Greetings on this last day of the work week, and I hope that many of you are getting back to work or working from home. It’s been a tough last few months. I wish I could say “Thank God It’s Finished”! But that is premature, I think. We need to be careful how fast we open back up. We don’t want another spike in cases. It’s tough to figure out just how quickly we can start to open up businesses, restaurants, and so forth.
I thought that I might not do an issue this week as there didn’t seem to be much new material. But I’ve managed to squeeze some stuff so that I can keep my streak going But you all need to do better than you are doing at present. There won’t be an issue next week if you don’t contribute something. And may I remind you that it doesn’t do your dues any good if you just send me back stuff that I’ve used in a TGIF message. I get so many messages from some of you who forward my TGIF to your friends and cc me. Nice. But not really appreciated as much as some new material from you all!
I love this time of year here in Vermont. The rhododendron have bloomed and the mountain laurel are getting close. The lilac had just gone past bloom and the old fashioned weigela is in full bloom. The other weigela, a red one, is also getting ready to show out! And my strawberrys are starting to show, as well. And my yellow rose is starting to bloom – as well as my rosa regusa. I love this time of year. Everything is so green! My parley and tomatoes in pots on the back deck are also developing. Plus I have a lot of red, white and pink impatients in deck boxes which are growing well and looking good.
Let’s see what I have to offer.
· If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on, too.
· So, apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn’t the correct response.
· Don’t piss off old people. The older we get, the less "life in prison" is a deterrent.
· Aliens probably ride past Earth and lock their doors . . .
· I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with. She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens . . .
· I don’t really mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
· So, it turns out that being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
· Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Ha, ha. You think that’s bad? Watch this!"
· My mind is like my internet browser: 19 tabs open - 3 of them are frozen & I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE MUSIC IS COMING FROM!
· I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
· If you see me talking to myself, I’m having a staff meeting.
· It’s true that dogs are loyal. But we cats don’t tell the police where you hide your drugs.
· I don’t care how much you liked the soap . . . Never walk out of a public restroom smelling your fingers.
· Do you ever get up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and think . . . "That can’t be accurate."
· I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
· Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
· Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
· Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? / Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
· My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.
· Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) . . . I can’t see you anymore . . . I am not going to let you hurt me like this again! / Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.
· I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test . . . same thing.
· Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer. I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
· After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy. Every time I walk by she says, "What an ass!"
· A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is far worse.
· It’s been a bit of a strange day! First I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar . . .
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The madam opened the brothel door in Galway and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed,
good-looking older man in his late sixties or early seventies:
“May I help you, sir?” She asked.
The old man replied. “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone
else.” Said the madam.
He replied. “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged €10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the old man pulled out ten thousand euro and gave it to Valerie
and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the old man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts. The price is still €10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the old man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the old man.
“No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The old man replied. “Salthill.”
“Really.” She said. “I have family in Salthill.”
“I know.” The old man said.
“Your sister died and I am her solicitor. She asked me to give you your €30,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is, that three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being Scr**ed by a Solicitor.
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Subject: *Simplified urine test
Go outside and pee in the garden.
If ants gather:- Diabetes.
If you pee on your feet:- Prostate.
If it smells like a barbecue:- Cholesterol.
If when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- Osteoarthritis.
If you return to your room with your zipper open outside your pants:- Alzheimer's.
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Church
An elderly couple was sitting in church one Sunday. The wife whispers to her husband that she just let go a silent fart and asks him what she should do. He replies that she should put new batteries in her hearing aid.
That reminds me of the old one: If you fart in church, you have to sit in your own pew!
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How To Deal With Covid-19?
First it was, alcohol kills Covid. Then heat may kill Covid. Now they are saying that direct sunlight may kill Covid. So, if you see me out in my yard, drunk, naked and laying in the sun, mind your own business. I’m conducting important medical experiments.
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Anyone who had their face cleaned by grandma’s spit on a napkin is safe from Covid-19!
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TICKLE ME ELMO TOY COMPANY
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
I think that this is one of the first ones I used back in Rome in the mid-1990s. It still is making the rounds and I got it from one of you this week.
English is such a difficult language
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It’s time to bring this to a conclusion. Hope you all are staying well and getting through this.
It will be a few weeks until you’ll hear from me again as I foresee that I will not have enough material to use (that I haven’t used 37 times before over the last 25 years!).
Have a nice summer and summer solstice and Father’s Day. (Hey Jon, it’s time you send me the Father’s Day card that you bought me last year and forgot to send!)
Until the next time; stay well.
TGI-Jeff
