Greetings at the end of another week. Time flies when you’re having fun! I am drafting this on Thursday night, as usual, and today was the Muslim holiday of Ashura. So, for those who celebrated this, I wish you well and hope you had a nice day with family and friends. And this past week also had the day, 11-12-13, although only we here in the USA use month first in the numerical dating. The next one like that will be next December when we will have 12-13-14. Are those auspicious dates? Maybe so.
We had a cold spell here this week. Sunny, but windy and cold, with temps in the 20s (F). Now, if that was in the 20s Celsius – that would be perfect! It’s going to warm up to “seasonal” temps in the next days and we may get some rain at the end of the weekend. Some of the larger local ski areas that have snow making equipment have already opened part of their total area. So, I may have to get out on the slopes, even though it seems early for me. And, am I in shape for skiing? I learned last year that the only thing that gets you in shape for skiing is skiing. The legs and muscles therein ache like heck the next day – but after 3 or 4 days of skiing, they’re good to go!
What a tragedy in the Philippines and especially in Samar, Leyte and Cebu provinces. I visited those areas back in the late 80s when I lived and worked there, based in Manila. Reminds me a bit of the tsunami we experienced while in Sri Lanka at the end of 2004. Hope the relief operations can get moving a bit faster than media reports have implied.
Looking for some good news, let’s go to India, where the MasterBlaster Sachin Tendulkar is currently playing in his last test cricket match. In a country and region where cricket is the national religion, Sachin is almost God. I was fortunate to have seen him play in Colombo, with Pam, when we were there. Although he is 40 and nearing the end of a more than 20-year professional career, he is still expected to hammer out a century in his last test match. Incredible! He’s a great sportsman and I hope he does it and then retires happily.
Meanwhile, and back to the real world here in the USA, all the political talk has been about the Affordable Care Act (known commonly as Obamacare) and how people are having great difficulties trying to sign up on line to one of the health insurance plans. I hope the administration gets it sorted out soon. In the meantime, it seems the Republicans are pushing through congress another similar act.
Affordable Boat Act
The government has just passed a new law called: "The affordable boat act" declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $24,000-$124,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, insurance, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.
This law has been passed, because until now, typically only financially responsible and working people have been able to purchase boats. This new laws ensures that every American can now have an "affordable" boat of their own, because everyone is "entitled" to a boat.
In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, working taxpayers will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents’ boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.
If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can't). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one, you will be fined until you purchase one or face imprisonment. For those that cannot afford one, they will get a free boat with a monthly check for all ownership costs listed above at taxpayer expense.
Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert, inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.
A government review board will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories, or a newer and more expensive boat. (Cash for Clunkers guidelines will be used).
Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, special interest and major donors are also exempt.
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Six Basic Rules For Good Health
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!
SO .... REMEMBER .........
6. FISHING is good for your health and soul .....
And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!
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GOLFING DAYS ARE OVER
TGIF Editor’s Note: I think they are for this year. I’ve kept my clubs in the garage near the car for the last month, thinking that I was going to get out one more time before the winter. Alas, it hasn’t happened. At least I still have my two good arms and legs for next year’s golfing!
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the Hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon stopped to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good News?"
"The good news is, I have a donated one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again.."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes In watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.
"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”
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And speaking of signing up on line for Obamacare, here is an amended one that I used not long ago, but that someone has applied/linked to the online sing-up mess.
Signing in on line to the Obamacare website......................
Choosing a Username at HealthCare.org
"You must enter a password to proceed."
roses
"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1fuckingprettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FUCKINGprettyrose
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FuckingPrettyRose
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation marks."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow
"Sorry, that password is already taken."
* * * * *
LOVE IS IN BROOM
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and, after a while, they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE!' said the groom broom.
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
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QUIZ TIME!
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
(Answers are below)
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years..
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.
7. 40-people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7-times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'
20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
Now, scroll down for the answers...
They are all TRUE!
Now go back and think about 16
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week.
ESTATE PLANNING
Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
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Now we’ve come to the end of this issue. I don’t want any complaining about the contents since I have used only the contributions that I have received during this last week and I have used all the ones that I could and that haven’t been used all that recently. In other words, I received about 10 contributions since last Friday. You all have to do a better job if you expect one of these every Friday!
Time to wish you a friendly Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
