Greetings on this first Friday of July. Canada Day was a few days ago and this Saturday (and weekend) is the USA’s 4th of July Independence Day celebrations, with backyard barbeques, fireworks and so forth. But not many parades this year due to the coronavirus. I heard that one town in Ohio is going to have their Fourth Parade, but instead of parade vehicles and floats passing by spectators on the side of the road, they will have fixed decorated vehicles and floats parked in a certain area and spectators will drive by them in their vehicles. (Necessity breeds creativity!)
I’ve been doing a lot of work in my yard lately, trimming things and raking and reseeding spotty grass areas and watering. We were in moderate drought conditions, but the first three days of this week contained many showers and thunderstorms and so we got lots of rain. I noticed on the risk of fire posting that it had moved from moderate to low.
I’ve also been playing golf once or twice a week and continue zoom meetings with the non-profits that I volunteer for, as well as my church, and family. Zoom has been a godsend during this difficult time.
I plan to get out on my bike once the yard projects are under control. I’m also trying to get my driveway paved, as it’s been years since the last time and it has many cracks. Since the two large white pine trees were taken out last August, my solar panels have been getting a lot more direct sunlight, which is greatly lowering my electricity bill.
I had to go back a ways to find some useable material for today’s issue. Enjoy!
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As summer arrives, do we dig out our shorts and just cut the legs off of our pajamas?
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Corona Virus: 1. 6 feet distance; 2. No kissing; 3. No hugging; and 4. No social interaction.
It’s just like being married – but with a cough.
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People are asking Who is still doing nails and hair ……?
The Mortician – Stay At Home!
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Since the beauty salons have been closed, selfies have dropped off like the stock market!
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Interior Decorator
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
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Autocorrect
The man who invented autocorrect has died. May he roast in piss.
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A guy wants a divorce. The judge asks what are the causes for his request. The man replied that his wife is out all night, going from one bar to another.
The judge asks “What is she doing”?
The man replies “She’s looking for me!”
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That reminds of the one about the drunk who was stopped by a cop in the early morning hours. The cop asked the drunk driver just where he was going at that hour. The drunk man replied that he was going to a lecture on the evils of alcohol.
The surprised cop said “Who would be giving a lecture like that at 2 in the morning”?
The drunk replied: “My wife!”
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Irish Sunshine
The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub.
There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?
“Fishing,” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me”.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me”.
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking, "So, how many have you caught today?"
"You're the 8th", replied the old man.
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Billy Bog and Luther
Billy Bog and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bog tells Luther:
"Ya know, I reckon I’m 'bout ready for a vacation . . . only this year I’m gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas. Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bog, "So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?"
"I’m taking Earlene with me."
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Preacher’s Salary Issue
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from god," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and, in her frail voice, said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
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THIRTEEN COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIOR CITIZENS
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
And the 13th Commandment : “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
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Retirement – What is there to do for entertainment?
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Pace,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Pace, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week:
Sex for 7 Dollars
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house.
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost $7...
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost $7...
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Well, time enough left to wish my American friends a Happy Fourth of July! Also, a happy birthday today to Dianne’s son-in-law, Brent. He’s the father of two of her three grandchildren. He’s also a great chef.
Until the next time – when I have accumulated enough good material to use.
Have a nice weekend wherever you are.
TGI-Jeff
