Greetings from your TGIF guy on this, the 50th anniversary of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. I was a 13 year-old 7th grader in Ohio and was sitting in study hall in school when the loudspeaker from the principal’s office, used for special “all-school announcements, all of a sudden came alive with the sound of a “staticky” radio broadcast. We quickly heard that it was from Dallas and that JFK had been shot and was being rushed to the hospital. We all were shocked and some were praying and crying and, of course, the news only became worse when it was confirmed that he had died. The world seemed to stop for the next four days as we all sat glued to the TV coverage of everything. I remember seeing Lee Harvey Oswald being shot on live TV on the Saturday morning as he was being transferred from one lock-up to another. Then there was the funeral in DC on Sunday. The many conspiracy theories remain today, 50 years later and they will probably continue to exist as a lot of key evidence was destroyed, for one reason or another.
Saying all this, it will be nice when this week is over as the media coverage has been overwhelming. Meanwhile, here in Vermont this week it has gotten winter cold. The nighttime temperatures fall below freezing and don’t rise much above it during the days. We had a dusting of snow the other night and the ponds are in the process of freezing. It is deer hunting season as well. Each night I seen two or three deer pass over our lawn on their way back up the hill from probably watering downhill in the stream. I see them because I have a motion light in our back yard and when it goes on, I realize there are some critters out there roaming around. Sometimes it is a skunk; sometimes it is a few raccoons; and sometimes it’s a fox. I once saw a moose walk by on an early spring morning.
Before I jump into this week’s material, I just checked the fan mail inbox and found the following:
“Many thanks for the continuing and entertaining TGIF emails. I must take exception, however, to one of the 'truisms' in your last communique. It is NOT true that the toothbrush was invented in 1498. In fact, it was invented in the hills of West Virginia in the late 1800s. Otherwise, it would have been called the TEETHBRUSH!”
TGIF Editor’s Note: I thank you for that correction and wish to remind all of you that you are welcome to submit your complaints and corrections, or complimentary messages. TGIF is an equal opportunity employer!
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AN IRISHMAN ON A DIET
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...
And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
“That's amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded....
“I'll tell you though, by all the saints, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.”
“You mean from the hunger?” asked the doctor.
“No, from all that skipping!”
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SOME APPROPRIATE DEFINITIONS
University : A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
(TGIF Editor’s note: This one reminds me of a true story that happened probably 30 years ago in WFP headquarters. A WFP colleague, and friend of mine, was late for work and snuck quickly into the building and got to the elevator without anyone really noticing. He thought he was home safe as he got into the elevator and pushed the button for the 5th floor. Just then, the WFP Executive Director and his security walked into the elevator. The security guy pushed the button for the 8th floor and my colleague looked sheepishly at the wall of the elevator opposite him. After a few moments of awkward silence, the E.D. looks my friend in the eye and says, “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t!”)
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by the bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise.
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THE JEWISH GRANDMOTHER
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet dwhen all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there... he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "How could you do this? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my
very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Now are you satisfied?"
She responds ...”He had a hat."
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DRAFTING GUYS OVER 60
---New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!---
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military-----They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
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TWO DIFFERENT DOCTOR’S OFFICES
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients? The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!
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THE DEAD HORSE THEORY
The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that: "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
And so it is that horse's asses came to outnumber horses.
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IT’S TIME FOR THE TGIF GOLDEN CLASSICS!
While a few of the above ones were used before, the following two are truly good golden oldies of the TGIF:
THE PASTOR
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
(TGIF Editor’s Note: I wonder if this story reminds my sis-in-law Martha of anything?)
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THE PRIEST’S RETIREMENT FUNCTION
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession..'
Moral : Never, never, never be late.
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I hope it’s not too late to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Until next week, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do – or at least don’t get caught!
Cheers.
TGI-Jeff
