Greetings
from the TGIF dungeon in this mid-February evening, after a good day of skiing
and a good “après ski” with my tennis and now skiing buddies. I have to go a
little out of control to keep up with them on the slopes, but I hold my own at
the Loft, afterwards, where we need to replenish the liquids and other
nutrients we expended on the hills/trails of Okemo Mountain. I must admit that
those Cajun Wings are pretty good!
The big storm
last week dropped up to 30 inches of snow in parts of Conneticut and Maine and
about 2 feet in Boston. Here in Vermont we got about 15 inches. Being a skier
and owning a snow-blower for clearing the driveway, I didn’t mind at all. No
one in the state of Vermont lost power. Next week is the school vacation week
here in Vermont, so I won’t attempt to ski. I don’t like the crowds. Especially
the kids flying by me on both sides. Freaks me out!
Some of you
may have heard the news last week that the bones that were discovered under a
parking lot in Leicester (England) were, in fact, the bones of King Richard
III. He was not one of the better monarchs in England’s history and was not
portrayed well by William Shakespeare.
But you may
have not heard about what has happened since then.
Rupert Murdoch Emerges as Winning Bidder for Richard III’s Bones
Written by Andy
Borowitz
LONDON (The Borowitz
Report)—The media mogul Rupert Murdoch stunned the world
of British antiquities today by purchasing the newly discovered remains of
Richard III for a hundred million dollars.“This is a dream come true for me,” a jubilant Mr. Murdoch told reporters after the British government accepted his bid for the fallen tyrant. “Richard III is more than an important historical figure to me. He’s a role model.”
Mr. Murdoch said that he plans to put Richard III on display at the News Corporation headquarters in New York, “where he will serve as an inspiration to all our employees when I’m not there.”
But Mr. Murdoch’s shocking purchase of Richard’s bones has ignited howls of protest from British historians like Alistair Grindle, who warns that the media magnate’s motives may be far from pure.
“It would not surprise me one bit if Murdoch attempted to reanimate Richard III’s DNA and use him to seize control of the British government,” says Mr. Grindle. “The last thing this world needs is Rupert Murdoch and Richard III working together.”
For his part, Mr. Murdoch said he was baffled why his purchase of Richard III had proven so controversial: “This is far from the first time I’ve bought a British leader.”
* * * * *
WORD PLAY
1.
ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
* * * * *
All who wander are not lost.
J.R.R. Tolkien
* * * * *
"Any man who thinks he
can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him; better
take a closer look at the American Indian."
Henry Ford
* * * * *
A
NEW DEFINITION for S.O.S.
A C-130 was lumbering
along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the
C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a
steep climb.
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said,
'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled.
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to
the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!
Us older folks understand this one, it's called…
S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!
Us older folks understand this one, it's called…
S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....
* * * * *
Yesterday was Valentine’s
Day. Some of us don’t celebrate that as much as others; but here are some from
the San Francisco Chronicle on relationships. Apparently from your average Jack
or Jill.
"Relationship? I don't even have time for sex
with myself once a week."
"It would just be so nice to make six figures and
be with someone who makes six figures so that buying a home in San Francisco
isn't such a fantasy."
"Mom, what's a husband look like?"
"No, I don't want a man. OK, maybe certain parts,
but not the whole."
"Deep down, I just want to find a woman who isn't
crazy."
"Dad, I don't want to get married."
"You don't have to, sweetie. You're 6."
"I really want to have a crush on someone. I just
don't know who."
"All I need is a boyfriend and a job. Can you get
those for me?"
"She needs a man who's about 40 and has a job.
And kind of a hippie. And vegetarian. And cute."
He: "Do you have a husband?" She: "Yes,
I do." He: "Do you have a lover?" She: "Same guy." He:
"Want another one?" She: "No, thanks."
"My Raiders and
my love life are the same. We both can't score."
"I'm interested in everything about you. You are
the most fascinating woman I don't know."
"I don't date anyone who's going through a
divorce."
Middle-aged woman: "Don't I know you?" Older
woman: "Yes, I was married to your father."
"Can you pour mine light and hers heavy? She's
beautiful and I'm driving."
"Airport bars are the best. I just sit down next
to the oldest guy and I get free drinks until my plane leaves." (Woman
talking to friend, overheard at the Oakland airport)
"Don't worry, man. You've got time on your side.
Just live long enough and all the other guys will die. Then some lady won't
have any choice but to have you."
"Sure, women get less attractive as they age. But
men's eyesight gets worse just as quickly."
"Why were you in prison while my parents were
here? They would've loved you."
"I've found it's better to be nice than be grumpy
when I'm horny. That way I get what I want."
"This was my mom's favorite bar hangout. She met
her first husband here."
"I'm tired of dating older guys. They're, like,
30 years old and they're so jaded and tired and emotionally unhealable."
"He's a 911 dispatcher. But that's not how
we met."
"He says she's hot, but how hot can you be at
47?"
(Editor’s Note:
Maybe it’s the hot flashes.)
* * * * *
Sex After Surgery
A
surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll
be fine," he said.
She
asked ...
"How
long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The
surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of
his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's
the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He
replied ...
"Yes,
you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their
tonsils out."
* * * * *
INTERESTING
FACT
More Americans have died just since 1960 from gun incidents — suicides, accidents, and homicides — than died in every war in U.S. history. The deadliest war the U.S. has ever had is the war we waged against ourselves.
* * * * *
MINNESOTA
I often mention
that I consider the TGIF message not only as one that attempts to amuse you all
at the end of the work week, but also one in which I can share useful
information. Case in point. The following one I received this week from a
friend in Wisconsin and I feel it’s important to educate you about the great
state of Minnesota.
Just in case ya didn't
know...
Minnesota became the
32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of
Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin's winters.
Minnesota gets its name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye."
The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."
The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.
Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Without Dick," but that was changed for some reason.
Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.
Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.
The Hormel Company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii --- Spam sushi!!
Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."
Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat - chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.
Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!
Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet"
The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics.
Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.
Cold is a relative thing ya know....
At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah) People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.
Minnesota gets its name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye."
The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."
The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.
Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Without Dick," but that was changed for some reason.
Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.
Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.
The Hormel Company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii --- Spam sushi!!
Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."
Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat - chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.
Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!
Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet"
The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics.
Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.
Cold is a relative thing ya know....
At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah) People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.
* * * * *
LOVER’S LANE
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
* * * * *
And in a few more hours, it’ll be Friday and this can
be sent out to you to hopefully enjoy and get you in the right humorous mood
for ending the work week and enjoying Friday night and the weekend. Hope it’s a
good one! Until next week, take care and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
TGI-Jeff
