Greetings from the icebox and it’s not just in the northeast of the USA, but all over. Atlanta got almost shut down by 7 or 8 inches of snow this week. Lucky they’re not having the SuperBowl this Sunday in Atlanta! The NFL took a big risk in assigning SuperBowl 48 to New York. It’ll be in the stadium that is shared by both NFL teams, the New York Jets and the New York Giants. However, the stadium is not in New York, - it’s in New Jersey. So, there has been a lot in the news this week about that and how New Jerseyites are upset. A Jersey friend sent in the following facts about this, from the NJ perspective.
Super Bowl XLVIII firsts:
· Cold-weather, outdoor stadium
· Two host teams (the Jersey Giants and the Jersey Jets)
· Two host states. The game may be in NJ, but the money and visibility will flow on the other side of the river to New York.
· Mass transit Super Bowl—there is a Jersey Transit Station about a hundred yards from the stadium.
· You may not walk to the game. NFL rules!
Peyton Manning wears #18 by permission of Frank Tripuka, a Jersey native and father of BBall great Kelly. Frank was a QB at Notre Dame and then a pro QB from 1949-63. He had 3 seasons with the new AFL Denver Broncos and they retired #18. He offered the #18 to Peyton. Frank died last September.
The old Giants stadium (1976-2010) hosted the most NFL games. The sharing of the stadium by both the Giants and Jets enabled it to break a record that had long been held by Chicago's Wrigley Field. Entering the 2003 season, its twenty-eighth, Giants Stadium had played host to 364 NFL games, second only to the 365 played at Wrigley by the Chicago Bears in their fifty seasons there.
Denver and Seattle play in the only two states where recreational marijuana use is legal (Colorado and Washington).
Therefore, possible nicknames for this year’s SuperBowl are:
Bud Bowl.
Weed Bowl.
Fill a Bowl.
Super Stupor Bowl.
Halftime show: Punt, Pass, Puff.
Featuring “Rocky Mountain High" by John Denver .and “Purple Haze” by Jimi Hendrix
Jersey Bowl Half-time! What we should see, given the venue:
· Queen Latifah
· Bon Jovi
· The Boss
Color Commentary by
· Danny DeVito
· Ray Liota
· Meryl Streep
Jersey Jokes that need no set up:
· Vince Lombardi Service Area
· Garden State
· Jimmy Hoffa
· What Exit?
· Xanadu
If you've ever lived in Jersey...you'll appreciate this!!!
New Jersey is the only “New” state where you can leave off the “New” in conversation. Try saying “Hampshire,” “York,” or “Mexico!” But, “Jersey” works just fine, at least here in the US of A.
The Meadowlands (aka New Jersey Meadowlands, also known as the Hackensack Meadowlands) is more than a Sports Complex, home to MetLife Stadium, the Izod Center, the Meadowlands Racetrack, the American Dream Meadowlands, and the Quest Diagnostics Training Center. The meadowlands are 8400 acres of originally "meadows" of salt hay. These tidal salt-water marshes have been drastically altered by the white man since the 1600, largely by gross environmental insults such as land-filling, digging dykes and building turnpikes in, on, and through the ecosystem. Over the past 4 decades, significant restoration as been funded by taxes and settlements with polluters.
East Rutherford, home of Metlife Stadium, has a population of 8900- less than 1/10 the size of Green Bay.
So, enjoy this year’s SuperBowl brought to you from New Jersey! Go Broncos!
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THE AFFORDABLE GOLF CLUB ACT
New Law....If you have old golf clubs....you can keep your golf clubs....until April 2014
The administration has passed a new law titled:
"The Affordable Golf Club Act" declaring that every citizen must purchase a new set of golf clubs, before April 2014.
This law has been passed, because until now, typically only the wealthy or financially responsible have been able to purchase new golf clubs without the assistance of their government.
This new law ensures that every American can now have "affordable" golf clubs of their own, because everyone is equally entitled to new golf clubs.
And if you want to keep the golf clubs you already have, you can do that, until April 2014.
These affordable golf clubs will cost from $1,000 to $3,000 each depending on your income level.
This does not include taxes, pull cart, electric cart fees, green fees, membership fees, balls, tees, gloves, range finders, storage fees, maintenance, or repair costs.
In order to make sure everyone participates and purchases their affordable golf clubs, the costs of owning golf clubs will increase 50% each year up to 400% by year 2018.
This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain.
People who can't afford or refuse to maintain their golf clubs will be fined.
However, children under the age of 26 can use their parents’ golf clubs until they turn 27 at which time they must purchase their own golf clubs.
If you don't want or think you don't need golf clubs, you are still required to buy them.
If you refuse to buy a set or make claims that you can't afford them, you will be fined $800 until you purchase a set or face imprisonment.
People living in farming areas, ghettos, inner cities, Wyoming, or areas with no access to golf courses are not exempt.
Age, health, prior experience or no experience are not acceptable excuses for not buying, maintaining and using your golf clubs.
A government review board that doesn't know the difference between a hook and a slice will decide everything. This includes when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your golf clubs along with how many people can ride in your golf cart.
The board will also determine if participants are too old or not healthy enough to be able to use their golf clubs.
They will also decide if your golf clubs have outlived their usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories, like a range finder with slope adjustment or a newer and more expensive set of golf clubs.
Those that can afford memberships at expensive golf country clubs will be required to buy memberships.
If you are already a member and you like your membership you can keep your membership.
After April 2014, a different country club will be assigned for you to purchase a membership.
Government officials are exempt from this new law as they and their families and some of their friends and a few of their friends can obtain golf clubs at the taxpayers’ expense.
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WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY
- Our Phones - Wireless
- Cooking - Fireless
- Cars - Keyless
- Food – Fatless
- Tires – Tubeless
- Dress – Sleeveless
- Youth – Jobless
- Leaders – Shameless
- Relationships – Meaningless
- Attitudes – Careless
- Babies – Fatherless
- Feelings – Heartless
- Education – Valueless
- Children – Mannerless
- Country – Godless
- We are speechless,
Congress is CLUELESS,
and our Politicians are .....WORTHLESS!!
God help us ALL !!
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Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.’
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And speaking of naked . . . . .
Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
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TGIF Editor’s Note: I just love the following one. It’s not new to me but I don’t think I’ve used it in many years and they are all so TRUE!
LAWS of PROBABILITY
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.
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THE CHICKEN AND THE DONKEY
On the farm lived a Chicken and a Donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the Farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the Farmer's new Z-3 silver BMW.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car and sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the Donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the Chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the Chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the Farmer's car, the Chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the Donkey!
Happy and proud, the Chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the Farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, would you believe, the Chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the Donkey to save his life! The Donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the Chicken to grab his Willie and he would then lift him out of the pit. The Chicken got a Good grip, and the Donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
And the moral of the story?
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick.
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It’s now time for this week’s TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC
GOOD-BYE GRANDPA
A father put his 3 year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
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I hope that she signs up for the Affordable Golf Club Act!
Next week is the opening of the Sochi Olympics. So, that means it is time to submit all your Olympic jokes! Hint hint!
Have a great weekend.
TGI-Jeff
