Greetings from the post Super Bowl week here in Vermont where we are expecting a big winter storm to arrive shortly. The weather forecasters can’t say for sure if we are going to get 5 or 14 inches or somewhere in between. We do need some more snow (this is a skier talking) and I hope it’s at least a foot.
The Super Bowl game was a good one to watch, even though it took about four and one/half hours from kickoff to trophy award ceremony. But that was due to Beyonce’s half time show and the blackout that occurred a few minutes later - that lasted for more than half an hour. It’s a good excuse to have a party with friends and lots of people do that and it’s all fun.
At least now that we are back here living in the eastern USA time zone, we can watch such a major event during reasonable hours, as opposed to having to get up at 4 in the morning to watch it when we were in Pakistan or Sri Lanka, or pulling an “all nighter” in Niger when the game started at 11.30 p.m. and ended at about 3 a.m. I think I might have taken the next day off as a day of annual leave in order to get some sleep. One year there I think I took a half day off and slept from 4 to 11 a.m. and then went to the office at noon. This year the game was over just before 11 p.m. here and after cleaning up after hosting a large group here, I was in bed before midnight! How civilized is that?!!!
Now I am looking forward to the Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit edition. It’s nice of them to issue that one in the cold of February, just when we think we’ll never see a beach again, let alone a thinly clad model! Life is good!
That is true, except that I am not getting any new jokes from you all. The regular contributors are only sending me old stuff that I have used many times before. So as a special this week, there will be no new material and the whole TGIF issue this week classifies as a TGIF Golden Classic.
1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes (Cricket)
4. The Pope died.
Interesting Year 2005
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes (Cricket)
4. The Pope died.
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes (Cricket)
4. The Pope died.
Lesson to be learned:
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes (Cricket)
4. The Pope died.
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.
* * * * *
CAPITAL LETTERS
Capital Letters? Who uses them anymore? In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I have noticed that more and more people who send text messages and e-mails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following teacher’s explanation -- which is short and to the point.
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. ... Are we clear?"
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. ... Are we clear?"
* * * * *
SLEEPING IN THE BARN (this is the only new one for this week)
A Congressman and two friends - a rabbi and a Hindu holy man - had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.
"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only the Congressman to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.
Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.
* * * * *
The Smart Young Lad
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms... Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms... Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
* * * * *
ROBOT For Sale
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did after school that day.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching a porno movie."
Dad says,"What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
End of Story
P.S. Robot For Sale
* * * * *
This one is dedicated to my friend, Dr. Tooth!
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy…" she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....
"I didn't feel a thing."
* * * * *
THE PRICEY HOTEL ROOM
A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.
* * * * *
No we did not. And “I did not have sex with that woman!” (Who said that? Remember?)
Anyway, it’s time to sign off with the usual wish for you all to have a “freaking good Friday” and a wonderful weekend. Until next week, take care and stay out of any trouble.
TGI-Jeff
