Greetings from the frigid Northeast at the end of another week. It’s Friday so I assume that all you “working stiffs” are especially happy about that! Those of us who are now retired have to think real hard when we wake up in the morning to remember what day it is. Once we manage that first task, then we have to figure out what we are going to do on whatever day of the week it turns out to be. However, lately it has been so cold outside that all our activities are ones that we can do indoors or those that don’t require much time between the house and the car and the parking lot and the store or whatever.
Despite the cold, I did manage to ski once this week (before it got really cold) and that was because our oldest son Jonathan and his girlfriend Mary came up here from Boston for 48 hours and we went over to ski one day at Okemo Mountain on Tuesday. We managed to stay warm with the help of hand and toe warmers and frequent stops in the base lodge to warm up.
Afterwards, we took Pam out for dinner for an early celebration of her birthday, which is in a few days. Birthday greetings also go out to sister-in-law Karen, sister-in-law Martha and to my once college roommate who is now in China. In fact, he was the first one to respond to my last week’s TGIF message, by hitting reply, after I had implored all of you at the end of that edition to please refrain from doing that. There’s always one in the barrel!
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Into 2014 ----- Remember:
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written a book. It's called ... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.
* * * * *
Sex After Surgery
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology – All we did was correct his eyesight."
* * * * *
In America We Speak English!
Overheard in a grocery store by someone in line behind another woman who was talking on her cellphone in another language.
Ahead of her was a white man. After the woman ends the call, the white man speaks to her.
“I didn’t want to say anything while you were on your phone, but you are in America now and so you need to speak English”!
The woman says: “Excuse me?”
The man says very slowly “If you want to speak Mexican, then go back to Mexico. Here in America we speak English”.
The woman replied: “I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, then you should go back to England”!
* * * * *
The Pope died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the Pope, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the Pope, "and whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's David Cameron's clock?" asked the Pope.
"Cameron's" clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
* * * * *
Pam and I recall that Americans who we would meet in Asia, or Africa or in Europe, would “oooh and aaah” when we told them that we were from Vermont. I guess images of the rolling green mountains and their streams, the old covered bridges, the scenic little villages nestled in the valleys with church steeples and old farms with their barns and silos. Then there is the maple syrup and the beautiful fall foliage and the pine trees and snow and white Christmases. Yes indeed. What a place to live!
Here is the diary of a “flatlander” who moved to Vermont with his young bride a few months ago:
Snow Shoveler’s Diary
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25 :
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 : Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 : Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 : Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 :
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 : Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31 :
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8 :
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
* * * * *
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in New Jersey were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through.
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they were eating breakfast again, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through.
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men in New Jersey
who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
* * * * *
THE FORTUNE TELLER
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know...
She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked............."Will I be acquitted?"
* * * * *
Time for the TGIF Golden Classic
I’ll end the edition today with a few old “Newfie” jokes.
A guy was visiting his newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked him what their names were. The newfie replied that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. His friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' Dats easy answered the newfie 'They're watch dogs'!
* * *
A policeman pulls over a “Newfie” in Ontario for speeding. While he’s writing out the ticket a fly was bothering the Cop, so the Newfie says “that’s a circle fly, sir”.
The policeman asks him what a circle fly is. The Newfie says, “them are the flies you find in the barn around a horse’s ass. The policeman says, “you calling me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no sir, I would never say a thing like that; but you know you can't fool them flies, sir”.
* * * * *
Well, our football team (the Patriots) could not upset the Denver Broncos (much to the glee of my brother Nate and my son Jonathan and my former college roommate) and so the Broncos will be playing in the SuperBowl on Ground Hog’s Day, February 2nd, against the Seattle Seahawks. For the first time, the NFL championship game will be played outdoors in the north (outside New York City in New Jersey) and so it will likely be cold. They’re hoping there won’t be a blizzard (3% chance) or precipitation (rain or snow) (20%) or have howling strong winds (20%). But the temperature will likely be cold, probably just a little above freezing. But there is a 100% chance that there will be a lot of super big parties all over the country.
Time to wish you all a great weekend. Put another log on the fire and stay warm and relax!
TGI-Jeff
