income.
My wife knows it's time to clean out her purse when her car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently, you can't do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here.
Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we're all in trouble. Vaccinate the politicians first. If we lose a few of them, it won't matter. Amen!
In the 1950s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.
Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk. I got sour and chunky.
Dear Sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years.
I still have a full deck, I just shuffle slower.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. but his brother Frank was a monster.
* * *
I Wouldn’t Wine About That – Part II
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading this note, sighs. Sends her another note, and leaves.
The waiter brings her the note. It read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari, a BMW i8, and a Mercedes AMG GTS in my garage, plus I have over 20 million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my member. Just send the wine back."
* * *
The Lovers’ Rendezvous
A woman meets with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi..." "I'm so glad that you called..." "Really?" "That's wonderful..." "Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time..." "Oh, that sounds terrific.. Love you too." "OK. Bye-bye." She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, "Who was THAT?" "Oh," she replies, "That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
* * *
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies, it messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good and honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is to stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
*Leave the rest to God.
* * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic!
Spaghetti
A long time ago, a wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, though she wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card... then promptly turned white and fainted. Alarmed, she picked up the card on the floor and read aloud: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
* * *
Okay, Charlie, I hope you are happy! And I must thank our family friend and former Joya’s teacher, Debba, with contributing probably more than half of the jokes used today.
For those of you in the US, stay warm and enjoy this time between winter and spring. I am already looking forward to spring. The newly paved dark roads have now turned white with all the salt applications! And so much sand too! I still prefer to live in this wonderful, small but brave state! Although a short getaway to Fort Meyers or the Caribbean would not be bad either!
Have a fantastic Friday and a Wonderful Weekend!
TGI-Jeff
