Greetings on this last day of the work week (for most of you working stiffs!) and while I am drafting this in Vermont, once you read it, you might think I was doing it from Wisconsin or Minnesota. As Garrison Keilor is wont to say “It’s been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon!” It’s been a quiet week here, too, and a cold one at that. The only warmth has come from the sun, (as it melts the snow off our southwest facing roof - although the temperature is at or just below freezing), and my wood pellet stove which has been working overtime in recent weeks.
I wish to acknowledge the efforts of those who attempt to send me new material. I really do appreciate your efforts. I know that if I choose to not use what you send, you will realize that that is because I have already used it, and not because I feel the joke is not worthy of gracing the pages of the TGIF. (Yeah, sure!) Or, I may choose not to use it because it does not meet the ethical and cultural standards established long ago by the TGIF editor-in-chief. Of course, that was with the assistance of his mother who used to read every word and had become his own “internal” censor. And many of you have noticed that a lot of the material I now use would not have met those previously high standards. This is regrettably true. However, while I am obliged to use some material that I might not have years ago, there is less and less of the “snowy-white” pure stuff to use anymore. So, either you need to share with me some good stuff that is not too vulgar, or, if you wish to receive a weekly TGIF message, you may see in it some stuff that is more vulgar.
So, time to head out to the northern mid-west, where it tends to also be pretty cold this time of year.
Ole was from ’’Visconson’’ but he was in New York City and wanted a loan. So he walked into a bank and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was taking Lena to Paris for their honeymoon and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ole produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. An employee of the bank then parked the Ferrari in the bank's private underground garage. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the backwoods-sounding good ole boy from WI for using his $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer told Ole, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Wisconsin, a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is this: why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
* * * * *
Ole and Sven
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two buddies, Ole and Sven.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Ole arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Ole said, 'Vell, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Ole said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Sven in to confirm the identity of the body. Sven looked at the body and said,
'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.
'The mortician rolled him over and Sven said, 'No, it ain't Stanley.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sven said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two assholes.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two buddies, Ole and Sven.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Ole arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Ole said, 'Vell, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Ole said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Sven in to confirm the identity of the body. Sven looked at the body and said,
'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.
'The mortician rolled him over and Sven said, 'No, it ain't Stanley.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sven said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two assholes.
* * * * *
Ole, Lars and Sven
Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly draw. That is until the last meeting.
Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.
Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, a night’s stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.
Lars was the last one to have his name drawn; he won a toilet brush.
At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how each other had fared for the past month.
Sven said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for dem dere tree days."
Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Dulut was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters."
Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."
Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."
* * * * *
Survivor - Texas Style
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas-Style!"
The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:
1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. " George Strait Sucks"
7. "Re-elect Obama in 2016"
8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
10. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
11. "Barney Frank Is My Hero"
12. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
13. "It's Bush's Fault"
14. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion
and the last sticker is…;
15. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins!
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas-Style!"
The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:
1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. " George Strait Sucks"
7. "Re-elect Obama in 2016"
8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
10. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
11. "Barney Frank Is My Hero"
12. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
13. "It's Bush's Fault"
14. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion
and the last sticker is…;
15. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins!
* * * * *
A Simple Truth
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
* * *
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!
* * * * *
AND THEY ALSO SAID
"I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire." - Howard Hughes
"After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box." - Italian proverb
"Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for years." – Mae West
"The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats." - Jean Kerr
"I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!" - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't." - Jeff Foxworthy
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." - Prince Philip
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing." - Emo Philips.
"Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself." - Harrison Ford
"The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree." - Spike Milligan
"Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke." - Robin Hall
"Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror." - Jean Rostand.
"Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm no happier than when I had 48 million." - Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea." - W.H. Auden
"In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked." - Jonathan Katz
"If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson
"I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical." - Arthur C. Clarke
"Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap." - Steve Martin
"Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is." - Jimmy Durant
"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder." - John Glenn
"America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric." - Doug Hamwell
"The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone who's there." - George Roberts
"If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!" - Jonathan Winters
"I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it." - Robert Benchley.
* * * * *
POLITICAL SPIN
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
So Judy e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing callapsed.”
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing callapsed.”
* * * * *
Since it was a TGIF of several Ole jokes, the TGIF Golden Classic must feature him as well:
BANK ROBBERY IN MINNESOTA
A hooded robber burst into a Minnesota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Minnesota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak.
Then, one old Norwegian named Ole (of course) tentatively raised his hand without looking up said, "My wife Lena got a pretty good look at ya."
On his way out the door, a brave Minnesota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak.
Then, one old Norwegian named Ole (of course) tentatively raised his hand without looking up said, "My wife Lena got a pretty good look at ya."
* * * * *
Time to wrap this one up and to forewarn you that I will be away for 10 days from the middle of next week until the following weekend. So, you are encouraged to keep sending in new material to me, but you will not be receiving a TGIF message either on Friday March 1st or March 8th. I’ll be back in time to do an edition for the Ides of March (3/15).
Take care and have a great weekend!
TGI-Jeff
