Greetings from your Friday guy. It’s summer and most of you are taking your summer holidays during the June to August period and so, I have no qualms about issuing only an occasional TGIF edition during this period. It’s just too hard to stay indoors and compose them when there is so much to do outdoors during these summer months. That also allows me to accumulate a number of potential jokes to use that are not all Golden Oldies.
Since the last issue on 12 July I have been busy. Doing what I’m not sure – but definitely I was busy. Oh yeah, the biking – the tennis – the golf – the gardening – and the writing of the history of the local golf course, which is celebrating its 60th anniversary in 3 weeks on the 22nd. So, you may not be hearing from me again until the last week of August. But don’t let that prevent the few of you who actually pay your dues by contributing some material from doing just that!
Let’s see what good stuff may have come in over the last 3 weeks!
SEX on the SABBATH?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he is not sure if sex is WORK or PLAY.
So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is WORK and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks, "What does a Priest know about sex? So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man, and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is WORK, and therefore not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with this reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of a thousand years of tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to see a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely PLAY.
Shocked, the man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure it is PLAY when so many others tell me sex is WORK?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were WORK, my Wife would have the Maid do it.
* * * * *
I hope my Mainiac friend Jeff allows me to use this one. It’s all old one that I seem to think of Sheriff Farber and Enoch Turner. But this one is a blonde and a little different.
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two
chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'
Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.
* * * * *
How to Get Home!
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
* * * * *
Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet growled wearily, "Just hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.
* * * * *
Top Ten Country Western Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day!
* * * *
Ah, Sweet Love
The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
(Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?)
* * * * *
SOME GOOD QUOTES
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
Remember, after the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian Proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but, I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I mean, I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
* * * * *
A Mensa Question
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
And on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
See answer below
. . . . .
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
* * * * *
TIME FOR THE TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC:
Invest Carefully
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased£1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received a £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?!
* * * * *
I guess it’s time to wish you all a wonderful weekend and a nice August. Hope to talk to you again in September “when the summer is done”!
TGI-Jeff
