Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of another work week. At this time last week, I was preparing for my trip to Boston to attend the Boston Red Sox Victory parade in the duck boats. Well, it was a beautiful day and with my son Jonathan and a couple hundred thousand other members of Red Sox Nation, we thoroughly enjoyed the celebration. Everyone was in “happy mode” and there were no untoward incidents. In fact, the only negative thing that happened in Boston after the Sox victory in Game Six last Wednesday night was the overturning of one car in Kenmore Square and with modern electronic devices and cameras, it is very likely that they will find the 3 or 4 men who were responsible for this. Just like those same cameras helped identify the Boston Marathon bombers six months ago.
It’s been a quiet week around here since then. I have been putting away the summer things and getting ready for winter. We had our first real frost last week and I’ve pulled up all the dead annual flowers and have been raking the yard for the last time before the first snow falls in a few days. Tomorrow I’ve got to get the snow-blower out of the shed and into the garage and put away my lawn mower for the winter. All the summer chairs on the back deck have been put in the barn, along with the B-B-Q grill. And my bike has gone down to the basement to spend the winter. I was hoping to play golf one or two more times before my clubs join my bike downstairs, but it’s been too cool. Maybe I’ll get one more chance before the snow flies.
Last week should have been my Halloween edition of the TGIF. The only problem was that I had no contributed material. So, I want to thank all of you who contributed Halloween material on the 2 or 3 days AFTER Halloween. I’d also like to add that I have gone through the 50 or so contributions that have been emailed to me over the last 3 weeks and have barely managed to put together this edition – although it has 2 golden oldies – and a few members have contributed nearly half of the ones I’ve got for you today. And of those 50 or so, probably about 40 have been used once or several times before. I’ve been told not to be too harsh on you all. I understand. But you need to also understand what I have to deal with. I think I deserve a salary increase. You can’t say “Don’t Quit Your Day Job!” cuz I already did!
Okay, here’s the best I could do for today:
Children's Sermon
A Catholic priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts for more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
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WOMEN IN LEATHER DRESSES
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he thinks irrationally?
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a N e w T r u c k
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“This year will go down in History. For the first time, a civilized nation has gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient and the world will follow our lead into the future.”
Adolf Hitler -1935
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The timeless wisdom of Phyllis Diller
TGIF Editor’s Note: She was one of my favorite comedians back in the 1960s and 70s.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
I admit that I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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One night, after a middle-aged couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
“Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, “I found the remote.”
* * * * *
TGIF Editor’s Note: I think I may have used that one recently, but I still laughed when I read it again and figure that most of you had forgotten it by now.
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On a train from London to Manchester an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your “stiff upper lip” puts you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
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EU Directive No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the Single European currency, all citizens of the
United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 ....
From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be:
'Euro-nating'.
Thank you for your attention!
* * * * *
Irish Fire Insurance
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork from London.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure because it cost him £2000.00 in England!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'
I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.
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I’ve got a couple ones today that definitely qualify for the TGIF Golden Oldies . . .
TGIF GOLDEN CLASSICs
1) MT. VERNON, TEXAS WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's bullshit."
* * * * *
2) IRISH GHOST STORY
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying.... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....
Look Paddy.... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'
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Time to close and wish you all a wonderful weekend!
If I don’t get enough good material between now and next week, it may be a few weeks until you hear from me.
All the best!
TGI-Jeff
