Greetings from your Friday guy, It’s the end of April and getting a bit warmer each day. We are getting some nice rain which is much needed and is turning everything very green. I did a lot of raking last week, of leaves left in the yard since last fall, and depositing them up on my back hill. Speaking of my back hill, we had a large black bear lumber up my back hill last Sunday. We have lots of wildlife coming through here, but it was the first time I’ve seen a big black bear.
This Saturday is the annual Vermont Clean Up Day. We pick up trash along the roads and clean up the rural roads and so forth. It’s nice to see so many people get out and pitch in to keep things green and clean.
Okay, it’s time to get to some humor for this week.
Let’s start with a little more of Covid humor:
…..So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life and now you say you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it! Really?
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They say we can have gatherings of up to 8 people without any issues.
But I don’t know 8 people without any issues.
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We should train the Amazon truck drivers to give the vaccine. We’d all be vaccinated by Saturday, Thursday if we had Prime.
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Another reason to wear the mask: You can mouth the words “screw you” to directly to people’s faces all day long and they will never know.
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Mother’s Milk
Michael was taking his mid-term exam in nutrition. The last question, worth 70 points out of 100: “Name seven advantages of mother's milk.”
He found it a challenge, but started bravely enough:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available.
And then he was stuck.
Finally, in desperation just before the bell, he added:
7) It comes in two attractive containers high enough off the ground that the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
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My therapist set a glass of water on the table and asked me if I were an optimist or a pessimist.
I picked up the glass and drank it down. Then I replied that I’m a problem solver.
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I found $20 in the parking lot and said to myself, What would Jesus do?
So, I turned it into wine.
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the UPS driver stopped and knocked on our door to see if everything was okay.
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A guy walks into the pharmacy and asks the female pharmacist “Do you have Viagra for women?”
She smiled and responded, “the jewelry store across the street!”
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I love to make lists. Then I love trying to remember what I wrote on that list that I left on the kitchen counter while at the supermarket.
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Up at 5 am; finished my 5-mile run; home and showered and had a veggie smoothie.
I don’t remember the rest of that dream.
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Politics
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
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Prejudice or Political Correctness?
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream “Prejudice” these days.
A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?”
The clerk responds, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “As a matter of fact I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
The clerk says, “No … I probably wouldn't.”
The guy says, “Well then … because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I was Polish?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Ace Hardware.”
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Bragging Rights/Rites
Five Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
“My son is a priest; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father”.
The second Catholic man chirps,
“My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Lordship”.
The third Catholic gent says,
“My son is an Archbishop. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Grace”
The fourth Catholic gent says,
“My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says “Your Eminence”.”
The fifth Catholic man says very proudly,
“My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness”.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the five men gave her a subtle, “Well…?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,
Slim,
Tall,
Very very beautiful,
38D breast,
24″ waist and
34” hips.
When she walks into a room, people say,
“My God!
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A Discussion Among Five Surgeons
Five surgeons from five different big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few pieces left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
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Secrets to Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ....
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.
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Time to wrap this one up and get it off to you to help you enjoy the last work day of the week. Thank God!
Wishing you a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Take care and be sure to get vaccinated.
Looking forward to having a nice summer and back to the usual stuff.
TGI-Jeff
