Greetings from the Friday guy from an unseasonably warm Vermont here
in early February. It seems that this winter’s temperatures are about
5 degrees warmer than average. We’ve also had 50% less snow than last
winter, although last winter we had nearly 130 inches, which is in the
top 5 since they’ve been keeping records in 1884. In fact, I recall
with little humor that last year at this time, I was up on the roof of
our house trying to shovel off more than 2 feet of accumulated snow,
to prevent our roof from collapsing. I just read today that an annual
ice fishing derby that was scheduled for this weekend in a village
nearby has postponed it to early March due to safety reasons – read:
lack of sufficient ice. It reminds me of an incident that happened
many years ago in a North American city that hosts a National Hockey
League team (professional ice hockey league). It seems that the city
had received a lot of freezing rain and the parking lot of the ice
arena stadium was covered with ice and too dangerous for driving. So,
they had to cancel the hockey game due to ice!!!
Friends here in town have allowed me to use their back pond to ice
skate on during the past month. Yes, despite what I mentioned above,
the ice there, on a small pond, is thick enough even to hold me on it
without cracking and giving me a cold dip. It may not be cracking but
it does moan a lot – which freaks me out as I skate around it. I have
been shoveling the snow off of it on a regular basis, even though we
haven’t had much, and filling cracks and skate ruts with water to
allow for good skating. I am trying to break in my new hockey skates
and get used to skating again after an absence of about 16 years when
I last played weekend hockey when in Rome. There is a senior men’s
hockey group that plays near here on Sunday nights during the winter
that I’d like to join. Maybe not this winter, but hopefully by the
next one.
Well, TGIF subscribers, especially those in the World Food Programme,
it has finally happened. I knew it was only a matter of time and
improved firewalls that my TGIF message would be determined by the WFP
IT system to be SPAM. It happened last week. Alpha, who is struggling
with converting the TGIF address list from Lotus Notes to Outlook, had
not received my sent draft message in his WFP Outlook email inbox last
Friday morning. Normally I copy it to his private account; he saw it there
over the weekend and wondered why I had not sent it to his Outlook
address. When I explained that I had, he realized that he had not
received it as it was classified as SPAM. Now, I don’t think that last
week’s issue was more “spam-like” than other ones, so I assume that
the technology has evolved and maybe uses more critical criteria. Or
maybe I should just accept the fact that my TGIF quality control has
relaxed its standards. (I really wanted to say “high standards” but
could not truthfully claim that. In other words, maybe my low
standards have gotten even lower!)
Well, let’s see what low quality of material I can “dredge up” for this week.
5 degrees warmer than average. We’ve also had 50% less snow than last
winter, although last winter we had nearly 130 inches, which is in the
top 5 since they’ve been keeping records in 1884. In fact, I recall
with little humor that last year at this time, I was up on the roof of
our house trying to shovel off more than 2 feet of accumulated snow,
to prevent our roof from collapsing. I just read today that an annual
ice fishing derby that was scheduled for this weekend in a village
nearby has postponed it to early March due to safety reasons – read:
lack of sufficient ice. It reminds me of an incident that happened
many years ago in a North American city that hosts a National Hockey
League team (professional ice hockey league). It seems that the city
had received a lot of freezing rain and the parking lot of the ice
arena stadium was covered with ice and too dangerous for driving. So,
they had to cancel the hockey game due to ice!!!
Friends here in town have allowed me to use their back pond to ice
skate on during the past month. Yes, despite what I mentioned above,
the ice there, on a small pond, is thick enough even to hold me on it
without cracking and giving me a cold dip. It may not be cracking but
it does moan a lot – which freaks me out as I skate around it. I have
been shoveling the snow off of it on a regular basis, even though we
haven’t had much, and filling cracks and skate ruts with water to
allow for good skating. I am trying to break in my new hockey skates
and get used to skating again after an absence of about 16 years when
I last played weekend hockey when in Rome. There is a senior men’s
hockey group that plays near here on Sunday nights during the winter
that I’d like to join. Maybe not this winter, but hopefully by the
next one.
