Greetings from your TGIF Editor-in-chief, on this All Hallows Eve in Vermont. As tomorrow (Friday) is All Saints Day, some offices may be closed, but you can always enjoy this issue whenever it arrives in your inbox. The cute little kids all dressed up in their costumes have already started coming by our house for some Halloween treats. Each year there seem to be more and more “trick-or-treaters” in our neighborhood. I think some clever parents have realized that they can “truck” them into this ‘hood that has about 40 houses all in close proximity and with very little vehicular traffic. So, our budget for Halloween candy has been increasing every year since our return here.
Representing WFP, I took part in an all-day symposium at the Vermont Law School last Friday, the 25th, where they focus on “environmental law”. The theme of their Fall Symposium this year was “Rising Temps and Emerging Threats: The Intersection of Climate Change and National Security in the 21st Century”. Very interesting panels (4 in all) on the science; the military’s role; population displacement (due to climate change); and food security and how all changes due to the climate change may impact national (and international) security. What a mess we are all passing on to our children and grandchildren. It’s amazing, frustrating and disheartening that so many people are in such denial about this.
Let me see, what else happened this week? Oh yeah, thanks for the reminder, Fred. The Boston Red Sox are Major League Baseball champions for 2013. I am a bit uncomfortable in saying “world champions” because I used to get a hard time from my international friends about the fact that Americans call it the World Series, when it is only U.S. and Canadian teams who play in MLB, whereas they play baseball in Japan, Taiwan, South Korea, many countries in Latin America and other countries. On Wednesday night, Boston beat St. Louis in Game 6 of the “best of 7 game” series (“world” – oops). It was “our” 3rd championship this century, but the first one while I’ve been in New England (it is all of New England’s team – not just Boston’s). In 2004, I was attending a UN meeting in Bangkok when they won for the first time since 1918!!! Then, in 2007, while I was living in Niger, I happened to be in Brussels, attending a meeting about Niger. I went to a Sports Bar in Luxembourg Plaza that was run by an American guy, which was called Fat Boys. It turned out that the American guy was from Texas but was a huge Red Sox fan and had a Sox tattoo on his arm. The time difference meant we watched the game from 2 to 6 a.m. There were about 6 of us diehard Bosox fans who enjoyed the game, watching Jonathan Papelbon strike out the last Colorado Rockie. We then enjoyed some champagne and I walked back to my hotel at 6.30 am in the rain and was completely oblivious to the fact I was soaked when I got there. (There was an Air France strike on which prevented me from leaving Brussels until the next day so I had a nice sleep-in.) And speaking of Fred, that is 3 rings for the Red Sox this century. How many do your Yankees have this century?
So, I’m driving down to Boston to attend the Red Sox Victory Duck Boat Parade on Saturday!
And now, on to another current sports franchise topic. The name of the Washington DC national football league team (the Redskins) has come under a lot of discussion lately – with many believing that it is time for the team to abandon and replace this inappropriate and racist name for its team.
The Washington Redskins are changing their name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, hatred, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, violence, counter-productivity, ill-spirit, un-Godliness, and hostility associated with their name. From now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.
Get it?
* * * * *
Why We Need A Minimum IQ Requirement for the Senate
In a bid to stem taxpayer losses for bad loans guaranteed by federal
housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn.)
proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to
qualify for a loan.
housing agencies Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn.)
proposed that borrowers be required to make a 5% down payment in order to
qualify for a loan.
His proposal was rejected 57-42 on a straight party-line vote because, as Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) explained, "Passage of such a requirement
would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it."
would restrict home ownership to only those who can afford it."
I can't really add anything to this, I just can't....!
* * * * *
A lot of advice is offered out there as to how we should not sweat the small stuff and focus on the more important things. But, we shouldn’t take this too far.
"If we concentrated on the really important stuff in life, there would be a shortage of fishing poles."
And a fishing pole might be very good therapy for some of us.
* * * * *
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.
“Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how to do it.”
* * * * *
Mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.
“I’d like a little brother,” the boy said.
“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”
“Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”
* * * * *
While crossing the U.S.-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by an agent who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?” asked the border agent.
“Sand,” said the cyclist.
“Get them off – we’ll take a look,” said the agent.
The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags and, proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the border agent happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
“Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, he said. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what was it you were smuggling?”
“Bicycles!”
* * * * *
IMPORTANT CONSIDERATIONS
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?
Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
(I always wondered about that?!)
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crud, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Now, why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
* * * * *
Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
* * * * *
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard..
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man, since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But, during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man, since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But, during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do, then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost!!"
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost!!"
* * * * *
It IS Halloween and this is the only one I have to share, and as it is an oldie, it’ll be this week’s TGIF Golden Classic:
Police work must have a modicum of entertainment as well as being dangerous.
Recently in Victoria, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22-year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.
LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR. 'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'
Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE... "I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
"LAWRENCE froze, and was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?"
The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.
The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line" ever...
* * * * *
Here is another Halloween oldie:
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when
:
10. You keep knocking on your own front door.
9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.
8. You ask for soft high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, and you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,'
And you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...'And you can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
* * * * *
So, I hope you have all enjoyed Halloween, without any intimate relationships with pumpkins, and can look forward to a nice weekend. It seems that winter is fast approaching, here. I haven’t even finished raking all the leaves up or putting away my outside summer stuff. It all goes too fast! Snow is now flying in the mountains and a few ski areas are opening. We’ll be on the slopes pretty soon. But, for now, we will celebrate and rest in the glow of another Red Sox world series win (There! I said it! I challenge any team from any country to beat our Red Sox!!!)
Have a great Friday (All Saints Day) and a wonderful weekend. I’ll give my report on the Red Sox Parade next week! C U then!
TGI-Jeff
