Greetings at the end of another week of self-isolating in this coronavirus pandemic. I heard a program on NPR today about time and how it is hard for people to process days and weeks during this difficult time. I’ve always been interested in the concept of “time” and recall that I think Kurt Vonnegut was also, as he pointed out that every word in the dictionary between Timbuktu (I’ve been there!) and time had to do with some aspect of time. He invented a fictional science fiction-type character who used to think that mirrors were “leaks into the universe”. I forget his name but remember that when someone used to say in his presence that he needed to go take a leak, he would say that he thought they were going to steal a mirror. I guess that shows my sort of distorted sense of humor. Another example of that weird humor has surfaced recently when I discovered I could search on Spotify for old music and I did a search for Spike Jones. I remember very well back in the 50’s when someone gave my parents one of his albums. It was called “After Dinner Music for People Who Weren’t Very Hungry”. It featured such songs as “Wyatt Earp – he makes me burp” and the “Black and Blue Danube Waltz” (in which war planes were dropping bombs in the river). He also featured guys who used to gargle and burp and lots of weird instruments, like the glockenspiel and a tuba playing “The Flight of the Bumblebee” song. Well, I discovered that not ALL people appreciate Spike Jones like I do. Dianne, for one. So, I only play his weird songs when she is not here!
One of the persons on the radio program today said that since home-schooling was now a weeklong activity, and that there was a need to mark the passing of some periods of time, that her family started celebrating Fridays, to mark the end of the week, by ordering a pizza and so forth. So, we march on with marking and celebrating the end of the week and a chance to congratulate ourselves for passing another milestone. Amen!
So, I say TGIF and let’s enjoy another Friday. We’ll get through this!
Breaking News!
Tonight at 10:00 PM a medical satellite is flying over the US to take everybody’s temperature. Please stand naked outside your door and wave your ID in the air!
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A Tired and Confused Nurse
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that’s just great . . . some asshole’s got my pen."
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Senior Shopping Only (for special hours)
Some stores have established special open hours for seniors only, usually in the early hours of the morning on certain days of the week. Here is an incident from one of those:
There was a long line at 7:45 AM today at COSTCO that opened at 8:00 AM for seniors only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he yelled, "If you old bastards don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there!"
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When Should We Open Up the Country?
Here's what the experts said ..
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but
the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
While the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the
Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty
Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the assholes in Washington.
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Petrol Station Promotion
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.’
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Sound Advice for All You Men Out There
I offer you the following words and definitions to help you cope with this intensive time with your wife, companion, partner, life mate, girlfriend et al. Men: Here are some important words and phrases that you really need to properly and fully understand!
1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word. It's also a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word. It's also a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot.' That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying....Go to Hell...
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot.' That is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying....Go to Hell...
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
AND: “YES DEAR” always works!!!
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These glorious insults are from an era “before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” - Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
“I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” - Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” - Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Who is Jack Schitt?
A little humor to help in our troubled times.
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!’
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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So, on this first day of May (which is the International Labor Day for workers everywhere) we will recognize the importance of all essential workers. We thank you!
I also want to send birthday greetings out to Melissa (for Sunday 5/3), my future daughter-in-law. She and Jonathan had to postpone their 3/21 wedding due to Covid-19 and we look forward to attending whenever it can be arranged later in the year. At least, they didn’t elope or get married in the woods with a couple of witnesses. We WILL celebrate in due course!
So, everyone, stay safe and enjoy the time you have now to spend with the people you love!
I have a special edition of the TGIF to share in a week or two about the origins and history of the TGIF message, followed by a trivia question test. That is because we’re approaching the 25th anniversary of the first TGIF message. Stay tuned.
TGI-Jeff