Well, TGIF subscribers, especially those in the World Food Programme,
it has finally happened. I knew it was only a matter of time and
improved firewalls that my TGIF message would be determined by the WFP
IT system to be SPAM. It happened last week. Alpha, who is struggling
with converting the TGIF address list from Lotus Notes to Outlook, had
not received my sent draft message in his WFP Outlook email inbox last
Friday morning. Normally I copy it to his private account; he saw it there
over the weekend and wondered why I had not sent it to his Outlook
address. When I explained that I had, he realized that he had not
received it as it was classified as SPAM. Now, I don’t think that last
week’s issue was more “spam-like” than other ones, so I assume that
the technology has evolved and maybe uses more critical criteria. Or
maybe I should just accept the fact that my TGIF quality control has
relaxed its standards. (I really wanted to say “high standards” but
could not truthfully claim that. In other words, maybe my low
standards have gotten even lower!)
Well, let’s see what low quality of material I can “dredge up” for this week.
I wrote the above sentence before picking the following story to start
off the week. It’s a bit timely, given the recent accident of the
Italian cruise liner, Costa Concordia, and the fiasco with its
captain.
After his retirement, Winston Churchill was cruising the Mediterranean
on an Italian cruise liner.
Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should
chose an Italian ship.
“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship,”
said Churchill.
“First, their cuisine is unsurpassed."
"Second, their service is superb."
"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about
women and children first.”
* * * * * * * * * *
A MODERN-DAY URBAN FABLE
A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it, and the
Genie comes out as usual.
The Genie tells her that whatever she wants, her wish will be granted.
The woman looks at the Genie and says:
"I want my husband to have eyes only for me ~
I want to be the only one in his life ~
I want him to sleep always by my side ~
I want that when he wakes up in the morning I'm the first thing he
grabs, and I want him to take me with him wherever he goes."
The Genie says: "No problem, your wish is easily granted!"
...and immediately turns her into a Blackberry!!!!
* * * * * * * * * *
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband
For example:
A wife comes home late at night early from being out of town and
quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees
four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard
as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let
them stay in our bedroom.
Did you say ‘hello’?”
* * * * * * * * * *
The Scotsman
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery,
but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in
case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it
couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot
willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for
giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days
later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate
his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card
& a jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time
did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned
the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you
would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a
thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied:
"Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".
* * * * * * * * * *
Tommy Cooper One-Liners
Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.
Yes, he was brilliant!!
1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key...'
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I
couldn't find any.
4. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
5. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
6. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
8. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
9. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it..'
10. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?
Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
12. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
13. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
14. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
15. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.'
16. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
* * * * * * * * * *
Note to Pets
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT'S ALSO A TRUE STORY.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are
yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that
it is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the
other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the
other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message
on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN
(1) They live here....you don't.
(2) If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.That's why they call it "fur"niture.
(3) I like my pets a whole lot better than I like most people!
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1) eat less,
2) don't ask for money all the time,
3) are easier to train,
4) normally come when called,
5) never ask to drive the car,
6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
7) don't smoke or drink,
8) don't want to wear your clothes,
9) don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children
* * * * * * * * * *
It’s time for this week’s TGIF Golden Classic.
I have so many to chose from!!! In fact, more than new jokes I
receive. I know – enough said!
Getting Married – It’s Never Too Late
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests
they go in.
Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds!"
Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do..."
Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding present’s list..."
* * * * * * * * * *
We are looking forward to this Sunday’s SuperBowl in Indianapolis and
hoping and praying that our Patriots can beat the Giants. I’m nervous,
but optimistic that Belichick and Brady will find a way to win, like
they have 3 times before during the last 10 years.
Have great weekends!
TGI-Jeff
