Greetings on this last Friday of June. It certainly has been an unusual last 3 months everywhere as we try to figure out how to deal with this COVID-19. I’m pleased to report that our great state of Vermont has been doing pretty well. We have had 56 fatalities and about 900 persons who have recovered from it. There are still a few outbreaks here and there in the state, but, for the most part, the state has handled it pretty well, I think.
Normally, I draft my weekly message on Thursday evenings. But Dianne was here last evening and made a wonderful dinner which we ate out on my back deck. So, I was sufficiently distracted from my TGIF duty.
Then, today at the end of a nice day of working in my yard and lazing around a bit, and after checking my emails, I noticed that I had started a TGIF message maybe 10 days ago and had already entered about 3 jokes. So, I checked my TGIF gmail and found lots of other potential jokes and so, decided, late on this Friday evening, to issue my “weakly” message. Better late than not at all, heh?!
I don’t know if I mentioned it, but a few weeks ago, on the scheduled weekend for the annual Taft Family reunion, we did a Zoom virtual gathering for 2 hours, hosted by Pete Taft (Pam’s cousin) and it was really great.
And last Sunday, Father’s Day, I had a wonderful Zoom session with my 3 kids and their significant others and pets. And on Monday or Tuesday, I received a nice gift from them of some wonderful wind chimes, which I have hung outside on the back deck. Thanks, kids!
Who knew that this coronavirus would be still an issue 3 months after it hit the US?! We have to continue to take care, wear masks and social distance until the worst has passed and/or they have vaccinated everyone.
Let’s see what I have to share today:
“I can’t quite diagnose your case,” said the doctor. “I think it’s drink.” “All right, Doc. I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
Two small boys were arguing about whether there was such a person as his Satanic Majesty. “Of course there is” said one.
“oh no there ain’t” replied the other. “There’s no such thing as the devil.”
“Sure there is,” contended the first. “It’s the same as Santa Claus, He’s your father.”
Now I lay me down to snore, insured for 59 grand or more. If I should die before I wake, my wife will get a lucky break
“I understand that you’ve made up with Maggie and you are going to be married after all.” Said a man to his Scots friend.
“Aye, I had to” said the friend. “She put on so much weight that we could’na get the ring off her finger.”
A prim old woman was given the first shot of whisky she had ever had. After sipping it she looked up with a puzzled air and said, “That’s strange, it tastes just like the medicine my husband has been taking for the past 20 years.”
A man walked into a pharmacy and handed the clerk an envelope containing some white powder. “what do you think that is?” asked the man.”just take a taste and tell me.”
The clerk smelled it and then touched it with his tongue. “Well, I’d say it’s baking soda,” he said
“That’s what I thought too,” said the man triumphantly.
but my wife said it was rat poison. You might try it again to make sure.”
A woman was chatting with the next door neighbor over the fence one day. “We’re going to be living in a better neighborhood soon,” she said
“So are we,” said her neighbor.
“Are you moving too?”
“No, we’re staying here.”
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast!
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space
What did Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
How do poets greet each other?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
“Thanks, I’ll never part with it!”
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Best Senior Games
Sag, you’re IT.
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
Questions Shouted into your Good Ear.
Kick the Bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over.
Doc, Doc Goose
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
and, last but not least - A Fun Round of Musical Recliners!
* * * * * * * *
Yesterday morning, I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the liquor store.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top, she said, in a sexy voice, “I am a big believer in barter old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer."
I thought for a few seconds and then asked,
"What kind of beer you got?”
THE ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE!
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The Older Man and the Pricey Ring
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I’d like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one’s $40,000." The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I’ll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I’ll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There’s no money in the account!"
The old man said, "I know, I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"
* * * * * * * *
Two minute management course
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.
Management Lesson - To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lessons - (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your two-minute management course.
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
THE PIRATE
A pirate walked into a pub and the barman said “Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
What about the wooden leg; you didn’t have that before?”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit by a cannonball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, okay but what about that hook; what happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded the ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine really.”
“What about the eye patch then?”
“On a fine day in the doldrums, I was laying in a hammock on the deck and a flock of birds flew over and when I looked up one of them shat in my eye.”
“You’re kidding” said the barman, “surely you can’t lose an eye just because of that.”
The pirate replied: “It was my first day with the hook”.
* * * * * * * *
It’s time to wish you all a wonderful weekend.
It’s hard to believe that the summer solstice has already arrived and days will start to have less sunlight from now forward. Let’s enjoy it while we can! I love the warm weather and things being green, although we are in partial drought here. I’ve been doing a lot of watering.
Stay safe and healthy!
Until the next time, whenever that is…….
TGIF
