Thank God It's Friday!!!
Greetings from your Friday guy. Sorry that I missed putting out an issue last week! But then again, most of you are on vacation and it’s just one more unopened email to deal with when you get back. So, I consider that I was doing you a service! Anyway, I had a good excuse why I was not able to edit an addition last week: I was finalizing preparations with my local country club to celebrate our 60th anniversary (established 1953) on Thursday, August 22nd. I have been researching and compiling the history of Springfield’s Crown Point Country Club and I managed to create a display of a number of old black and white photos, along with narratives on the history of the founding of the club back in the 1950s. I was friends in the 1960s with a lot of the sons and daughters of the founding families and since no one previously has attempted to write the club’s history, … well, I appointed myself as CPCC historian.
Others spent a lot of time organizing the events of the day, including getting sponsorships for all the holes and potential large cash and vehicle prizes for some holes in ones, and a cannon and bagpipers. The Vermont Lt. Governor was there and helped raise the flag. It was a smashing success with over 100 players in the golf scramble. A very good time was had by all who attended. Now, that that main event is over, I’ll have time to resume my writing of the history.
But I think I’ll take a few more days off as we approach our USA Labor Day weekend and we get to entertain our daughter Joya and her “beau”, Chris. They are up here from DC to attend their friend Courtney’s wedding in nearby Ludlow, VT. I look forward to making for Chris and Joya some of my blueberry pancakes, with fresh blueberries from our back yard bushes. And toppiing them with really good REAL Vermont maple syrup.
Time to dive into the joke contribution bag and see what is funny and fit to print. (I do appreciate receiving email contributions from my male buddies with all the breasts, but really, you don’t expect those to get past the TGIF censor, do you???)
A NEW BLONDE JOKE – seriously
The Longest Password Ever!
We may laugh - - - but her I.D. is safe and secure!!!
During a recent audit visit to an office, it was discovered that one of the blonde secretaries had the following password for her computer:
MickeyMinnieDonaldHueyLouieDeweyGoofyPlutoSacremento
When the blonde was asked why such a long password, she replied:
“Hello? I was told that it must have 8 characters and include one capital”!!!
Makes sense to me!
* * * * *
Pencil Riddle
There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.
* * * * *
MY LITTLE SATNAV
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.
* * * * *
TODAY’S LIMERIC
There once was a pervert named Weiner,
who had a perverted demeanor.
Forced from the Hill for acting like Bill,
now Congress is one weiner leaner.
Moral: "If you tweet your meat, you lose your seat."
* * * * *
PRESIDENT OBAMA’S OFFICIAL VISIT TO LONDON
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.
They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Obama: "Mr President, please, accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Moral of the story: "Silence is Golden."
* * * * *
Have you “herd” this one before?
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU!
* * * * *
The CONCERNED MOTHER and her daughter
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!!!!"
* * * * *
OKAY, IT’S TIME FOR THIS WEEK’S TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC:
The LONE RANGER and TONTO
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had to sleep in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see?
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than Obama voter. It means someone stole the f_____' tent."
* * * * *
It is that time of year when you can spend it outside during the evenings and see millions of stars in the night sky. Look for the summer triangle and Scorpio and other constellations!
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend, especially to my Stateside friends who will be having a 3 or 4 day weekend! (Joya – hope your boss doesn’t read this!) J
Until the next time, we’ll “see you in September – when the summer’s through”!
Cheers.
TGI-Jeff
