Greetings from the Friday guy at this, the end of the first week of December. Last week was our Thanksgiving, (and the reason you got no TGIF message) which was thoroughly enjoyed with family. That Thursday was followed by Black Friday (and Saturday) and then Cyber Monday. Which was then followed on Wednesday by our little guy’s 25th birthday! We can’t believe that the baby of our family is that old! He said that a quarter of his life is over! Optimistic, but you never know. His grandpa (my Dad) will be 97 in 2 weeks.
The big breaking news now is the passing of a truly great man – Nelson Mandela. What a life he led and what a legacy!
Having not done a message in two weeks has permitted the accumulation of some material from you all. Thanks to all you frequent contributors and to 'double-V', from whom I’ve stolen some stuff for this issue. I guess there is nothing wrong with us “feeding” each other!
In the New England sports world, the big news this week was the departure of the Red Sox centerfielder, Jacoby Ellsbury, to the greener (as in 153 million greenbacks over 7 years) pastures of Yankee Stadium in New York. Those Damn Yankees have done it again. So, the Red Sox/Yankee feud continues.
Yankees versus Red Sox
A family of New York Yankee fans headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother." Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!" Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."
* * * * *
The Skunk Twins
A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.
One day In was out, so she asked Out: "Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."
"What?" said Out.
"In's out, so Out go out and find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."
So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"
Out says........."In stinkt."
* * * * *
The Mother-in-law
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable - the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation …...... she never got your E-mail!"
* * * * *
The Two Red Necks
Two Red Necks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Red Neck says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The second Red Neck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
* * * * *
Dr. Epstein
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his hometown, and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his hometown. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he broke wind stentorously.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberating down the hall! He was appallingly embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen
in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but a very embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, but one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before, or after the Epstein Fart?"
* * * * *
Crocodile Shoes
A blonde was on holiday, driving through the Northern Territory.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 5 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 8 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching with big eyes in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........
" SH*T, SH*T, SH*T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
* * * * *
A Really Good Trick
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'
* * * * *
And here is a bonus golden oldie, but with a slightly different ending:
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
* * * * * * * *
No offense intended for citizens of any of those countries or regions!
Time to bid adieu until at least next week. I am looking forward to attending the N.E. Patriot’s game on Sunday in Foxboro. Hope it’s not too cold! Go Pats!
Have great weekends to one and all!
TGI-Jeff
