Greetings from your Friday guy from my Vermont home in this middle of April. I no doubt reported last week that spring seemed to have come early to Vermont this year and it’s been so nice, although we needed rain. Well, we got the rain on Thursday and the forecast for Friday is SNOW! Aaaccchhh! We’ve had enough of that! I can just hear my friend Tom in Florida laughing. Tom, it’s not funny!!! My Mom always told me that every April when you think spring is here and the long winter is over, there is one last hurrah, a winter blast of a snowstorm that drops anywhere from 2 to 8 inches of snow. I’ve personally experienced that on many a year. So, while we’ve had unseasonably warm weather over the last two weeks, we are in a “Winter Storm Warning Alert” for all of Friday. Some areas in the mountains may get 6 inches and the valleys will likely get at least 2 inches. That’s going to ruin my local golf course’s plan to open on Friday. I put my snow-blower in the barn 10 days ago and I do not plan on shoveling any snow. I’ll just wait for it to melt.
I got my second covid vaccine 2 weeks ago and so I feel good about that now. Dianne just got her second one yesterday. I’m looking forward to things opening back up gradually and that we will be able to enjoy summer this year. I’m looking forward to golf and getting out on my road bike and working in my yard and garden and using the grill in the backyard.
Hope you all are getting vaccinated and that we can move on from this pandemic soon.
Let’s see what I have to offer today.
Bad Communications
Husband: You are negative.
Wife: And you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life, care about no one but yourself and your friends, all you are interested in is your own self, all your life you have not fulfilled even one of your promises. It is only I who is putting up with such a miser and insensitive man. You good-for-nothing, fat, ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed.
Husband: I was just informing you that your covid test is negative.
Wife: Oh … sorry!
* * * * * * * *
BANKING TECHNIQUES:
A senior lady headed to the bank to make a withdrawal.
She handed her bank card to a bank cashier and said, "I would like to withdraw $10." The cashier told her, "For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM." The old lady wanted to know why ...The cashier returned her bank card and irritably told her, "These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you." The lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the cashier and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have." The cashier was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and told her, "You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much currency. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"
The lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The cashier told her any amount up to $3,000. "Well, please let me have $3,000 now", the lady said. The cashier then angrily went back to the vault retrieved stacks of $20's and $10's and spent the next ten minutes counting out $3,000.
Is there anything else I can do for you today?" the teller asked sternly. The lady put $10 in her purse and said "Yes, I'd like to deposit $2,990 into my account."
... The moral of this tale ...
Don't be difficult with older folks, they spent a lifetime learning the skills!
* * * * * * * *
THREE MEN ON A HIKE
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God,please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'.
Poof! ..
He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
* * * * * * * *
The Dead Duck
A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.
A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“
The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.
“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.
“Yes, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“
“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”
The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.
A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.
A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.
The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“
The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is £150.
“£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity
The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20.
However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £150.
* * * * * * * *
My Travel Plans for 2021
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
* * * * * * * *
Baptizing An Irishman
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher
baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus? The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer dunks him again
but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks,
"Have you found Jesus, brother?"
The drunk answers "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him
down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
* * * * * * * *
A Difficult Science Question!
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed ..!
* * * * * * * *
Mathematics
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:
What Makes 100% ?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why Politicians are where they are!
Have you ever seen a better explanation than this formula..............
* * * * * * * *
Time to close this down and wish you all good health and a wonderful weekend. Get outside if you can and exercise and do all the things you enjoyed doing pre-pandemic.
And don’t forget to forward to me any potential material that I can use in a future TGIF.
Thanks.
TGI-Jeff
