Greetings from your TGIF guy in Vermont. January – the weirdest one I can remember temperature-wise – has just ended. Last week at this time I was complaining about how cold it was and how I wanted it to get warm so that we could once again go outside. Well, it did, a bit, and I went skiing this past Monday with my friends Roger and Frank. It was great skiing and not too cold. On Tuesday there were warmer temps, and then it turned cold and the driving on Tuesday night was treacherous with “black ice” on the roads, and cars sliding off of them into the ditches. Then on Wednesday some other front came in and it was a lot warmer and very foggy and raining. Then on Thursday the temperature went up into the 50s with some rain and lots of melting of the snow cover. A lot of the snow has melted and there are heavy winds. What a mess! I guess we should really be careful what we wish for! I didn’t want ALL of the snow to disappear! As I compose this message, all that melting snow running downhill is now starting to freeze as the temperatures drop below the freezing mark.
If any of you are still not convinced that “climate change” is for real, then there is something wrong with you! It is the extremes that are now the norm. We had two January “thaws” surrounding a very cold/frigid period of 10 days. Who knows what comes next?
I saw a funny cartoon in the newspaper last week, written by Jeff Danziger. It shows an elderly Vermont couple out on their front porch in the frigid weather. The old husband is in front of their outdoor thermometer on the front porch and has his gloved hand tapping on it. The wife, on the porch with him, dressed in a winter coat, says to him (about her neighbor) “She says it’s 16 below over at her place. Tap it harder!” The title of this one is “The Great Vermont Winter Sport – Competitive Cold Reporting”.
This last week has seen the French military take back Gao, Timbuktu and Kidal in Mali, a country where I lived in for 5 years in the 1970s. It was so strange to hear Malian women speaking Bambara on BBC and NPR, coming into my house here, this past week. No translation required. Hope that the African forces can rout out the AQIM group that has caused all this turmoil and who have retreated into the desert.
* * * * *
On the home front here in the USA, there starts to be some bipartisan support for immigration reform. The Republicans are finally coming around to realizing that they cannot be the party that is against all forms of immigration.
THE IMMIGRANT INVASION
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.
The Captain gets on the loudspeaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's".
The Captain gets on the loudspeaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's".
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loudspeaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there".
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loudspeaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there".
* * * * *
You Wanna De-bait This?
I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth.
"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in its mouth.
Life is good in the south!!
* * * * *
Simple Home Remedies
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. (Phil: Please note this!)
2. Men: AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. (Phil: Please note this!)
2. Men: AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
* * * * *
SENIOR ISSUES
It's The Door!
Some youngsters might need to read this twice to see the humor!
Thought you'd like to know!
Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
It's not aging, it's the door! Thank goodness for studies like this!
* * * * *
TEXTING CODES FOR SENIORS
(Editor’s Note: I’ve probably used this one not all that long ago, but, well ….. you know.)
Young people have theirs,
Now Seniors have their own texting codes:
* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
Now Seniors have their own texting codes:
* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
* * * * *
Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt!
* * * * *
The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co -pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There are a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ..no mattah ...all same.”
* * * * *
“RETARDED” GRANDPARENTS .......
Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but it’s strapped to the ground.
They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now: they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
Written by a third grader, on what his grandparents do.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box that has wheels, but it’s strapped to the ground.
They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now: they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all just jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
* * * * *
Things that end in "TOR"
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with "tor" that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with "tor" that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher is a bit reluctant to call on him. But she does.
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my mother has one and she says it eats freaking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my mother has one and she says it eats freaking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
* * * * *
A young man graduated from the University of Alabama with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Alabama, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it: then took it home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yep! One time my neighbor's daughter, a real good lookin' gal, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said, "I can't print that either." He decided to try a new line of questioning. "Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After a few seconds, he looked up timidly and said, "I got lost once... "
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it: then took it home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yep! One time my neighbor's daughter, a real good lookin' gal, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said, "I can't print that either." He decided to try a new line of questioning. "Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After a few seconds, he looked up timidly and said, "I got lost once... "
* * * * *
Okay. It’s time for this week’s TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC
On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what was going to happen.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only one teaspoon, and then say '1-2-3'. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded. "But when she does,the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took one teaspoon of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why you should never end your sentences with a preposition ... because you could end up with a dangling participle.
* * * * *
And who would want that? One - it seemed so nice that it was as easy at 1-2-3. 2 bad! And three’s a crowd!
Just time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! A few of us over here will be watching the NFL Championship Game on Sunday evening – known as the Super Bowl. Or, this year known as the “Harbowl” - as the two teams’ head coaches are Jim and John Harbaugh. May the best brother win!
See you all next week, hopefully!
TGI-Jeff
