Greetings from the Friday guy. You know what that means! It means that you should be receiving this message on Friday as long as your Spam blocker doesn’t read it and divert it to your spam folder, where it would also most likely feel right at home. It’s probably not going to be a long one today as I need to finish it and go off to the
TV room to watch the latest edition of the Jeremy Lin show. While it might be Friday when you receive this, it is now early Thursday evening here at the base station of the TGIF. The NY Knicks are playing tonight in Miami against the Heat (the team with the best won-loss record) and so it is a real test of how good the Knicks have become as a team while incorporating the new “phenom” that is Jeremy Lin. During the football season all the sports media (and beyond) talk was about Tim Tebow. Now, it has become all about Jeremy Lin. These two super popular, intelligent, God-fearing young men are no doubt more popular among the Joe Plumbers of the USA that they should think about joining the Republican race to find a presidential candidate to win in November. They certainly appear to me to be a lot better than the clowns who are currently vying for the Republican Party nomination! Nuf said, as I don’t want to overly offend my Republican friends. But please, can you try to come up with a decent candidate or just decide to throw in the towel and give Obama a second term.
And speaking of politicians,
Advice from Curtis and Leroy
Limit all US politicians to two terms...
One in office
One in prison ......
Illinois already does this, and it seems to be working for them.
* * * * * * * * * *
The Generous Scotsman
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...
"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"
Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
... So they walked past it again ...
* * * * * * * * * *
Did you know...
The Goldberg Brothers were the inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner?
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946,
the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees Fahrenheit.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were
there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the
electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to
their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees
Fahrenheit, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off
immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,
where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was
installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there
was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million
Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on
$4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max - on the controls.
* * * * * * * * * *
The English Ventriloquist
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small
village and
sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He thought he'd have a little fun, so he says to Daffydd Jones, a
local shepherd,
'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Daffydd Jones replied 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English Man.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Daffydd Jones (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at Daffydd Jones)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Daffydd Jones (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Daffydd Jones 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Daffydd Jones (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at Daffydd Jones)
sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He thought he'd have a little fun, so he says to Daffydd Jones, a
local shepherd,
'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Daffydd Jones replied 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English Man.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Daffydd Jones (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at Daffydd Jones)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Daffydd Jones (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Daffydd Jones 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Daffydd Jones (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at Daffydd Jones)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for
asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the
Elements.'
Daffydd Jones (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Daffydd Jones (in a panic) : ‘The sheep's a Bloody liar!!!’
* * * * * * * * * *
Garage Door
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the
Elements.'
Daffydd Jones (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Daffydd Jones (in a panic) : ‘The sheep's a Bloody liar!!!’
* * * * * * * * * *
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office
one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your
house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd
closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the
question.
As he finished his paperwork, he
suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood
his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to
ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.
* * * * * * * * * *
Just Sayings
It's not whether you win or lose,
. . . but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
. . . if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs
. . . due to a lack of alcohol.
The original point-and-click interface was
. . . a Smith & Wesson.
A Fool and his money
. . . can throw one heck of a party.
When blondes have more fun,
. . . do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
Learn from your parents' mistake.
Use birth control.
Don't Drink and Drive.
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed,
. . . skydiving is not for you.
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
. . . give the rest a bad name.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 % of
the population.
(Rolf Huss)
* * * * * * * * * *
Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago ...This is PRICELESS
A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family
dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work
and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in
approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for
the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With
'Carnation Milk is best of all.'
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can
do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo
pulled up in front of her house.
A man got out and said, 'Carnation' LOVED your entry so much! We are
here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'
Carnation Milk is best of all,
Not tits to pull, no hay to haul,
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!
* * * * * * * * * *
Man versus animals: Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right
afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to
see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad
mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly,
Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has
his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found
the black bear and shot it dead. Right afterwards, there was another
tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to
him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my
cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we
have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with
the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way
with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to
Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come
here for the hunting, do you?"
(Susanne Jawarickrama)
* * * * * * * * * *
Okay, it’s time for this week’s TGIF Golden Classic
Tap on the Shoulder
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times.
(TGIF Editor’s Note: Nowadays when I see the phrase “true story” in a
contribution, I know it’s not!!!)
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station
leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the
shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights
out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I
didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone
so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely
my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.......
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times.
(TGIF Editor’s Note: Nowadays when I see the phrase “true story” in a
contribution, I know it’s not!!!)
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station
leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the
shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove
up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights
out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I
didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone
so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely
my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.......
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
* *
* * *
* * * *
*
True stories or not, my job is
finished for now. I need to get to the
TV room and check on the big game. Unfortunately for the Jeremy Lin fan club, he didn't play so well and the Heat won tonight.
TV room and check on the big game. Unfortunately for the Jeremy Lin fan club, he didn't play so well and the Heat won tonight.
Hope you all have big weekends planned and that you are able
to implement them perfectly.
I’m going out to Colorado in a week to ski with my brother. We don’t have any snow on the ground here now, but the forecast is for some on Friday. I hope so. I miss it!
Cheers and until next Friday, take care!
TGI-Jeff
