Greetings from your favorite Friday friend! Or, I probably should say “your favorite every-other Friday guy”! It seems that due to all my other interests and activities I have only issued a TGIF every two weeks during this past summer. Maybe I should be known as the “Fortnight Friday” guy! Furthermore, today is not just any Friday! It is Friday the 13th. The more suspicious among us think it’s a day of possible bad luck.
Fall is in the air, but you couldn’t tell that by the weather we had in New England on Wednesday of this week. It was over 90 degrees and very humid! It makes going for long bike rides and playing 2 sets of tennis a bit more challenging – although that is JUST what I did on Wednesday. I think it was just summer’s last hurrah! And many of us are not saying “hooray” for this change of seasons. I’ve shared with you often before about the various seasons we have in Vermont. I heard 2 new ones this summer in response to the question as to how many seasons we have here. Answer #1: Three: almost winter; winter and road construction. Answer #2: Two. The first is 11 months of winter and the second is one month of very poor skiing.
For some, fall is their favorite season here. I can see why. Literally. I hope the colors are better this year than they were last fall! We have to please all the visiting “leaf peepers” so that they spend time here and lots of their money, too!
We had a very successful 60th anniversary celebration at our golf club on the 22nd of August. Many of my high school friends’ parents founded the club in 1953. No one has written about its history and so I have undertaken that task. For the 60th celebration, I managed to write some historical narratives that accompanied about 36 black and white photos (from the 1950s and early 1960s) and other documents and put them up as an exhibit on the club’s walls. Unfortunately, the man who was my motivation for writing the Crown Point CC history (“Uncle Leland”) passed away near the end of August. May he rest in peace! He was an inspiration to many - family, friends and the whole community of Springfield.
So, with Syria dominating the news of the last few weeks, it was only a matter of time before I received an input on that dilemma.
Warning of the week!:
Assad,......... give up your chemical weapons or face an unbelievably small military action!
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TGIF Editor’s Note: It has been some time since I have issued a TGIF with a theme. Well, based upon the accumulated inputs that I skimmed over today, looking for material, it became obvious that the theme of this issue is “Husbands” (including “Grandpas”). Hope you enjoy it!
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What is a vicious circle???
The boss calls his secretary & says: "Get ready for the weekend. We are going on a business trip." The secretary calls her husband & says: "Me & my boss are going on a business trip for two days, so take care of yourself"
The husband calls his girl friend & says: "My wife is going on a business trip, come home we can have fun" The girl friend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition (tutoring): "No tuition this weekend."
The boy calls his grandfather: "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."
Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary & says: "Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend the weekend with my grandson". The secretary calls her husband: "I won't be going". The husband calls his girl friend: "I am sorry but my wife is not going". The girlfriend calls the boy: "You have tuition"
The boy calls his grandpa & says: "Sorry grandpa I've classes" . .
The grandpa calls his secretary .....
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Have you heard the one about “Take My Husband”? “Please! Take him!”
Husbands
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The husband says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
* * *
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my husband; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........
......then He made the earth round.
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And a related one:
A woman asks her husband: "How many women have you slept with?"
The husband proudly replies:
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I managed to stay awake."
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I managed to stay awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM
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Water problem
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool."
* * *
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
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INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3to fix these problems, but to no avail..
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
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DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Sleeping and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7...
Good Luck!
Tech Support
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For Grandparents and Future Grandparents
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other 20 aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little shit's name is Kevin."
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TGIF Editor’s Note: I bet you just went back and re-read that one from the top, didn’t you?
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My Loving Husband, Please Help Me!
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed
for the car park.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car."
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TGIF Oldie!
The following one I’ve received a few times over the last few months and I may have used it already. But it fits nicely with today’s theme. So, it will serve as this week’s Golden Classic!
The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and! a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99!
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing - - - at the right time: … PRICELESS!!!
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Time to wrap this one up, as Pam and I have to wrap up a wedding gift for her cousin Dayle’s daughter Megan, who is marrying Joshua today. Yes, on Friday the 13th! I hope that brings them good luck!
It was fun surprising and celebrating tennis friend “Evil Ed’s” birthday on Thursday evening.
Keep the potential TGIF jokes coming my way and I’ll see if I can once again become your “every Friday” guy!
Until the next time, have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
