Greetings to all you TGIF faithful on this last day of the work week! I’m so busy getting ready for the 60th anniversary of our local golf club that I haven’t been doing much else but finalizing the work I’ve been doing on working on the history of the club and putting together a photo exhibit for the August 22nd anniversary celebration next Thursday.
But we took some time out to host a couple of old WFP friends who visited us during the last few days. Joan (pronounced Yohanne) Fleuren (male) was one of my real good friends and colleagues in WFP for over 25 years and he has also just recently retired. He and his wife Bep (both Dutch) are visiting their son and other friends in the USA over these few short weeks and we were very happy to host them here in our beautiful Vermont over the last 36 hours.
Okay. It’s time to jump into the joke bag and see what we’ve got for today!
* * *
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"
You just gotta love a man who tells the truth.
* * * * *
Dick decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Dick gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't!“
* * * * *
High School Biology Test
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
* * * * *
280,000 Mortgage.
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, " Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
* * * * *
Crow Mystery Solved
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird
Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine ifthere was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." Absolutely amazing!
* * * * *
Two Patients
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same symptoms – both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is an old age pensioner.
Next time I have a medical problem, take me to a Vet!
* * * * *
How to do BBQ!
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organizes the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
* * * * *
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and askedfor $20.00 for their first lovemakingencounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
* * * * *
"WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!"
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
* * * * *
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes
that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks
and grunts, "Rock."
points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks
and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic and here it is:
Employee Notice For Old People .. EMPLOYEE NOTICE
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
* * * * * * * * * *
Do I need to say any more?
Except that after all that Government intervention, I’d just like to wish you all a wonderful weekend!
Until next Friday, have a good one!
TGI-Jeff
