Greetings from your Friday guy on this first Friday of 2014. I take this opportunity to wish you all a very healthy, happy and prosperous new year!
It was great having our three kids here for the week around Christmas. And then on the weekend after Xmas, our niece, nephew and his wife, also spent an overnight here with their cousins who they don’t get to see all that often. They exchanged funny gifts and played their own invention of “beer pong” which still involved drinking beer. Thank God that I bought some cheap brews for them to use, instead of my good stuff.
We’ve had about 15 inches of snow already before Christmas, and then a few days ago we had another 4 inches. Our son Phil got to make a few runs on his snowboard down our back hill trail on the 30th before he headed back to the sunny/warm climes of San Diego. It’s been real cold since then and on Thursday, we got hit by the latest storm which dumped another foot of snow on us here.
Hopefully, the roads will be plowed, sanded and salted by the afternoon so that we can get ready to head down to Massachusetts to attend the baby shower for our nephew Caleb’s wife Beth, which is on Saturday. We’ll combine this trip with a visit to my Dad who lives near there and recently turned 97!
It’s now time to turn this introduction over to my “other half” (and proofreader) in order to present our first piece for today.
Pam here, Jeff’s wife, with my first ever contribution to the TGIF, are the lyrics of a fun song I heard recently performed by our wonderful local community chorus at their Christmas concert—one that our women’s singing group in Manila (called “The Asia Minors”) regularly sang during the holiday season with audience appreciation; enjoy!
THE TEWELVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS
The first day after Christmas my true love and I had a fight,
And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite.
Then with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup;
I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake, for their language was obscene.
The five gold rings were completely fake and they turned my fingers green .
The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay,
I gave the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day what a mess I found,
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect,
I bundled up the eight maids a milking, nine pipers piping, ten ladies dancing, 'leven lords a leaping, twelve drummers drumming and sent them back collect.
I wrote my true love, "We are through, love",
and I said in so many words,
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the birds!"
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the birds!"
* * * * *
ELK SEX .....
Two Norwegians were drinking in a bar.
One said, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Aw, crap...." said his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!”
* * * * *
An Irishman‘s text to his wife:
Mary, My rose, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.
If I'm not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.
* * * * *
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as ahigh school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence.....
The rest of the year went very smoothly.
* * * * *
IS GOD GOOD OR WHAT?
A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this coat hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice
man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a
Professional!"
* * * * *
A Male Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he as at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
-THE END -
* * * * *
The Genie Lamp
A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The man thinks for a moment and says,
"I want to live forever."
"I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK, then, I want to die after a Labour government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."
"You crafty bugger," said the genie.
* * * * *
Painting the Church
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless
paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"
* * *
Ah come on-- ya musta seen that coming!
* * * * *
Christmas Day Golf
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --' She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic!
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I
realized that at my age I don't really give a fig anymore. And if
walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise
doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. Funny too, I don't remember being absent-minded. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ? It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
realized that at my age I don't really give a fig anymore. And if
walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise
doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. Funny too, I don't remember being absent-minded. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ? It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".
* * * * *
That “here after” reminds me of an old “Laugh-In” routine that some of you might remember, I think. Noreen?
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy a fantastic Friday and have a wonderful weekend!
And I wish you all the best in the new year 2014!
TGI-Jeff
