Greetings from Mr. TGIF on this Friday, end of the work week. It is also in the middle of “Eid il Fitr” – the Muslim holiday that lasts for 3 days at the end of the 9th month of the Muslim year, which is Ramadan – the fasting month! “Eid Mubarak!” to all my Muslim friends!
The weather has been pretty good here. Unseasonably cool recently, when Pam and I have shut our windows early in the evenings to keep the cold air from coming in during the night. Normally in the peak of summer, all windows are open (screened, of course) all night so as to allow the maximum of cool air to enter so that by the following morning it starts off mildly cool before the days heat raises the indoor temperature. We’ve had a fairly wet spring and early summer and it has been drying out a bit of late, although we did get some rain today. Can’t complain!
I’ve been busy working on my project of researching the history of my local golf club, which is celebrating it’s 60th year this summer. In 2 weeks, we’ll have a special day for that and I am putting together lots of old photos from the 1950s and 1960s of the early members and what the place looked like back then and how it has evolved. I’ll have an exhibition of about 40 photos and accompanying narratives to go with them. That is, if I finish it in time. I was going to focus on that tonight, instead of drafting a TGIF, so you’d better be thankful that I digressed and put together this issue!
You can express your gratefulness by sending me some good jokes. Anyway, it’s done – Enjoy!
Here’s this week’s Late Night TV comedians take on the latest news items:
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
U.S. embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 al-Qaida operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave?
We had President Obama on the show last night. It was a huge honor, but all the security made it difficult getting into the building. Security was checking IDs, the Secret Service was searching cars, Donald Trump was out front checking birth certificates — it was crazy.
The Republican National Committee now says if NBC and CNN don't pull plans for a Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won't hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me. Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn’t have to watch any of that crap.
This story just gets crazier: Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13 — or as Filner calls it, a groper's dozen.
Conan
Brigham Young University has been named the top sober school in America for the 16th year in a row. The students celebrated by having the worst party ever.
President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn't like Putin's demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback.
Michelle Obama's new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She hopes it goes better than the previous initiative — fighting marijuana use through reggae.
The NFL announced that referees are going to crack down this year on excessive celebrations. NFL players are being told not to show off too much after a touchdown, a sack, or a murder.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
I'm not one of those ex-smokers who says, "I'll never smoke again." I would start smoking again in a heartbeat. The only thing stopping me is the painful early death.
I fancy smoking a pipe. Actually, I would like to just fill my pipe and then put on a robe and go around solving crimes.
The big trend these days is electronic cigarettes. They are not as bad for you. I suppose they're safer than regular cigarettes, but a lot of things are safer than cigarettes. That's like saying your movie made more money than "The Lone Ranger" or like saying you fathered fewer children than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The University of Iowa has been named the No. 1 party school in America for 2013. So congratulations and shame on them.
One thing nice about Iowa: It is flat. So when you pass out you won't fall off any cliffs or anything.
An Iowa spokesman said the percentage of kids drinking five or more drinks in a day dropped from 73 percent in 2009 to only 58 percent last year. I like that they say "only 58 percent." That is when you know you have a party school on your hands.
I don't know why the Iowa school would deny something like that. If I was in charge, not only would I not deny it, I would mention it in all the advertising.
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
During a fundraiser last night, Mitt Romney told Republicans that they need to pick a candidate for 2016 who can actually win. And Republicans said, "Yeah, I wish you told us that last year. But hey, thanks a lot."
Last week, a woman in Nevada gave birth to a healthy baby boy in the bathroom of a Subway restaurant. Afterwards, the manager said, "Uh, you still have to buy something. Restrooms are for customers only."
A study found that if given a choice, most Americans would not want to live to the age of 120. People don't want to live to 120 except for one group — people who are at 119.
* * * * *
Senior
Bus Tour
Bus Tour
A tour bus driver is driving
with a bus load of seniors
down a highway when he
is tapped on his shoulder
by a little old lady.
with a bus load of seniors
down a highway when he
is tapped on his shoulder
by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he
gratefully munches up.
of peanuts, which he
gratefully munches up.
After about 45 minutes, she
taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another
handful of peanuts.
taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another
handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture
two more times.
two more times.
When she is about to hand
him another batch again…
he asks the little old lady,
‘Why don’t you eat the
peanuts yourself?’
him another batch again…
he asks the little old lady,
‘Why don’t you eat the
peanuts yourself?’
‘We can’t chew them
because we have no teeth’,
she replied.
because we have no teeth’,
she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
‘Why do you buy them then?’
‘Why do you buy them then?’
The old lady replied,
‘We just love the chocolate
around them.’
‘We just love the chocolate
around them.’
It pays to be careful
around old people!!!!
around old people!!!!
* * * * *
Good Ole Viagra!
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad. They are very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa. "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00 "
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!”
* * * * *
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
* * * * *
The Receptionist
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others as to what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I like the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes, sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became visibly irritated and said, 'Oh, my! You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear, or something like that, and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor…in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly, smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors? You're going to lose.
* * * * *
No Jews
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.".
"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: "No Jews please."
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.".
"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: "No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
my best and most prized officers."
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
my best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design."
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate."
graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."
ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
* * * * *
I continue to receive a lot of joke contributions (TGIF dues) from you all that I’ve used before and my TGIF Golden Classic file is quite full. So, today I will use two of them in order to try and reduce that backlog and fill out this TGIF edition.
TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC(s)
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a good-looking woman who was determined to keep the ranch but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch began doing very well.
One day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You’ve done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
1:00 am came, however,… and he didn't return.
2:00 am came,… and no hired hand yet.
Finally, at 3:00 am he returned. Upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
* * * * *
FOUR HUSBANDS
A local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just been married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40's, then a preacher when she was in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
* * * * *
So, I guess it’s time to go! “FORE!”
Just time enough left to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
As an “outlaw” of the Taft family (worse than an “in-law) I do however look forward to the biannual Taft family reunion which is this weekend here in Vermont (Wallingford and North Shrewsbury) at Pam’s cousins’ places. Looking forward to seeing Tafts from Virginia, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Massachusetts, DC, New Jersey, Vermont and any other state that I’ve omitted. Texas? Maybe.
Time to go watch my first place Red Sox play tonight in KC!
TGI-Jeff
