Greetings from your TGIF guy at the end of another week. The Super Bowl is over and the Olympics (winter) are now beginning in Sochi. Hope they go well and that they are not disrupted by any untoward incidents! Sochi seems to be having some problems with not being totally ready and stray dogs and potential terrorists and bombs in toothpaste. Let’s hope it goes well!
I did receive a joke contribution for these Olympics a few weeks ago and I was not going to use it; however, I did receive the same one from about 3 or 4 of you since then. So, despite my misgivings, here it is:
The Olympics
A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, as Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her, she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia, that morphed into "Olympics."
Just thought I'd share this new-found knowledge with you!!
You're very welcome.
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Honey, Please
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
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HAVING A GOOD WIFE
An intelligent wife is one who spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman.
Cool message by a woman: "Dear mother-in-law, don't teach me how to handle my children.
I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement."
In an African safari, a lion suddenly bounced on Bob's wife.
Wife: "Shoot him! Shoot him!"
Bob: "Yes, yes. I'm changing the battery in my camera."
What is the difference between mother and wife?
One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
Husband and wife are like two tires of a vehicle.
If one punctures, the vehicle can't move further.
Moral: Always keep a spare tire....
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.
Message of the year:
Women live a better, longer and more peaceful life!!
Why?
Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife!!!
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The Man That Gave Up Sex For Golf...
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a sinister looking stranger walks up beside the golfer and whispers, "To sink this putt, would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer casually says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay."
And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Before he has a chance to say a wish out loud, the stranger whispers in the golfer's ear, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies.
He makes the eagle and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. You see, I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
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Why Our Great Grandparents Were So Happy...
Have you ever wondered why our great grandparents all had such fond memories of their youth?
Well... I'm surprised they remembered anything at all!!!
Forget Tums & Tylenol……….Forget Aleve & Benedryl.
Look at the cool stuff they had back then!
A bottle of Bayer's 'Heroin'.
Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children suffering with a strong cough.
Coca Wine, anyone?
Metcalf's Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market.
Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.
Mariani Wine.
Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of its time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.
Maltine
.
Produced by the Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York. It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children should only take half a glass.
A paperweight:
A paperweight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne (Mannheim, Germany ). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.
Opium for Asthma:
At 40% alcohol plus 3 grams of opium per tablet. It didn't cure you... but you didn't care!
Cocaine Tablets (1900).
All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to 'smooth' the voice.
Cocaine drops for toothache.
Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children very happy!
Opium for newborns.
I'm sure this would make them sleep well. (Not only the Opium, but also the 46% alcohol)
It's no wonder they were called, "The Good Old Days". From cradle to grave... everyone was STONED!
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Wooden Leg
Wisconsin Fire Insurance
A man and his wife moved back home to Wisconsin from Arizona.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!
When they arrived in Wisconsin, they went to Sven's Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in Wisconsin to insure, because it cost him$2,000.00 in Arizona!!!
Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here is it on the screen, direct from Ole's Wisconsin Fire Insurance Company, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler
system over it, is $39.00".
I always did find Wisconsin logic far superior to most others.
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Jewish Parrot
A lonely Jewish widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk ... vus machts du? Yeah, du."
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it.
The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot!"
The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot!"
Meyer did. The African Grey cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America; about how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride; about his family; about his years of working in the garment district and about Florida.
The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store; and how lonely he would get on the weekends. Eventually
they both went to sleep.
they both went to sleep.
The next morning Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him the Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was no place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven; could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed -- Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Meyer, don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"
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A Small Boy’s Question
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: " Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His Dad thinks for awhile and then says "Right-o son...... go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. “Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically, we're living with two tarts and a poof.”
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Time to bid adieu for another week. Wishing you all a great weekend! And good luck to our nephew’s wife Beth with her special delivery today. Hope all goes well!
Until next week, take care!
TGI-Jeff
