Greetings from your Friday guy and no longer from the “TGIF dungeon” downstairs as I’ve discovered that it’s more fun being able to see out of a window here upstairs, even if it gets dark shortly after 5 p.m. and then it’s dark, and COLD! Reminds me of George Carlin’s “hippie-dippie weather reporter” who once said “the forecast for tonight is DARK! Followed by partly light in the morning. It will be ‘high’ in the mountains and low in the valleys. It’s 20 degrees at the airport (but that’s ridiculous cuz no one actually LIVES at the airport!). It’s 110 degrees downtown – but that’s because downtown is on FIRE!” Yeah, man!
It has been cold here lately, as it’s been all over the US of A. It’s even been too cold to ski. Reminds me of the hockey game in Vancouver many years ago that got postponed because of ice! A hockey game postponed because of ice??? Well, you see it had heavily rained and then the temperatures dropped sharply below freezing and the parking lot at the arena was solid ice. So, for safety reasons, (and too much ice) they had to cancel the hockey game! True story!
I know a lot of Vermonters who escape the state for a few weeks sometime during the long and hard winter in order to enjoy some Florida or Carribean warmer weather. It helps break up the long, long Vermont winters! Which also reminds me of the old Vermont story about the farmer who lived in Guilford, Vermont – near the Massachusetts border. One day the authorities approached him on his farm and informed him that his property was actually located in the state of Massachusetts, and not in Vermont. He responded that he was okay with that, as he didn’t think he could survive another brutal Vermont winter!
This TGIF edition is dedicated to my favorite Superwoman daughter, Joya, as she turns 30 today. How appropriate that her 30th birthday is on one of my TGIF Fridays! I can’t take any credit for that, though. Happy 30th Joya! I promise that from now on, I will never reveal your age here in a TGIF!
Our daughter Joya’s middle name is Eleanor. Not necessarily because of Eleanor Roosevelt (although she would be a great role model!) but since both sides of our family had an Aunt Eleanor. Anyway, thanks to my friend Mitch for this quote:
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
* * * * *
Winter Weather Warning
The federal government has issued the following travel warning.
Anyone traveling in blizzard conditions should carry the following:
1. Shovel.
2. Blankets or sleeping bag.
3. Extra clothing, including hat and gloves.
3. 24 hours' worth of food.
5. De-icer.
6. Rocksalt.
7. Flashlight with spare batteries.
8. Road flares or reflective triangles.
9. Full spare gas can.
10. First aid kit.
11. Booster cables.
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning
* * * * *
Cocktail Party Musings
These are such great fillers for when I have a general lack of material………. (hint… hint…)
Did you know that changing to Geico can save you 15 minutes?
Everybody knows that! But did you know that?:
It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite number of times!
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water.
When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers. That is why it is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
(TGIF Editor: I believe that in fact that this one is NOT true. I was lowered on a kind of swing into a well in northern Mali in 1979 that was about 80 metres deep. I had hoped to see stars from down there. But I did not. But my memory from that event was that it was very hard to breathe as there was very little oxygen down there.)
(TGIF Editor: I believe that in fact that this one is NOT true. I was lowered on a kind of swing into a well in northern Mali in 1979 that was about 80 metres deep. I had hoped to see stars from down there. But I did not. But my memory from that event was that it was very hard to breathe as there was very little oxygen down there.)
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
* * * * *
Viva la France!
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just been arrested.
The Englishman answers with great humour:
“No! Do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is the driver... on the other side???
* * * * *
CONTEMPORARY PHILOSOPHERS
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
* * * * *
It is time for the TGIF Golden Classic.
ALWAYS ASK - NEVER ASSUME
His request approved, the Bulletin Newspaper
photographer quickly used his mobile phone to call the Townsville airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.
photographer quickly used his mobile phone to call the Townsville airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.
warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over Mount Stuart and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'
into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over Mount Stuart and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin'
he responded,' and I need to get
some close up shots.'
he responded,' and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
"Life is short! Drink the good wine first."
* * * * *
Time now to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Take care and don’t do anything I wouldn’t!
TGI-Jeff
