TGIF - 27 January 2012

Greetings to all the TGIF faithful on this the last Friday of January

and the birthday of some very important people! Who are these VIPs?

Well, one is my sister-in-law Martha. And another one is Mozart! Oh,

and by the way, it’s my wife Pam’s birthday too. She and Martha are

not twins – but born 6 years apart! This week was also the start of

the new Chinese year – the year of the dragon – which is a special

year! Our youngest son, Philip, was born at the tail end of the year

of the dragon at the end of 1988. Since then, he’s usually got the

dragon by the tail and has been twirling it about energetically!

The African Cup (football – soccer) is also underway, jointly hosted

by Gabon and Equatorial Guinea. It’s a huge happening in Africa and

most everyone there follows it, especially if their nation’s team is

involved.

The two qualifying US national football league teams for the SuperBowl

(held on Sunday, February 5th this year), the championship game of the

NFL, have been decided in conference championship games last weekend.

The New York Giants beat the San Francisco 49ers in the NFC game last

Sunday and our very own New England (sic Boston) Patriots defeated the

Baltimore Ravens in the AFC game. So, it will be another chapter in

the Boston vs. New York sports rivalry. Currently in ice hockey, the

New York Rangers are a few points ahead of our Boston Bruins at the

top of the eastern conference in the National Hockey League. In

baseball, the most famous rivalry has been between the New York

Yankees (the “damn Yankees”) and our Boston Red Sox, supported by “the

Nation” of Sox fans. The NE Patriots are slight favorites – but it

should be a good game and of course, it will be, IF, repeat IF, the

Patriots come out on top!

Let’s see what is in the jokes bag that I can safely share with you all.

Happy Hour for Retired People

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Pensacola, Florida.

They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all

drinks 10 cents'.

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come

on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a

martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis -

shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each

other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents,

finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again

saying,  'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their

curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis

and so far they have spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as

good as these for a dime a piece?'

'Well, I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix,' the bartender said, 'and I

always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $125

million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a

dime......wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

'Wow!!!! That's quite a story', says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice

seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in

front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were

there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and

asks the bartender, 'What's the story with those guys?"

The bartender says, 'Oh, those guys, they're all retired snowbirds

from Canada.  They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half

price.'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

The Candy With The Little Hole

This should make you smile.  You have to love little kids.

Most of you will remember the little candies, called Lifesavers, that

were different colors but all in the shape of a real lifesaver, round

with a hole in the middle.

The teacher gave her little students some samples of these lifesaver

candies, with 5 different colors.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

  Red.....................Cherry

  Yellow................Lemon

  Green.................Lime

  Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother

may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and

yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

That little girl was probably Little Larry’s sister.

Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She

started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid,

stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

*       *       *

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her

face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself

beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a

tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

*       *       *

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She

called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry

quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

*       *       *

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police

station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10

most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and

asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the

policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'  Larry

asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

*       *       *

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as

his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down

the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry

asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because

when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and

in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I

think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Don’t Get Mad – just get even!!!

The Stray Cat

One winter day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a

sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all

matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took

her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her

'Pussycat.'

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.

He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her,

she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty

cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,

with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is

located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the

doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously

seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud

voice said,

'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant!

God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Here is an old one that has been updated now using the Taliban as “the goat”.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the

Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to

find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old

Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.  Would you like to buy a

tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need

water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not

want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am

bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you

will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.

Shalom (goodbye)."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later

he staggered back, almost dead and said,

"Your  f*cking brother won't let me in without a tie!"

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Old Jewish Man

Ahhh – the wisdom of the ages!

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been

going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every

day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking

slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to

leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an

interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults,

and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel  Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like talking to a f-cking brick wall."

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

The 3 male dogs and the female poodle

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a

beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over

themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up

arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless

before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a

glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she

decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the

words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent

sentence can go out with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says: 'I love

liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle.

'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said the Poodle.

'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you,

little guy?' The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame

and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and

the Lab and says....

“Liver alone ….. Cheese mine!”

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

It’s now time for the weekly look back to a TGIF Golden Classic.

True Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy ,

went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open

the panel in the confessional, the man said:

'Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our

neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from

the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have

no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual

favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on

Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,

you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those

circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed

forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one

more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?'

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Well, I don’t know what the priest answered, but I have to tell you

now that this TGIF is over.

It’s the usual time to bid you all a fun Friday and a wonderful weekend!

See you next week.

TGI-Jeff