Greetings on this Friday from Springfield (Home of the Simpsons) – but this one is in Vermont. There are about 16 of them in the 50 states. In 2007 when they were doing “The Simpson Movie”, they thought it would be cool to have the official opening in a town named Springfield. So, they invited a number of Springfields to compete for the honor/privilege of hosting the grand opening. They asked each of these towns to put together a video with a Simpson theme and they’d post them on YouTube and get the general public to vote for the best one. Springfield Vermont was not originally included in this short list of towns named Springfield to take part in this competition and when they protested, they were then inserted into the list. Long story short – our Springfield prepared the video that won the competition. It featured a “Homer-like” cartoon character chasing a large inner tube (that was painted to look like a giant donut) all over the town here. We happened to be home that summer (on transfer travel from Sri Lanka to Niger) when they had the grand opening here at the local Ellis Theatre. It was quite the event! It was the biggest event that our town has hosted since the visit of Charles Lindberg in 1927 after his transatlantic flight, when 30,000 people went to see him at our local Hartness Airport.
We’ve had a bit of a January thaw and too much rain, instead of snow, and thus, lots of snow has melted or washed away over the last 10 days. The rivers are full and the ice jams have been breaking up and flowing downstream. Despite this, I managed to ski 3 days this week. On Tuesday I skied in the rain; on Wednesday – in the sun; and on Thursday – in the snow. Funny weather!!! But the skiing was pretty good all three days. My legs are complaining a bit now as I draft this; but they’ll be alright by tomorrow when I might do some snow-shoeing.
It’s a big NFL football Sunday with only 4 teams remaining in the playoffs. My brother (who lives in Colorado) and my son are still big Denver Bronco fans. I used to be from about 1970 until 1999. Then I switched back to supporting our New England Patriots. Guess who plays in the AFC championship game? Yep – the Broncos are hosting the Pats. In the NFC, the Seattle team will host the Forty-Niners from San Francisco. I have a gut feeling the Super Bowl will be between the two home teams this weekend and that Seattle will win it all. But I’ll be hoping the Pats upset the Broncos.
That’s a long intro for today’s TGIF message, but I also want to mention the movie I saw last night in that same Ellis Theatre here. “12 Years a Slave” was very well done and compelling and gut-wrenching and hard to watch at times, given the brutality during that slavery period that was graphically portrayed. Nevertheless, it is an excellent film that will no doubt win many awards.
Now, after all that, let’s hope I can find some good material to use.
Definition of Chutzpah (cheek)
A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.
The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"
* * *
Staying with the ecclesiastical theme, but changing the subject…
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to lineup in a straight row, totally naked, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction…
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos…As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up ...... and all the other bells started to ring.
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A FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool’s Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned..."
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
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Hmmmmmmm…. There seems to be a religious theme running through the contributed material today.
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"
* * * * *
I know and have told verbally many times an American version of the following joke. But I had not seen this version before.
Welsh Humour
On a beautiful summer's day, two elderly English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said: 'Burr...gurr....king'.
* * * * *
Well – so far today we’ve had some religious humour and some Welsh humour and now it’s time for some Kiwi humour.
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problem and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness, ey."
"What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
* * * * *
It’s now time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Several years ago the Tonight Show host Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman had ever had. The winner described her worst first date and there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!!! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to flagpoles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her exposed flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what's taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.
Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
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IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ!
Before ending today, I do have a few important (to me) requests to make to all of you. First, please DO NOT respond directly to my TGIF message (by pressing REPLY) and tell me how good it was or how bad it was, etc. It clogs up my computer and slows it down and prevents me from opening these and any messages. I’d love to hear from you, though. So, just start a new message to me, please. Secondly, I don’t expect most of you to respond at all or contribute material. But lately I’ve noticed the things those of you who are sending stuff to my tgifjeff@gmail.com address are: 1) links to funny youtube videos; 2) photos or 3) cartoons or other stuff that I cannot use in my TGIF messages. I don’t mind receiving those in that email box but I’m just saying that that doesn’t help me to publish, only perish. Half of the emails in my tgif inbox since last week were of this kind. From the lack of new or good material being received, the TGIF days may be numbered.
Okay, nuf said and it’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Go Pats!
Cheers.
TGI-Jeff
